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Old 07-16-03   #1
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Random jokes.

Cars vs. Computers

When Silicon Valley wants to look good, it measures itself against Detroit. The comparison goes like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.
In response to all this goading, Detroit grumbles: Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?


If Microsoft Built Cars

* A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year.

* Every time the lines were repainted on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

* Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

* Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, too.

* Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

* You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a Car95 or a CarNT, and then you would have to buy more seats.

* New seats will force everyone to have the same sized butts.

* You would constantly have to upgrade your car.

* The oil, generator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a "General Car Fault" warning light.

* People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft Cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.

* We would still be waiting for the "6000 SUX 58" model to come out.

* We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas™, and other fluids, but the packaging would be superb.

* Ford, G.M. and Chrysler would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting a surround sound complete stereo system in all it's models.

* There would be no ignition key, just a 'start' button.

* You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

* For lack of a better idea, and to prevent anybody from developing a unique identity for their car, all models would simply be dubbed "My Car".

* All the useful, previously standard features, such as headlights, accelerator pedal and paint, would come in an optional "Plus" pack.

* People would pay money to test drive a Microsoft Car into a wall so that Microsoft could assess their pre-release cars.

* Car '95 would go down in history as the "Edsel for the 90's".

* The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before going off.

* If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened or why.

* They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.

* There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.

* Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use exciting stuff.

* Microsoft would do very well, because even though they don't own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM!

* If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!

* If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends, and then copy it.

* Whenever you bought a car, you would have to rewire the ignition for a few days before it worked.

* You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on motorways next to each other.

* Some people would trade their 95's back in for their previous cars.

* Microsoft Rapid Transit would be offered as an alternative, but would be really slow.

* Every car dealership owner would look like Bill Gates.

* Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill Gate's chauffeur.

* Apple Motors would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive and much more comfortable - but it would only run on five percent of the roads, and no one would stock parts for it.

* The Apple Motors car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower and crash for no apparent reason.

* Steve Jobs would ride a bike.

* The U.S. Government would be getting subsidies FROM an automaker, instead of giving them.


What if people bought cars like they buy computers?
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers. But imagine if they did...
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, then it started sputtering and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."
HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.
CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.
HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?"
CUSTOMER: "Followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."
HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."
CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy - Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"
HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."
CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $18,000 fo r this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components and stuff? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed - and now it won't even start up!"
HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."
CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did - now the damn thing's crashed."
HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"
C USTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"
HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"
CUSTOMER: "How do you do THAT?"
HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."
CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."
HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks. How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"


If Operating Systems Were Cars

MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.
Windows: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.
Macintosh System 7: You get in the car to go to the store, and the car drives you to church.
UNIX: You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching speeds of 200 miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop.
Windows NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says, "go to the store." Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard.
Taligent/Pink: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.
OS/2: After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in town.
S/36 SSP [mainframe, obv.]: You get in the car and drive to the store. Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way, you are run over by kids on mopeds.
OS/400: An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignons.
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
-Scott Adams
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Old 07-16-03   #2
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Company cars are better than regular cars because…

1. They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.
2. They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.
3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance.
4. They can take bumps at twice the speed of private cars.
5. Oil, battery, tire pressures and fluid levels do not need to be checked nearly so often.
6. They have a much tighter turning radius.
7. The floor is shaped like an ashtray.
8. They only burn the cheapest gas available.
9. They do not have to be garaged at night.
10. They can be driven up to 100 miles with the oil warning light on.
11. They need cleaning less often, especially inside.
12. The suspension and trunk floor are reinforced to allow concrete slabs and other heavy building materials to be carried.
13. They are adapted to allow reverse to be engaged while the car is still in forward motion.
14. The tire side walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs.
15. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminate d by the adjustment of the radio volume control.
16. No security is needed. They may be left anywhere, unlocked, with the keys in the ignition.
17. They have special batteries that can be drained and jumped repeatedly without damaging the electrical system.
18. They come with "temporary" spares that are good for 50,000 miles.
19. They have specially reinforced bumpers for moving annoying objects, such as shopping carts and sub-compact cars in parking lots.
20. All repairs can be accomplished with the cheapest after-market parts available.
21. Parking brakes do not need to be dis-engaged to drive.
22. When parking on a hill, it is safe to leave it gear and ignore the parking brake.
23. The upholstery is impervious to stains, burns, and makeup.
24. They are easily parked in spaces intended for much smaller cars.
25. They are bullet-proof, so you can be as obnoxious behind the wheel as you want to be.


