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Old 12-26-03   #1
dark_duqualle
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missing the begining, not understanding the end

i usualy sit here. doing searches, and wasting my time looking up stupidshit. another eventfull nightmare in my otherwise unspecfic dream. everything is lost, and i am ready to gie up, as i am so willed to do so.
less than a week ago i found out i have a low count of white blood cells. no its not aids, but the doctors do think its a tumor or abbrasive in my brain. fucking great. i taledto josh ackmen'smom and she thiks i can get an appointment at th upmc scanning center downtown where she works. i dont have insurance anymore, gram took me off after that little incident last spring.
im taking it right now as a reason to get all my things done. i am finishing my newes bok, and i must say it is turnng out rather well. its a physcological thriller ficton/ biography. thas riht, its all abut me and my life. my dreams, and my nighmares. more about my past is revealed in this book then i have ever told anyone. figure if i am going to go, i might as well g with all of it in the open, and all my heartaches known.
i have even given up all my happiness to get all of it done. i am apanning a trip to see my dad and brother back in philly. to say hello, and maybe goodbye to my freinds. still planning on gong to college this upcomming fall, just so i can prove that i will do it to some people. i raly want to be a teacher, and maybe if i get off my ego trip, apply for mdicade, and mybe get over my fear of doctors iwll go get tested and possibly go through a surgery or two.
although the options of surgery are low becase iwill live, will not remember anything. i will be labotamized. iwould rather die, then become a fruit, a vegetable in some white room. dooling on myself, never feeling love again. never feeling touches of thse who love me, and never agia will i eel thelong awaited kiss of my true love. she's there, watching. right now she is not caring, but she is there watching somewhere.
i love you, and this is all true.

i never wanted to sleep with those two other girls. maura, and chelsea. but i aso gave up my decision when i stayed in that hell whole, drinkning and getig high all the time.
i never eant to hurt you all the ways did. at my house on noember 2nd, at my grams. being so jelous and ruining your relationship with your friends. i have neverknown love like this, and i didnt want to give yothe option of finding soething else besides me. i wanted to keep you locked up all to myself, not known about to the rest of the world.
im sory i couldnt keep m promises, and i just kept reaking the rules.

t my father:
im sorry i killed you. im sorry i hated yo, and im sorry wished you all the evils of my world. you have payed your deb and now you have new one for leaving. breking my heartand makingme always fea the wrst.thank you for my blood, and hank youfor my diseases. my greed, and jelusy, my anger and hurt. all my pain could be gone in an instant, if i wasnt so affriad.

to my mother:

what can i say? youve only been aroundfor about 2 years, and its the longest in my life. thanksfor trying, and thanks forsharing the memories i had forgotten. thanks for all the adventure and freedom, and thanks for......thank for giving me life, thaks for lovingda, and thanks for lovingme.

to me:
i hte yo. i always have. you brat, fiend! i cant wait for you to die. icant wait for you to choke i your own thoughts nd overru me again. you keep trying, but you can kill me, you have not the reason r the will to end my life, but ihave all the will in the wolrd to nd yours. all i need be is b alone, and thn die. yu cant eat me! i can nd will win over you. you have thretene your ast love, and you have cut me the last time.

a sid note:
i will be leaving soon. hopefully in the next week. i m truly orry for all i have hurt. i will try to stay up to date with everything on here, so that people knw how i amdoing with my progress and sickness. i will try to let you all know how my book is comming, and maybe one day, long down the road, i cn tell you of my ove, returnng t my arms, and then living in bliss. like i said, i have been living my dreams in my nightmares. and this dream is slowly being deinished by them all.













i love you, never forget that!
i loveyou, always see that!
i love you, hope you noticed!
i miss you, wish you were here.
ill be with you sooner than you think.
im almost there.
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Old 12-29-03   #2
dark_duqualle
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well, i am buying my tickt tomarow. probably wont be on for a long time forum goers.

*everyone breaks outi cheers!!!*

i know, i know, you'll all miss me vry mch.

*laughing in the crowd*

but, i ant you all to know, i will be home one day.

*BOO!!BOOOOOOOO!!*

dont be upset forum. i love you

*PEOPLE CRY*
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Old 12-29-03   #3
xDevilz Bitchx
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Take care....dawg
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Old 12-30-03   #4
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You always did have a nasty little habit of not telling the truth you know I care of I would have hung up the phone. Have fun.


Don't call him "dawg," i hope one of your horses freak out and eat you. So run off and get high/drunk and disrespect your body some more, go, run!
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Old 12-30-03   #5
xDevilz Bitchx
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First of all i was just joking around with him and he knows that...Calm the fuck down. And anyways i can say whatever the fuck i want to say to Fran cuz u dont fucking own him hun!

Second...My horses rnt shit so that means they wont ever freak out on me or anything. Horses arent like nasty pussy whipped little girls who freak out on everything!

