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Old 05-10-02   #21
Lazarus
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Vacation

Billy Bob and Vern talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Vern, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go and all."

"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Pauline got pregnant.

"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Pauline got pregnant again.

"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Pauline didn't get pregnant again."

Vern asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Pauline with me."
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Old 05-10-02   #22
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Final Exam

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
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Old 05-10-02   #23
Lazarus
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The Old Man

There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!"

The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette."

"Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"

The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast."

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.

"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!

"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"

The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
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Old 05-10-02   #24
Lazarus
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Car Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
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Old 05-15-02   #25
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Real announcements from pilots and cabin crew
1) Pilot: "Folks, we have reached cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seatbelt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
2) Airline attendant during safety demonstration: "There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."
Stewardess after a bumpy touchdown: "We ask you to please remain seated whilst Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
4) Loudspeaker announcement after landing: "Thank you for flying Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
5) Attendant from same airline: "Welcome aboard.
To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. If you don't know how to operate one then you really shouldn't be out unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child with you, secure your own mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more".
6) Pilot: "The weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember.... nobody loves you or your money more than this airline".
7) Stewardess: "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In an emergency water landing, please take one with our compliments".
8) Pilot heard over loudspeaker during touchdown: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
9) Flight attendant after rough landing: "Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our plane to the terminal gate".
10) Stewardess: "As you exit, please make sure to gather your
belongings. Anything left behind will be evenly distributed among the attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses".
11) Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.....sadly none of them are on this flight".
12) Flight attendant: " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and his crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the terminal gate. Once the tyre-smoke has cleared and the warning bells stop, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal".
1 Steward: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us".
14) Stewardess: "Last passenger off the plane has to clean it".
15) Loudspeaker announcement: " I don't know whether we landed or were shot down".
16) Pilot "Welcome aboard flight 163 to New York, we shall be flying at (scream) Oh my goodness!... oh no!..(silence) sorry about that folks, I've just spilt my coffee, you should see the front of my trousers."
Passenger: "You should see the back of mine ....!! ."
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Old 05-15-02   #26
Lillith
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Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
> We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%!
> How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
> What makes life 100%?
> If:
> A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
> is represented as:
> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,
> then,
>
> H A R D W O R K
> 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
>
> K N O W L E D G E
> 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
>
> But,
>
> A T T I T U D E
> 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
>
> And,
>
> B U L L S H I T
> 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
>
> So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
> attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.
> And look how far
>
> A S S K I S S I N G will take you.
> 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

Last edited by Lillith; 05-16-02 at 18:21.
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Old 05-16-02   #27
Lazarus
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lol.. good stuff Lil..
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Old 05-16-02   #28
Lillith
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hehe thanks *licks*

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an
audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see
the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks,

"Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and
answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background
a
few
of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare,
silencing them. Dopey turns back.

"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of the other
dwarfs
burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with
an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says.

"Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns any where in the
world?"

After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry myson,
there're no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding
the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting......

"Dopey shagged a penguin!
"Dopey shagged a penguin!"
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Old 05-21-02   #29
Oezoem
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Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (and he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (and he touched her breast)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (and he takes off her clothes)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?" (and he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
******************************************************************************** *

Policeman arrested a prostitute.
Prostitute: "I'm not selling sex!

Policeman: "Then what are you doing?"

Prostitute: "I'm selling condoms and offering free demo.

********************************************************************************


Man was sobbing in a bar. His friend asked 'why?'

He said: "my wife makes me pay $ 100 for every Fuck!"

Friend said: "you're lucky, she charges others $ 250"

********************************************

4 miracles of a woman:
· getting wet without taking a shower

· bleeding without getting hurt

· giving milk without eating grass

· and making boneless flesh hard

*******************************************

Q : How do the Talibans seduce their women?

A : First they attack their twin towers, then they crash into their pentagon.

******************************************

Girls reaction to penis sizes:
# 9'' - oh shit pain!
# 7'' - oh yes, yum!
# 6'' - oh perfect!
# 5'' - mmm ok!
# 4'' - push more
# 3'' - is it in?
# 2'' - idiot! Just use your tongue.

*****************************************

During pregnancy:

The 1st three months, do it the normal style

Next three months do it the doggy style

And the last three months do it the wolf style:

Sit outside the hole and howl !!

*************************

Teacher: "why do cows get depressed after milking?

Student: "Ma'am, if your boobs are rubbed for 2 hours & then you are

left unfucked, how would feel?"

*************************

Lady scolds her maid for inefficiency.

Angry maid says "At least am better than you in bed !"

Lady (amazed): "Did my husband tell you this?"

Maid: "No, the driver did."

***********************************
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