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Old 07-09-03   #21
silverflame
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very funny For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.



The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:



Things I've learned from my children (honest &no kidding):



1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.



2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.



3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.



4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.



5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.



6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.



7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.



8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.



9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.



10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.



11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.



12. Super glue is forever.



13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.



14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.



15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.



16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.



17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.



18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.



19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.



20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.



21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.



22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.



24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:


One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.



25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
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Old 07-11-03   #22
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That was sooo fucking funny!!!!
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Old 07-14-03   #23
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~grins~ i'll get some more jokes when i can
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Old 07-14-03   #24
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The Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary


Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.

Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
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Old 07-16-03   #25
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How To Entertain Yourself At the Mall

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your rear look big.

3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.

4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'AAAGH! MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!'

6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary.

8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King

9. Follow patrons of Border's around while reading aloud from 'The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook.'

10. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

11. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

12. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

13. Test mattresses in your pajamas.

14. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

15. Patiently stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

16. Sprint up the down escalator.

17. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the 'hidden picture'.

18. Ask sales personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

19. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

20. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

21. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Toilette.

22. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

23. Leave the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes on, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

24. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play 'Jesus Built My Hotrod'.

25. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they sell 'any giant things made out of straw'.

26. 'Toast' plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

27. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.

28. 'Play' the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.

29. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say, "Domino's, at your service!"

30. If it's summer, go into the toy store and ask where all the beach balls are hidden!
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Old 07-23-03   #26
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Men's Rules for Women

* If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry... we meant it the other way.

* Department stores and malls were purposely designed so that when you want to look at bed linens, shower curtains or handbags, speakers, tires or sporting equipment are always nearby.

* We don't know ANYTHING about handbags. Please, don't even ask.

* We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why...

* Silence does not always need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."

* It is in neither your best interest or ours to take those stupid magazine quizzes together.

* Actually, you probably don't want to know what we're thinking.

* Good things for you to help us with: the Sunday crossword puzzle, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

* Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching ESPN, playing cards, and home repair.

* Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

* Curley is the bald one.

* Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Cal Ripken, Michael Jordan, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Kathy Lee Gifford or Suzanne Summers are up to.

* Socks never constitute a gift.

* Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.

* Two hot dogs and a drink at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

* Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

* You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both!

* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

* When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, your saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

* No, you can't have the remote control.
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Old 08-09-03   #27
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Random Thoughts



1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away from him and you have his shoes.

2. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation....

3. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

5. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

6. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

7. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

8. I have found at my age, going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

9. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

10. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should write "A very good doctor."
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Old 08-09-03   #28
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An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.
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Old 08-09-03   #29
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The Van Gogh Family


Van Gogh After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

* His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh

* The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh

* The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh

* The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh

* The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh

* His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh

* His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh

* The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh

* The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh

* The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh

* The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh

* The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh

* His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh

* The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh

* An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh

* The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh

* A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh

* His Italian uncle: Day Gogh

* The second cousin with the tiny car: Yu Gogh

* And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh
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Old 08-27-03   #30
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*thinks over making these cards and sending the to people*
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Old 08-30-03   #31
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100 Zany Ways to Phone in a Pizza Order


* If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

* Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

* Use CB lingo where applicable.

* Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

* Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

* Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

* Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

* Answer their questions with questions.

* In your breathiest voice, tell them to just forget about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

* Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT PUCE.

* Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

* Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica.

* Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

* Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

* Stutter on the letter "p."

* Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

* Ask what the order taker is wearing.

* Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

* Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

* Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

* Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him or her to cheer you up.

* Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

* Change your accent every three seconds.

* Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

* Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Adults with Insecurities Camp, right?"

* Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

* If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

* Rent a pizza.

* Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

* Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

* Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

* Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

* Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

* Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

* Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

* Imitate the order taker's voice.

* Eliminate verbs from your speech.

* When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

* Play a sitar in the background.

* Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him or her.

* Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

* Ask to see a menu.

* Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

* Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

* Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

* Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

* Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

* Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

* Psychoanalyze the order taker.

* Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

* Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

* Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

* Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

* Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

* Report a petty theft to the order taker.

* Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

* If he or she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

* Try to talk while drinking something.

* Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

* When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

* Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

* Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

* If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

* After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

* Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

* State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

* Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

* When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

* Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

* Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

* Put them on hold.

* Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

* Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

* When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

* When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

* Haggle.

* Order a one-inch pizza.

* Order term life insurance.

* When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

* Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

* Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

* Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If the order taker says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

* Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

* If he or she suggests a side order, ask why he or she is punishing you.

* Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

* Order a steamed pizza.

* Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

* Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
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Old 08-30-03   #32
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Mental Hospital



"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and we will transfer your call to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
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