Third...I dont get high anymore...Stupid ass...If u would read shit u would get that right...I get drunk yes, everyone does. It doesnt hurt ur body. And for ur fucking information i havent for a long time now....But then again u cant fucking read as we all can tell now!
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Old 12-31-03   #6
dark_duqualle
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hey, if the only thing you two can do in my journal is fight, then please. get the fuck out!!!!

well, its new years eve, and i am spending it alone. first time i have ben alone on new years in, well, since before my dad died 4 years ago. i realy miss him. all the itmes i sit up at night, and look at his pictures. his half crooked smile, trying to conceal his missing teeth. my mom knocked them out, and they were his pride and joy. perfect pearly white's, till the bitch punched them out, well, used a stool to knock them out.
i miss my dad, saying goodmorning ot me on christmas. spending the night listeningto good music on the sound system, while the tv was on mute i might add. he always cracked me up with that one. he would just put the tv on for no good reason, and fall asleep. i would turn it off or something, and he would open his eye's, and be like" i was watching that!" so i would turn it back on. i miss the way he would cover me up and bundle with me when i was sick. i miss the way he wold proect me if anything was wrong. i am 17, and the only things i know about life is from the fuck ups around me.
i drpped out of school, and that about sums up where my life is going now. as i have put before, im leaving for philly soon. i se no actual reason to go except tat there's nothing left in this hell whole i am in now. i just sit my over miserable ass in a corner of my room and cry. i cry to myself. i bring everyone down, so i dont realy talk ot anyone anymore.
i have called it quite's at work, and on a few other things. i have 38 bucks, still on a check, and it's all to go home.
matt and carl, and all the guys from the good old days. i get to see my uncle joe....not realy my uncle but, you know how it goes with family friends?
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Old 12-31-03   #7
dark_duqualle
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shit, wasnt done with that post.

anyway, im just sitting here at my computer for the 4th day in a row. listening ot alice in chains's album jar of flies. im stuck on nutshell and dont follow. talk about being depressed. all i hear day and night is the guitar parts of the awesome jerry cantrell. i hear him and that heroin head singing thier fucked upnlyrics in that alice and chains fashion inot the mic with the lovely harmonica behind them. leading me into another band of tears. i dont know what i have done more over the past 4 days. cried or blead. i guess its a tossup. i keep opening old wounds, both in my heart and on my physical body.
make me happy!! i used to cry tat, now i just dont care. im starting to think i am going home to die. i realy dont want to curse anyone with this, this, this hellish thing known as me. my life and failures. constantly i remind myself. i know i fucked up! i know it! stop remindingme.......i try to tmake things beter for me, but it never works in the end. cant i just cry myself to sleep all the time? i already do...(chuckle) i think i am wigging out man. all i see are spots and my head is spinning. i feel like im floating on a cloud. i hope i didnt take ot many plls, who am i kidding, yes i do. i hope i took enough to end this pittifull exscuse for a manhood. this childhood ruined by eveything that cold hae ruined it.





my life has been nothing but attempts and failures.
so why do i even try, for the hope that one day my attempt's will matter?
fuck it, it hasnt yet, so why try?




my mom is bitching: you have been on that computer for hours. your allways on that computer fran, why dont you go outside or somehting. go write a song. call someone on the phone. do somehting besides type. are you even listening ot me?

nope, sorry mom. im not listening to a word. i just adlibed your speach onto the scree with my telechenesis. i heard you through the music in my head, and in my ear phones.

please, someone out there, show me how to make it better.............................



im gonna go break apart some ........things...... maybe ill be on agian later.


"nutshell" by alice in chains,

we chase misprinted lies
we face the path of time
and yet i fight
and yet i fight
this battle all alone
no on to cry to
no place to call home

my gift of self is raped
my privacy is raked
and yet i find
and yet i find
repeating in my head
if i cant be my own
id feel better dead


goodbye all. once again.......
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Old 12-31-03   #8
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I love Alice in Chains... can't believe he's fucking dead.
Hang on, everybody gets to experience death, so there's no reason to hurry things up. You're only 17, you should try and finish school. If you've been feeling like this for a while, maybe some anti-depressant would help.
anyway- happy new year!

Find something beautiful, and hang on to it for dear life...
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Old 12-31-03   #9
dark_duqualle
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thank you doomblossom. you truly are a life saver. i was acctualy offered a chance to join a new band today, about 5 minutes ago actually...... i think it wil be a fun adventure when i get back fomr my trip to philly.

i do try to savor life, i just have trouble finding things worth savoring, know what i mean? uhm.....plus there is this possible head trauma, or somehtinglike that. i keep having nose bleeds, and real bad headache's. i cant concentrate most of the time, and i get sleepy and dizzy, but i can never fall asleep. for the last 5 nights straight i have had lapses of time where i wuld close my eye's and see crazy things. i wil just stay awake fr hours on end, listening to the radio, then staring at the ceiling. there are animals in my attic, so i lsten to them furries scurry around. maybe i should go chase them or something, make me loose some energy, or pass out and wake up with rabi's or some shit like that.....

