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Old 10-17-08   #21
Dyshade
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How do you cause total chaos??

Stick twenty blind lesbians in a fish market......
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Old 10-17-08   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dyshade View Post
How do you cause total chaos??

Stick twenty blind lesbians in a fish market......
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Old 10-18-08   #23
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A joker for billy E-How to Tell Barack Obama Jokes

STEP 1

You can depend on Republicans to be a source of jokes about Obama. Here's one from them that tried to damn both Democratic canditates in the Presidential race: "If Hillary and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? ... America!"


Step 2

Obama owes much of his popularity to his being a new face on the scene--a symbol of newly fledged hope in a parade of well worn faces and cliches. But, being new, with a short resume, is grounds for jokers like you or Amy Poehler to make fun of his lack of experience: "Senator Obama answered doubts about his inexperience by saying he has gained tremendous insight from his work as a community organizer, civil rights attorney, constitutional law professor, key club president, 4H treasurer, lunch room monitor, two years of jazz, and four years of tap."


Step3

Republicans have a hard time dealing with the Obama phenomenon. The jokes they're telling about him make fun of the happenstance that his first name sounds like that of a missing terrorist and his second is "Hussein" like Iraq's one-time leader. Here's Roger Roger Ailes (Fox News) working the name jokes: "A man in France was arrested today for using his car to run down a pedestrian. He said he thought it was Osama bin Laden. OK, it was a mistake ... but it still ranks as France's biggest military victory ever...." Ailes goes for the name again later in the same speech: "And it is true that Barack Obama is on the move. I don't know if it's true that President Bush called Musharraf and said, 'Why can't we catch this guy?'"


Step4

But you can go another direction with the "name" jokes about Obama too--along the following lines, just like Jay Leno's done: "Do you know what Barack Obama¹s middle name is? Hussein. Could’ve been worse. Could’ve been Kerry."


Step5

If you google "Obama Jokes," you'll find most of them are jokes at some other politician's expense. This always happens when someone is very popular and there's a shortage of joke material. Here's one you can tell that will his supporters will really love: "Presidential candidate Barack Obama says he's going to quit smoking. Which is good news for Hillary Clinton. Now that he's breathing down her neck, she won't have to worry about second-hand smoke."


Step6

Although some comedians have managed to make jokes based on Obama's race, one need to be very sensitive when telling such jokes. Here's one from Conan O'Brien that makes fun of the situational rather than the personal facets of race: "Over the weekend, Senator Barack Obama visited New Hampshire and thousands of people showed up to hear him speak. The New Hampshire crowds were excited, because apparently, this is the first time they've ever seen an African-American." And here's another with the same kind of working action from Jay Leno: "Well, congratulations to Barack Obama, the big winner of the Democratic caucus. Stunning victory. He got 57% of the youth vote, 35% of the female vote, and 100% of Iowa's black vote, a guy named Larry." And now, here's one with a little more bite and a little more edgy--again from Leno: "You see Barack Obama at that rally surrounded by all those Kennedys? Man, I couldn¹t tell if he was running for president or bartender."


Step7

Although it doesn't touch a sensitive nerve like race, using slavery as the basis of an Obama joke can have you skating on thin ice too. If you go down this road with your Obama joke telling, do it like Bill Maher, who adds a deft twist to this joke's tail: "Did you hear the latest about Barack Obama? He comes from a family of slave owners. He’s black, but he’s half white. Apparently, on his mothers side, which is the white side, they owned slaves. The Barack Obama camp is going to deny it ... but his approval ratings in the South shot up 27 points."


Step8

The news flash that Obama and Dick Cheney might be distant relations provides a lot of ammunition for jokes: "Isn’t that amazing, Obama and Cheney related? Dick Cheney now has more blacks and gays in his own family than in the entire Republican Party."
That was Leno, and here's Letterman: "Did you hear that Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are cousins? It¹s strange, isn’t it? Barack did not inherit the family sneer."