Car Acronyms
Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile
Asia's Curse Upon Rural America

All Makes Combined
A Major Cost
A Mutated Car
A Morons Car
Another Major Catastrophe

Awfully Unsafe Designs Implemented
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Automobile Under Demonic Influence
Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence
Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.

Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window
Break My Windshield
Babbling Mechanical Wench
Beastly Monstrous Wonder
Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Barely Moving Wreck
Big Money Waste
Big Money. Why?
Big Money Works
Born Moderately Wealthy
Breaks Most Wrenches
Bring More Wrenches
Brings Me Women
Brings More Women
Broken Money Waster
Broke My Wallet
Broken Monstrous Wonder
Bumbling Mechanical Wretch
Blasphemous Motorized Wreck

Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
Big Ugly Imitation Chrome King

Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques

Drips Oil & Drops Grease Everywhere
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Dead Old Dog Going East
Dead On Day Guarantee Expires
Dead On Delivery, Go Easy
Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired
Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
Dear Old Dads Garage Experiment
Daily Overhauls Do Get Expensive

EDSEL: Every Day Something Else Leaks

Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It Again, Tony!
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation

Frigin' Old Rebuilt Dodge
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
First On Race Day
First On Recall Day
Fabricated Of Refried Dung
Fails On Rainy Days
Fantastically Orgasmic Realistic Dream
Fatally Obese Redneck Driver
Fault Of R&D
Finally Obsolete Racing Device
Fireball On Rear Denting
First On Road to Dump
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Recycle Dilemma
Flipping Over Results in Death
Flipped Over Roadside Disaster
Follow Our Rusty Dogsled
Foot On Road Decelerates
Forced On Reluctant Drivers
Formed Of Rejected DNA
Forwarded Once; Return Denied
Forward Only; Reverse Defective
Forlorn, Old, Ratridden Dustbin
Fork Over Repair Dough
Fouled Out Re-done Dodge
Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Deterioration
Free Or Reduced Drastically
Frequent Opinion: Really Disappointed
Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable
Funny Old Rattling Dump
(backwards) Driver Returns On Foot

GEO: Good Engineering Overlooked

General Maintenance
Great Mistake
Garbage Motors
Generally Miserable
Grossly Misconceived
Gluteus Maximus

Garage Man's Companion
Gotta Mechanic Coming?
Generally Mediocre Cars
Get More Chicks
Gets Mechanics Crazy
Gods Mechanical Curse
Got More Crap
Great Mountain Climber
Great Motor Car

GTO: Gas, Tires, Oil

Had One Never Did Again
Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
Hallmark Of Non-Descript Automobiles
Hallmark Of Non-Destructable Automobiles

HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

Just Eats Every Part
Junk Engineering Executed Poorly

MAZDA: Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
MG: Money Guzzler
MGB: Might Go Backwards
MGF: Might Go Forward
MIATA: My Intention: Always To Accelerate

Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly
Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously
Most Often Passed At Races
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Move Over People Are Racing
Move Over Plymouth Approaching Rapidly
My Old Pig Ain't Running
My Only Problems Are Repairs

MUSTANG: Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good
OLDSMOBILE: Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

Put In Nickel To Operate
Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook

PLYMOUTH: Please Leave Your Money Out Under The Hood
PONTIAC: Poor Old Numbskull Thinks Its A Cadillac
PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Sad Attempt At Beauty
Sorry Auto, Always Broken
Shape Appears Ass-Backwards

SUBARU: Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass
The One You Ought To Avoid

This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW: Virtually Worthless


How to Tell When Need a New Car.

