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Old 11-28-01   #1
ArSiNiK
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ArSiNiK is infamous around these partsArSiNiK is infamous around these partsArSiNiK is infamous around these partsArSiNiK is infamous around these partsArSiNiK is infamous around these partsArSiNiK is infamous around these partsArSiNiK is infamous around these partsArSiNiK is infamous around these partsArSiNiK is infamous around these partsArSiNiK is infamous around these partsArSiNiK is infamous around these parts
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darwin awards 2000-2001

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

1. A young Canadian man from Newfoundland, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

2. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

3. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

4. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man facedown on the couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.

6. A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground", Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma".

7. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt, a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalised.

8. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked (you can see what's coming, can't you?). Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.

Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. His peers had, never thought of the technician suspected of causing the blast, particularly bright.
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Old 11-30-01   #2
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I own a book on the Darwin Awards. I love that stuff.
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Old 12-01-01   #3
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that is some of the funniest shit i have read in a long time....man ppl can be sooooooooo stupid sometimes *lmao*
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Old 12-01-01   #4
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I hadn't seen those yet!!
*pouts cause she gets them in her email*
oh well they were still as funny as hell! especially the one about the sanders....
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Old 12-01-01   #5
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that sander guy is a sad sad man

but other than that, those are really funny
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Old 12-06-01   #6
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lol... the "ass"uffication guy.... lmao.... *pictures it perfectly*... sounds like a good way to cover a murder.... hhhmmmmm... hehehe
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Old 12-06-01   #7
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why didn't I come here sooner?
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Old 12-06-01   #8
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Future Darwin candidates?

An article from "LA Times", translated from english to norwegian by "Unknown", and now by me from norwegian to english, bear with me on the errors I must have in the way of the american language guys, I just had to share this one...


"In the aftermath it was lighting the match that was my greatest mistake. But I had to try and get the hamster out." Eric Tomazewski told this to apalled doctors at the fire injury division at Salt Lake City Hospital. Eric Tomazewski and his gay partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum was admitted at the I.R. after a sex game had gone terribly wrong.

"I inserted a cardboard tube into the anus and sent Raggot, our hamster, in" explains Eric. Further on he say "as usual Kiki shouted "Armageddon", which is our signal that he had had enough. I then tried to get Raggot back out, but he wouldn't. So I lit a match and looked into the tube. I thought the light would tempt the hamster to come out." To a silent struck press conference an official at the hospital then explained what happened from there.

"The match ignited a small pocket of bowel gas. The flame from this ignition shot out of the tube with the result that Eric Tomazewski's hair caught fire, and he got severe burns in his face. That the gas pocket caught fire also ignited the hamster's fur. This ignited a new and bigger gas pocket further up the intestines. The pressure from this ignition then shot the hamster out of the cardboard tube like a cannonball."

Tomazewski got second degree burns from the initial flames and broke his nose by the hamster that was shot out. Farnum got first and second degree burns in the anus and the lower part of the colon.


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The 10 most scary things about this story:

1: "I inserted a cardboard tube up the ass.........."

2: "I looked into the tube......" (I'm sorry, that has to be like staring into Hell with binoculars. I'd rather stare at the sun with binoculars, even if it does make you go blind)

3: The poor hamster (which must have terrible self-esteem) that was shot out of a man's ass.

4: Having your nose broken because a hamster is shot out of a man's ass and hitting you in the face. I'm just guessing here, but I seriously doubt the hamster was "minty fresh" after being far up Kiki's "Love Tunnel".

5: That people have such volcanic pockets of gas up their asses.

6: That people do these things and admits it to the people at the I.R. Me, I'd rather tell a story about pyromanic gang-rapists breaking into my house and raping me with burning lighter fluid, long before I told anyone the truth. Call me old-fashioned, but I just can't see myself looking a doctor in the eye and saying "You see, doctor, we have a hamster called Raggot, and then we took this cardboard tube........"

7: First and second degree burns in the ass. Wouldn't this make the burning discomfort of having hemorroids seem like a welcome relief? How can anyone go and take a good shit after something like this? Also I fear that the smell of burning ass must be one of the worlds five nastiest smells.

8: People with nick names like "Kiki". That name has to be polynese for "stupid guy who stuffs hamsters up his ass".

9: What kind of hospital would hold a press conference about this?

10: This happened in Salt Lake City....... What's with these mormons??
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Last edited by Mordeo; 12-06-01 at 21:04.
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Old 12-06-01   #9
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oh that's funny...disturbing but funny
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Old 12-08-01   #10
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a friend in work introduced me to the darwin awards a little while ago and i love them. it's amazing how many utterly stupid ways to die there are (thought i'd be specific there as i'm never surprised by how many stupid people there are). hehe


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