**foams at the mouth and starts to bite random people**

run! run! i have rabi's.................

i think i should go find my old shit, and bring mink back into the world. i can do a little ritual from the magus and bring my little dinosaur back to life....
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Old 12-31-03   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dark_duqualle
. maybe i should go chase them or something, make me loose some energy, or pass out and wake up with rabi's or some shit like that.....

**foams at the mouth and starts to bite random people**

run! run! i have rabi's.................
Hehe, *imagines dark_duqualle running around with a rabbi on her shoulders*

Is there anything that makes you laugh? (comics, tv shows, movies) It's the best way for me to get out of a funk- laugh every day.
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Old 12-31-03   #11
dark_duqualle
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well, being called a female doesnt help me get in a better mood!! lol. im a guy, look at the avatar........ actualy, i like music. i like to play it, listen to it, and then just remember it.

alice in chains, it was a shmae he died, but he only wrote one song. im glad jerry took rightfull ownership of the band.
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Old 12-31-03   #12
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Weird; I was trying to decide guy/girl, guy/girl? But I thought I had it figured out. I'm no Columbo here, obviously.
Well, that's what happens when names are so vague gender-wise. So that's you in the picture?
And what does duqualle mean?
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Old 12-31-03   #13
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it is a form of grecco-latin. means god of the darkest evil.

there was a story i heard when i was young about a god so evil, and so dark, that not even the king of gods would set foot in his presence. he had been stripped of his love, his life, and his humanity, and when he died he was so full of hatred and vengeance that he rose form his own grave and took the form of complete darkness. nothing escapes him.

he is related to the black whole!

i thought it would be neat........lol. i feel the same way most of the time so i try to use it. i acctualy use that name in my band also alot.
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Old 01-02-04   #14
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some of te goofiest shit in the world happens to me.

for new years i went over adrian's, and we both got retty tipsy. i wasrel confused when sh kissed me. after all, she told e she didnt want to bewith me before that, and then, next thing i know were k.i.s.s.i.n.g. inthe little rhym, doesnt love come next? well, i think we stll share that. i's becming very dangerous though. her mother will know soon. if her mom knows i droppe ou of school, then t ws allfor nothing.
istill kind of think it would be better for hr withought me, bu i can ge past my own jelousy and greed. i want her. i need her. she is mine and i am her's. i know everyone is sick of reading about us, but there's an option to this. dont read about it!! lol.
i woke up today at like 20 pm. i had phone calls last night that were about my little godson's and duaghter's. tey dont evn remember my name. that proves hve been awayfor too long, then i here this from carl's mom. carl ran inside ofa burning building to save people. e never cameback out again. the firefihters foud him passed out on the second floor. his lungs wre full of smoke ad arely able to catch a breathe. he might have internal burns, and he has a few 3rd dgree external. he s in the hospitol, and he will be out in like a week or so.
"asswhole!" i hate it when he tries ot play hero. he is not a firemn or th hero type. stupid ass.
my trip to philly is on the 12th everyone. tht means probably for a period of time ater the 12th, you wont here form me for a while. *like half of you care*

i notice my reputation never changes. no matter what i only have 15 reputation points. where i the love?
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Old 01-02-04   #15
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anyways, why is it i seem just as miserable no as i did a week ago. as soon as i walkd through the dor i fel likei wa all alon.i sit infrot of this coputerall the time, and ilisten to te samesogs for hours on end. i hav no oneto talk ot cause my mom is a dunk. my "girl" im no sure what ot think about that, imnot even sure that she is mine yet. i think i am typing n some sort of rhym patter even thoguh im not trying, i just am seeming ot think tat way. please someone ell me how to end this pain.



ok.....i took a few minutes andjow my thouhts have retured. iave no plans for thedaynow. i wa supposed to hang out, but that all went down the toilet. i should have stayed in bridgeville. ugh..my head hurts. think i wil get off soon.
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Old 01-02-04   #16
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thanks.........
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Old 01-02-04   #17
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sorry,didnt mean to confuse you.

i fel like crap. i was just yelled at for eating. wht kin of shi is that.
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Old 01-02-04   #18
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there use to bea ral col guy on forum who was as big of a nine inch nails fan as me. e even nmed his posts aftr diffeent nine inch nail idea's. i miss him
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Old 01-03-04   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dark_duqualle
i taledto josh ackmen'smom and she thiks i can get an appointment at th upmc scanning center downtown where she works
.
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Old 01-03-04   #20
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yah, i know. everyone thinks i should get tsted but everyone i talk to personaly also knows my history with doctors. id rather die, then be labotimized.
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