* You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.
* 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
* When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
* While waiting at a stop-light, people run up to your car asking if anyone was hurt.
* For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom-vroom" noises while sitting in the driveway.
* You keep losing dates on left turns.
* Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
* Your tires are balding faster than Michael Bolton.
* The engine burns more oil than gas.
* You wouldn't mind if you were car-jacked.
* You judge suitable parking spaces by the degree of downhill slope.
* You have the local tow company on speed-dial.
* The engine catches fire and you don't notice anything wrong until the firetruck pulls you over.
* You can leave your car parked, unlocked, with the k eys in the ignition, and not worry about it being stolen.
* Public transportation starts to look good.
* Your entire car isn't worth the minimum insurance deductable.
* The city sends you a notice requesting that you remove the "abandoned vehicle" from your driveway.
* Even homeless people look derisively at your car.
* Every time you start your car, the local smog index jumps a whole point.
* The local mechanic says that doing a tune-up is just "throwing good money after bad."
* You double the value of your car everytime you fill the tank.
* The 8-track tape deck finnally eats your last tape.
* When you try to sell it, The Old Car Trader won't accept your ad because they, "have a reputation to protect."
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
-Scott Adams
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Old 07-16-03   #3
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Your a Red-Neck Rodder if....
You can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
You have a hefty bag for a passenger-side window.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that's mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
People hear your car long before they see it.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course - from your car.
MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth be fore telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name in your arm.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
All of your four letter words have two syllables.
Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You have grease under your toenails.
The directions to your house say "Turn off the paved road."
When packing for vacation, your biggest decision is whether to us e paper or plastic.
You have trouble with people parking under your truck.
You've ever driven across a pond.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.
Your high school annual is now a mug-shot book for the police.
You've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.
You consider a six-pack of beer and a bug-zapper entertainment.
You've ever parked a car in a tree.
You consider old car parts nailed to a wall "Modern Art."
The new part you purchased for your car cost more than your wife's wedding ring.
You've ever requested a handicapped plackard because you can't walk and chew bubblegum at the same time.
You've ever sold moonshine as a dual purpose gas additive.
You consider Ford blue, John Deere green, and primer grey as the three primary colors.
The only tools in your car ar e a pair of pliars, a large flat-tipped screwdriver, and a hammer.
Smog warnings are issued by the local news stations when you drive into town.
You've ever driven accross a pond.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
You consider it a crime that "Dukes of Hazard" never won an Emmy.
You can name over 100 different uses for Bondo. 200 if you include chicken wire.
You don't know the meaning of the word "fear." In fact, you can't even spell it.
A good game of "chicken" involves real chickens and a car.
Fish & Game has to keep telling you not to use your car to fish and hunt.
You're not worried about the price of gas because you "brew" your own.
Your jumper cables are really an old appliance power cord.
The Salvation Army has asked you to stop making donations.
Your car has ever caught fire and you failed to notice.
You think weather-stipping is a form of nude sun-bathing.
You think a "catalytic-converter" is some sort of eye-operation.
The grill of your truck has hamburger drippings on it.
You have a line of credit at the pull-apart yard.
All of your cars are named after Civil-War heroes from south of the Mason-Dixon Line.
Your state legislature has ever specifically named you in a piece of legislation.
When informed of your death, your reletives won't need to ask how it happened.
You owe money on more than one vehicle that doesn't run.
You consider being able to identify road-kill as a useful skill.
Grass won't grow in your yard because that's where you park your car.
It's easier to burn your yard rather than mow it.
Your sister is the best mechanic in the county.
Your mother does wear Army boots… the ones you gave her last Christmas.
You Might be a Speed-Freak if:
The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull into their bay.

You can't drive your car in the rain.

Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.

You are afraid to drive your car.

Your 'Significant other' won't even ride in the car.

You spend more on tires than on food.

Your local DOT decides not to re-pave your street with that new rubberized asphalt because you've already 'done such a good job.'

You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.

Your insurance company had to create a whole new actuarial table to cover you and your vehicle.

Your insurance agent sends 'Thank You' postcards from Tahiti.

You have ever argued with your wife over making the mortage payment or buying that new set of headers while they're still on sale.

You see a picture of your car taped to the bulletin board at your local police station.

Your local city council has passed an ordinance making it illegal for you to even enter a school-zone unless you are foot.

Traffic advisories are issued whenever your car is spotted during rush-hour.

You have to go to the track to buy gas.

Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.

You have speed shops on your telephone speed-dial.

You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.

You refer to the intersection at the end of your street as turn #1.

You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."

News footage of cops chasing you is used as a training video at your state's police academy.

You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.

You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.

Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.

You need parachute braking.

There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.

Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened

Fuel is delivered to your home in 55 gallon drums.

You wear earplugs in your car.

You find out that stock side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.

Your exhaust pipes are a larger diameter than your driveline.

Your fuel pump can be used to water a golf course.

Your engine idles at 2800 rpm.

You measure the fuel you use in "gallons per mile".

The local airport complains about the noise coming from your garage on Saturdays.

The fire department has ever showed up at your house because alarmed neighbors reported smoke billowing from your garage.

You get upset when your kid only gets a 'C' autoshop but not when he flunks math or english.

