Darkforum.com - Dark Stories, Dark Art, Poetry, Photography, Debates and Discussions
Home Register FAQ
Go Back   Darkforum.com - Dark Stories, Dark Art, Poetry, Photography, Debates and Discussions > Welcome > Socialize
Reload this Page the mailman
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-18-01   #1
bloodwing
this sentence is a lie
 
bloodwing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: mass, us
Posts: 776
bloodwing
Credits: 11,894
the mailman

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuc.k him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
__________________

excuse me, i'm going to go scream into a pillow now.

am i destined to fall as icarus did? his wings- his freedom destroyed by the one thing he longed for...


is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-18-01   #2
bloodwing
this sentence is a lie
 
bloodwing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: mass, us
Posts: 776
bloodwing
Credits: 11,894
A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fu,ckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the f,uckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this f.uckin' check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fu.ckin' bitch won't help you?"
__________________

excuse me, i'm going to go scream into a pillow now.

am i destined to fall as icarus did? his wings- his freedom destroyed by the one thing he longed for...


is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-18-01   #3
bloodwing
this sentence is a lie
 
bloodwing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: mass, us
Posts: 776
bloodwing
Credits: 11,894
A man walks up to the bar, and speaks to the bartender. "I bet you $500 that I can piss in this cup from across the room." The bartender looks at the man like he was nuts and says with a laugh, "Ooook buddy. You got a deal." So the man walks over to the other side of the room, pulls down his zipper and just lets it fly. Piss goes everywhere; on the bar, on customers, all over the bartender, but not a drop lands in the cup. The man walks back over to the bartender. The bartender says, "Ha ha ha. Well pay up." So the man pays him, turns around and begins to laugh hysterically. The bartender asks, "You just lost $500, why are you laughing?" The man turns around and says to the bartender, "Well you see that man over there." The bartender says, "Yeah." He replies, "Well, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you, and that you would be happy and laugh about it!"
__________________

excuse me, i'm going to go scream into a pillow now.

am i destined to fall as icarus did? his wings- his freedom destroyed by the one thing he longed for...


is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-18-01   #4
bloodwing
this sentence is a lie
 
bloodwing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: mass, us
Posts: 776
bloodwing
Credits: 11,894
don't get offended by this one, i just thought it was funny

A man walks into a bar and immediately realizes its a gay bar. He thinks to himself I'm not gay but I really want to to drink so he walks up to the bar. The bartender asks "What is the name of your penis?" The man says "Man get outta my face I'm not like that, just gimme a beer." The bartender replies,"I'm sorry sir but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." The man says, "Okay then what's the name of your penis?" The bartender replies "Mine is named Nike, You know Just Do it. The man thought for a moment then replied "Mine is named Secret." The bartender replied "Secret??" The man explained you know, Strong enough for a man, made for a woman."
__________________

excuse me, i'm going to go scream into a pillow now.

am i destined to fall as icarus did? his wings- his freedom destroyed by the one thing he longed for...


is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-18-01   #5
bloodwing
this sentence is a lie
 
bloodwing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: mass, us
Posts: 776
bloodwing
Credits: 11,894
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
__________________

excuse me, i'm going to go scream into a pillow now.

am i destined to fall as icarus did? his wings- his freedom destroyed by the one thing he longed for...


is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-18-01   #6
bloodwing
this sentence is a lie
 
bloodwing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: mass, us
Posts: 776
bloodwing
Credits: 11,894
This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says, "Yea, he licks pu.ssy." So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. the blond says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
__________________

excuse me, i'm going to go scream into a pillow now.

am i destined to fall as icarus did? his wings- his freedom destroyed by the one thing he longed for...


is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-18-01   #7
corrupt angel
Face in the Mist
 
corrupt angel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: its wonderful, wonderful here...
Posts: 38
corrupt angel
Credits: 1,204
hehe
__________________
*Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over...*
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-18-01   #8
Duddy
Bacon
 
Duddy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 8,029
Duddy
Credits: 128,079
Hahaha!!!
Good stuff there.
__________________
Heyoooooooooooo
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-30-01   #9
Stitch
Face in the Mist
 
Stitch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Hell AKA Sacrmento
Posts: 10
Stitch
Credits: 1,300
Hmmm

Gotta love it! heh :metalhead:
__________________
Who lit your tampon string?

