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Old 08-18-01   #1
miztressblack
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Sexual Jokes

Enjoy the jokes...

Seven Wise Men


Seven wise men with knowledge so
fine created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, smart and wit,
using a knife he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and
bold, with a hammer and chisel he
gave it a hole.

Third was a taylor, tall and thin,
using red velvet he lined it within.

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur he lined it
without.

Fifth was a fisher, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it smell.

Sixth was a preacher, whose name
was McGee, who touched it and blessed
it and said it could pee.

Seventh was a sailor, dirty little
runt, sucked it fucked it and called
it a cunt.
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Your mouth is like a suicide Talkin like you never died Automatic charisma For your chemical mind I'll suffer for you I'll suffer for you You're kissing me like benzocaine w/your Sleeping pill eyes Melting me down and suck, suck, sucking my brain I'm gonna hate you tomorrow Because you make me hate you today...Marilyn Manson "Suck 4 Your Solution"
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Old 08-18-01   #2
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African King

An African King


The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour
with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of
the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken
aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her...don't reject the guy
outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to
marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only
marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a
75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African
king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I
have. I have." Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to
the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a
vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country
in France." The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular
phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the
woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." Realizing that
she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make
this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a
sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says,
rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch
penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and
rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking
really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
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Your mouth is like a suicide Talkin like you never died Automatic charisma For your chemical mind I'll suffer for you I'll suffer for you You're kissing me like benzocaine w/your Sleeping pill eyes Melting me down and suck, suck, sucking my brain I'm gonna hate you tomorrow Because you make me hate you today...Marilyn Manson "Suck 4 Your Solution"
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Old 08-19-01   #3
Dark_Rain
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he he he he

my love where do you get your jokes he he he. he he he oh man...
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Old 08-19-01   #4
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aww..

....the poor king.....
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Old 08-21-01   #5
neonwraith
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This was sent to me by a friend.

three couples are told by the pastor of a church that if they wish to join the community they must abstain from sex for six weeks.

The time passes and the six of them return.

the first couple are quite unphased and say that the six weeks passed easily. they are admitted to the church.

The second are a little more on edge and the man states, well it was a little rought at first, and then it got worse. We tried everyhting, cold showers and everyhting, it was bad, but we eventually go through it. With a knowing smile the pastor admits the second couple.

The third don't look so bad, but they are a little guilty of face. The pastor sighs and says/
"You didn't last did you?" They shake their heads. "What happened?" He asks the couple. The amns speaks.

Well it was going really badly and when my wife was reaching up to get a can of peas she dropped it and picked it up, well The sight was too much I just took advantage of her there and then.

The pastor nods.

"Well I'm afraid you're not welcome here my children." The wife nods.

"Damn Here and the supermarket. What a waste of six weeks."
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"I've oft been told by learned friars
That wishing and the crime were one
And heaven punishes desires
As much as if the deed were done.

If wishing damns us, you and I
Are damned to all our hearts content.
Come then we may at least enjoy
Some pleasure for our punishment..."

Sir Thomas More
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Old 08-21-01   #6
miztressblack
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neonwraith that was a good one...haha...
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Your mouth is like a suicide Talkin like you never died Automatic charisma For your chemical mind I'll suffer for you I'll suffer for you You're kissing me like benzocaine w/your Sleeping pill eyes Melting me down and suck, suck, sucking my brain I'm gonna hate you tomorrow Because you make me hate you today...Marilyn Manson "Suck 4 Your Solution"
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Old 08-21-01   #7
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One afternoon, they took off for her house where they made love for hours. Exhausted from the wild sex, they feel asleep, awakening at 80 P.M. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she complied. He then slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. The man replied, "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon and I fell asleep." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!You've been playing golf!!"
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Your mouth is like a suicide Talkin like you never died Automatic charisma For your chemical mind I'll suffer for you I'll suffer for you You're kissing me like benzocaine w/your Sleeping pill eyes Melting me down and suck, suck, sucking my brain I'm gonna hate you tomorrow Because you make me hate you today...Marilyn Manson "Suck 4 Your Solution"
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Old 08-21-01   #8
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What did the banana say to the Vibrator? I dont know why your shaking, she's going to eat me.


Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

Why do women like to play pac-man so much?
They get eaten 3 times for a quarter!



There's this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem is that he hasn't scored any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't got any action Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a quicky? I'll give you 20 bucks!" She says "Sounds good, let's go." They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay, they head for the bedroom. He's loving the sex, and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman, maybe she's a virgin. After the whole performance, he rolls off of her and says "Wow! Lady if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks" Surprised, she says "If I had of known you were actually going to get a boner then I would have taken my stockings off!!"
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Your mouth is like a suicide Talkin like you never died Automatic charisma For your chemical mind I'll suffer for you I'll suffer for you You're kissing me like benzocaine w/your Sleeping pill eyes Melting me down and suck, suck, sucking my brain I'm gonna hate you tomorrow Because you make me hate you today...Marilyn Manson "Suck 4 Your Solution"
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Old 08-21-01   #9
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A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asked his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies...well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night. The son then asked his father, well what's the 6 pack for? The father replied, well that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning. Then the son asked his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, well that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March....
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Your mouth is like a suicide Talkin like you never died Automatic charisma For your chemical mind I'll suffer for you I'll suffer for you You're kissing me like benzocaine w/your Sleeping pill eyes Melting me down and suck, suck, sucking my brain I'm gonna hate you tomorrow Because you make me hate you today...Marilyn Manson "Suck 4 Your Solution"
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Old 08-23-01   #10
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Miztress..that first one was too funny!!! lmaooooo!!!
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