You consider ABS and traction control as options for the 'driving impaired.'
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
-Scott Adams
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Old 07-16-03   #4
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Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in Pennsylvania son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that Son-of-a-B***h would've tried that s**t with me!"


A Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares and lit them, and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and watched the show. After a minute or two, he went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Just take me to jail… ain't no way I'm gonna pass that test."


A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she smiled and said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

Giving her a stern look, he replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she continued to smile and tried not to laugh. Realizing what he'd just said, he closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left without saying another word. The women broke down and laughed so hard it was another 10 minutes before she could pull herself together and start her car.


A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through a camera-monitored intersection while the light was red. A $100 ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a photo-copy of a $100 dollar bill. The police responded by sending him a photo of handcuffs. He paid immediately.


A policeman had staked out a perfect place to watch for speeders without being seen, but for some reason wasn't catching very many, even though it was a busy road. After a while he cruised up the road and discovered the problem - a 10-year-old boy was standing by the side of the road with a hand-painted sign that read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."

He then discovered the little boy had an accomplice. Down the road past the place he had been lying in wait was another little boy. He had a sign that said "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we just used to sell lemonade!)


Conversation at the Nursing Home

At a nursing home a group of Seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even punch out the chad at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others
nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully ...." and thank God we can all still drive!


A man’s car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met the farmer. He told the farmer his story.

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.


"Oh, I wouldn’t listen to Bessie," said the Farmer. "She doesn’t know anything about cars."


Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to the old man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm goanna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
-Scott Adams
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A man is driving with his wife, and speeding, so a cop pulls them over and says "You were going 65 in a 40 mph zone". The man replies that he was only going 40 mph, but his wife adds, "That's not true, you were doing at least 70!", so the man says to her "Shut up, you moron!".

The cop also notices that the man is not wearing a seat belt, and says that he will get a ticket for that also. The man tells the cop that he unbuckled his seat belt to get out his wallet, after being stopped. His wife butts in "You liar, you never wear a seat belt", and the man says "Shut up, you moron!".

Now the cop goes to the other side of the car and asks the woman if her husband always talk to her like that.

The woman answers, "Oh no, only when he's drunk".


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the highway. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”


A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."


A gynecologist decided that he'd had it with gynecology. He wanted to go and fulfill his lifelong dream and become a car mechanic.

So he studied hard, and when he felt he was ready, he registered to go take the state licensing test.

The results of the test arrived a few weeks later, and with trembling hands he opened the envelope to discover that he passed with flying colors! He got a score of 200 points out of the 100 points possible.

"200 points out of 100 points possible?" he asks himself. "How can that be?"

So he called the licensing board and they tell him: "You see sir, you received 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly, 50 points for putting the engine back together perfectly, and 100 EXTRA points for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."


I've got a two-tone car: primer and rust!


A guy gets stopped by a cop who closely examines the guy's license.
"You're not wearing glasses" the cop says, noting the restriction.
"But officer" says the guy, "I've got contacts."
The cop replies, "I don't care who you know, you've gotta wear your glasses."


Responding to an ad for a 2-door Chevy for $100 a man discovers that the car for sale is a 1959 Corvette. He says to the woman, "You know, the car has to be worth at least $30,000, why are you selling it so cheap?"
The woman replied, "My husband has left me for another woman. He told me to sell the corvette and send him the money."


Why do Yugo's have rear-window defrosters?
To keep your hands warm while you push them off the road on cold winter days…


Two men get into a car accident. One is a tourist, and one is a native to the town. They get out of their cars to look at the damage. They exchange names and addresses, and wait for the cops to come. As they are waiting, the native says,"Why don't we have a drink to calm our nerves?" The tourist accepts, and takes a drink out of the flask in the native's coat. He hands it back to the native, who puts the cap back on and returns it to his coat. "Aren't you going to have some?" the tourist asks. "As soon as the cops leave, He replies."


A man was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped to ask if he needed a ride. "No thanks...," he said, "I'm not going that far."


Henry Ford in Heaven
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car, has changed the world for the better. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang with Adam, the first man." So, St. Peter points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, he asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?"
Adam says "Yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion.
2. it chatters at high speeds.
3. the rear end wobbles too much.
4. and the intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
"Hmmm...", says Adam, "hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Mr. Ford, "It may be that my inventio n is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."


A Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls- Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, a nd went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb - with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the door of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated proudly.
The Yugo owner looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THAT?!?!"
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
-Scott Adams
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Old 07-16-03   #6
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Real Answers From Responses On A Driving School Exam
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't get my license plate number!
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying: "Guns don't kill people. I do!
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your Car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Being too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What problem would you face if arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd lose my buzz.
Q: How would it change your life if you had your license suspended or revoked?
A: I'd have to drive illegally.
Q: What is the most important thing to remember when passing or being passed?
A: If the driver is cute, make eye contact and wave "hello".
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.


A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO . It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 200 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh, Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are in bad shape.
He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man moans and replies, "Yes, Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"


A Highway Patrolman waited at his Georgia speed trap several hours for a speeding vehicle. Finally a southbound sports car passed him doing 17 miles above the speed limit. The Patrolman quickly flipped on the lights and engaged in pursuit. As he approached the window of the offender's car the Patrolman told the driver, "I've been waiting for you all day!" to which the driver responded, "Well, I got here as fast as I could."


You Know Your Car Is Getting Old When...
Your gas gauge measures in cubits
Your passenger seat is listed as a historical sight
You never seem to get an answer at the AMC Gremlin help desk
Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopie cushion taped to your steering wheel
Your car has orthopedic brake-shoes
Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take "The Club"


Driving for Food and Profit
Dave Barry says, "Automobiles are a mixed blessing. On the one hand, they provide us with lots of benefits that were undreamed-of in the "horse-and-buggy" days. For example, any time we get hungry, we can simply hop into the car, pull up to the drive-through window of a fast-food restaurant, purchase a tasty hot meal, spill our coffee on our thighs, and sue a major corporation for millions of dollars."


A man walks into a bar. The bartender looks up at him and says "Hey buddy, it looks like you have a steering wheel down your pants."
The man turns to the bartender and replies "Yeah mate, it's driving me nuts."


Jay Leno on the Tonight show,
"Russia, today is just the way the US was in the 50s. They drive big cars, wear funny suits, watch black and white TVs and they're afraid of communism."
"Ladies and gentleman, Lexus, the luxury car of the future, yeah, yeah..., it was recalled because the cruise control wouldn't disengage and the brake lights wouldn't turn off. Hey, who says the Americans can't make cars as good as the Japanese, eh?"


Three guys die and go to heaven.
The first goes up to Saint Peter who says, "I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?"
The guy answers, "Yes, I've never even looked at another women."
Saint Peter says, "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while you're in heaven."
The second guy gets the same question, and answers, "Once I strayed but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out."
Saint Peter says, "See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in heaven."
The third guy answers the same question, "I have to admit, I've chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women."
Saint Peter says, "Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you're in heaven.
The three guys go off on their separate ways.
A few weeks later, guy 2 and guy 3 are driving along when they see guy 1's Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. Th ey stop and go into the bar and Find guy 1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in his hands on the bar.
They come up to him and guy 2 says, "Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!"
He says, "I saw my wife today!"
The other two answer, "That's great! What's the problem?"
He answers, "She was riding a skateboard!"
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
-Scott Adams
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In an attempt to reduce the number of drunk drivers, the local police decide to start staking out the local bars at closing time. Because they are short-handed they can only post one car at each bar, so the police chief instructs them to watch the people as they leave the bar go after whoever seems the most drunk. He gives each officer a portable breathalyzer and sends them on their way.

One cop ends up waiting until 2am before the bar he's watching closes. People head for their cars in various stages of unsteadyness, but one guy in particular is so wasted he's bouncing practically every car and object in the parking lot as he looks for his vehicle, falling flat on his face several times. Crawling the last fifteen feet the drunk manages to open the door and haul himself int his car. Just as the guy starts to pull out of the lot, the cop comes roaring up with the lights and siren blaring and orders the guy out fo his car.

The driver is ordered through a series of sobriety test - counting backwards, walking a straight-line, standing one foot, etc. - and passes them all with flying colors. In exasperation the cop orders him to breathe into the breathalyzer which reads a big goose-egg.

Infuriated, the cop asks, "What in the hell is going on! Getting to your car you could barely walk, now seem to be stone cold sober!"

The man grins and replies, "I'm the designated decoy!"


The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible.
- Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
- I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
- In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
- I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
- As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
- I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
- I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
- I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
- A n invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.