Step9

Here's a final Obama Joke from Leno that manages a shot at another easy target as well: "Vice
President Dick Cheney’s wife, Lynne Cheney, said that Barack Obama and Dick Cheney are related. She said they are actually eighth cousins. Lynne Cheney says that Obama and Dick Cheney’s connection was the result of one of Obama’s ancestors marrying one of Cheney’s ancestors in 1650. Even more interesting, you know who introduced them in 1650? .... Bob Dole."
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Old 10-22-08   #24
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Q: What's red and has seven dents in it?
A: Snow White's cherry


________


Q:Why can't women go skiing?
A:No snow between the kitchen and the bedroom.

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Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.


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Q: What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
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You're my bitch, Bitch. You'll do exactly what I tell you.

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Old 07-23-10   #25
Midnightlover37
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Q. How do you tell when a blonde is stressed?


A. When her tampon is behind her ear and she cant find her pencil.
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Old 12-03-10   #26
JBu92
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if a kid is late for special ed...



is it ok to mark him "tardy"?

---------------------------------

what do you call 2 mexicans playing basketball?





juan on juan
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Old 01-30-11   #27
Lurking
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Q: How do you fit 50 jews in a volkswagen beetle?

A: One chopped up in the trunk and 49 in the ashtray.

-------------------
Q: What do you call a former model with big tits and no arms or legs?

A: The perfect victim.
A: A hot date!
A: Easy.
A: A toilet.

-----------------------
Q: What do you do when you see an attractive woman on the street?

A: Walk up to her and ask, "Does this rag smell like chloroform?"
A: Chloroform her.
A: Bash her face in and rape her.

-------------------------
Q: Why don't black men get jobs?

A: I don't know.

-----------------
Q: How do babies fly?

A: You swing them around your head real hard and let go.
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Old 01-30-11   #28
NhocCuteGirlz
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PDS again eh?
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Old 02-09-11   #29
Sik Simon
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What's pink and red and has trouble moving down corridors?

A baby with a javelin through it's face.
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Old 02-15-11   #30
Sik Simon
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What do you call a black person who cheats at spades?

A reneger
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Old 02-18-11   #31
Sik Simon
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Things that I call this mexican guy at work:

-his real name: roberto

Rolando
Armando
Ricardo
Mena Suvari

I geuss it's a inside joke because I'm the only one laughing
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Old 03-16-11   #32
Feroluce
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Statistics show that Nine out of Ten people enjoy gang rape
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Old 03-17-11   #33
Wicked Lady
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Wait... I remember you.
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Old 03-22-11   #34
Odious^Minstrel
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Q: Why did Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?


A: She needed the other one to moan.

*********

Q: How do you make a baby cry twice?


A: Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear.
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now...
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A 20 gallon brass syringe
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Into the anus of the possessed....
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Old 04-17-11   #35
snuggy
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Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS……..
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Old 12-27-11   #36
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What screams and runs in a circle?
A baby with one foot nailed to the floor

What's white, red, and cries?
a peeled baby covered in salt

what's the best thing about fucking a baby?
you can see the knob of your cock every time it screams

what's the best way to get a baby into a bowl?
a blender

what's funnier than a dead baby?
a dead baby next to a kid with down's syndrome

why did the dead baby cross the road?
it was chained to my bumper

what's red, black, blind, and cries?
a baby with needles in it's eyes thrown in the fireplace

what does a deaf, blind, quadriplegic baby get for xmas?
cancer

what's the difference between a baby and a bagel?
you put a bagel in a toaster. you put a baby in an oven.

there, tasteless jokes. Did i contribute? I think so.
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Old 02-06-12   #37
ghkovacs
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HaHa! Go alaska! very funny Palin joke
Thanks,
Gavin
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Old 02-18-12   #38
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They say that God knows everything and is always looking down at us.

That's great. But I don't want God looking down at me when I'm in the bathroom. I need privacy, even from Him.
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