You, off my planet!
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-30-01   #10
Shiny Goat
I Wish You Were Here
 
Shiny Goat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Between here and Hell, neither wants me. Maybe I should try heaven
Posts: 234
Shiny Goat
Credits: 2,228
lmao
__________________
I am all fucked up, and i am ready to break, i don't wanna be the guy, who is always on the outside, i wanna find my own, good place

All fucked up, and i don't know how, how i ever got to where i feel, like i am dying on the inside, i want to be happy, but i don't know how
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-03-01   #11
~*~Angelique~*~
Guest
 
~*~Angelique~*~'s Avatar
 
Posts: n/a
nice!!!
  Reply With Quote
Old 10-03-01   #12
ankh_tattoo
The Unforgiven
 
ankh_tattoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: The Nile
Posts: 361
ankh_tattoo
Credits: 4,343
Thanks, I needed that!
__________________
Fuck The World
============

Give me your tears, your trust, and your hurt..I won't fail you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Lux et umbra vicissum sed semper amor.

is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-04-01   #13
bloodwing
this sentence is a lie
 
bloodwing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: mass, us
Posts: 776
bloodwing
Credits: 11,894
i was insulted and amused all at the same time.....

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...















The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...
















So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
__________________

excuse me, i'm going to go scream into a pillow now.

am i destined to fall as icarus did? his wings- his freedom destroyed by the one thing he longed for...


is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-01   #14
bloodwing
this sentence is a lie
 
bloodwing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: mass, us
Posts: 776
bloodwing
Credits: 11,894
There was a guy that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said the fellow. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
__________________

excuse me, i'm going to go scream into a pillow now.

am i destined to fall as icarus did? his wings- his freedom destroyed by the one thing he longed for...


is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-15-01   #15
bloodwing
this sentence is a lie
 
bloodwing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: mass, us
Posts: 776
bloodwing
Credits: 11,894
ooops!

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”
__________________

excuse me, i'm going to go scream into a pillow now.

am i destined to fall as icarus did? his wings- his freedom destroyed by the one thing he longed for...


is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-15-01   #16
bloodwing
this sentence is a lie
 
bloodwing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: mass, us
Posts: 776
bloodwing
Credits: 11,894
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
__________________

excuse me, i'm going to go scream into a pillow now.

am i destined to fall as icarus did? his wings- his freedom destroyed by the one thing he longed for...


is Offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Recent Threads
what surprised you today?
04-11-13 17:55
Last post by thefr0g
19 Hours Ago 14:31
what have you eaten...
12-24-03 19:43
Last post by JeNn_DeViLz
23 Hours Ago 10:09
Darkforum Youtube!
03-25-13 07:48
Last post by JeNn_DeViLz
1 Day Ago 09:32
Science Disproves...
11-01-10 14:38
by Pahu
Last post by JeNn_DeViLz
1 Day Ago 09:27
vote or die
1 Week Ago 01:56
Last post by JeNn_DeViLz
1 Day Ago 09:20
vote or die
1 Week Ago 02:02
Last post by Sic Simon
2 Days Ago 21:45
long Sunday
3 Weeks Ago 18:00
by DaxterK
Last post by Sic Simon
1 Week Ago 01:46
BATH SALT ZOMBIES
12-04-13 11:20
Last post by Sic Simon
1 Week Ago 23:34
I'm drinking Vodka,...
09-02-17 23:28
by thefr0g
Last post by JeNn_DeViLz
1 Week Ago 22:44
Overflowing asylums
2 Weeks Ago 01:23
Last post by Sic Simon
2 Weeks Ago 03:25
Online Users: 60
1 members and 59 guests
oschichaclyd
Most users ever online was 1928, 06-09-15 at 18:20.
Powered by vBadvanced CMPS v3.0 RC2


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vBulletin Skin developed by: vBStyles.com

© 2006 - 2016 Dark Forum | About Dark Forum | Advertisers | Investors | Legal | A member of the Crowdgather Forum Community