What Not To Say or Do When Pulled Over.
Not again!
Whatever it was I didn't do it.
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Sorry I was speeding, your wife said to hurry on over!
Make this fast, I've got to get the beer back to the party before it gets warm.
Darn, I thought that I was heading AWAY from Dunkin doughnuts.
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a trooper, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Got change for a hundred?
Bad cop! No donut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, is that a 9 mm? How's that compare to this one here?
Say Hi to your wife and my kids!
Man, I have no idea how fast I was goin'!
What exactly is "legally drunk"?
So, what's a good bribe go for around here?
I hope you realize you're about to ruin a perfect record.
Okay, so I was speeding and I let you catch me - how about best of three?
If I were you I'd let me go!
Met your quota? Happy now?
You should give the ticket to my damn unreliable cruise control.
Spe eding is an abstract concept, don't you think?
If I had known you were there I would never have been going that fast!
How fast was I going? I don't know because the speedo doesn't go that high.
Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
Pretend you are gay and ask him out. When he says no, cry.
If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
Clean your ear with the pen.
Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say "I thought the name sounded familiar..."
Mumble to yourself.
Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
Tell him you like men in uniform.
Course I'm pissed officer, d'you think I'd drive like this if I was sober.
Is that a baton in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me.
You can't do that, this isn't my car!
Hey! That's my beer!
60 mph in a 30mph area? Could you put down 70 - I'm trying to sell the car.
Yes, officer I saw your flashing lights, but you didn't seem to be catching me, so I assumed you were after someone else.
When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder.
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
-Scott Adams
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Old 07-16-03   #8
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If the ad says…. it really means….

MUST SELL… before it blows up.
RUNS FINE… I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last minute attack of conscience.
NEEDS SOME BODY WORK… was side-swiped by a Winnebago.
WELL-MAINTAINED… I occasionally changed the oil.
LOOKS LIKE NEW… just don't try to drive it anywhere.
ALL ORIGINAL… I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
LOADED WITH OPTIONS… each one more troublesome than the last.
NEVER SMOKED IN… unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.
PROJECT CAR… I can't figure out how to finish it and I doubt you will either.
LOTS OF POTENTIAL… to drive you insane.
NEEDS MINOR REPAIR… doesn't run.
ENGINE QUIET... uses 90-weight oil
PARTS CAR... beyond repair.
ROUGH CONDITION… too bad to lie about.
IMMACULATE... recently washed.
CONCOURS... recently waxed.
NEEDS MINOR OVERHAUL... needs engine.
NEEDS MAJOR OVERHAUL... phone the junkyard.
BURNS NO OIL... (it all leaks out).
REBUI LT ENGINE... cleaned the spark plugs.
DRIVE IT AWAY... I live on a hill.
DRIVE IT ANYWHERE... (within 10 miles).
DESIRABLE CLASSIC... no one wants it.
RARE CLASSIC... no one wanted it even when it was new.
STORED 20 YEARS... (in a farmer's field).
RAN WHEN STORED... won't start.
NEVER APART... bolts too rounded to loosen.
SOLID AS A ROCK... rusted solid
RESTORED, WITH 0 MILES... won't start.
RESTORED, WITH 2 MILES... won't stay running.
OLDER RESTORATION... first owner washed it.
GOOD INVESTMENT... can't be worth much less.
NO TIME TO RESTORE IT... can't obtain parts.
95% COMPLETE... other 5% doesn't exist.
CLEAN… homeless dude at 5th and Main did the windows.
GOOD TRANSPORTATION… It's ugly as sin.
ENGINE BLUEPRINTED… I don't know what it means either.
LOW MILES… the odometer was turned back.
ONE OWNER… can't give it away.
SURE TO APPRECIATE… that's why I'm selling it.
. . .OR BEST OFFER… I'm guessing here.
OTHER INTERESTS CONFLICT... spouse's ultimatum: "Either that #!!@&## thing goes or I do!"


You might be a racer if ...

- You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.
- You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check out cars.
- You feel compelled, on a road trip, to beat your previous best time.
- You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to racing depth and the wear bars are showing.
- When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.
- When you hear 'overcooked it', instead of food you think 'off the track'.
- You change engine oil every other week.
- You sometimes hear little noises from your passengers when you get on the throttle right after turning in.
- You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around a highway off-ramp.
- Your racing budget is one of the big three -- mortgage, car payments/maintenance, dating.
- Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.
- You walk proper lines through the grocery store.
- You 've been known to yell "It means 'check your mirrors' dammit!" at your television.
- You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.
- You buy new parts because you can't remember where you put the spares.
- You bought a race car before buying a house.
- You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.
- You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!
- You find that you need a new house because you've outgrown your garage and the neighbors are threatening violence if you park one more vehicle on the street or in the front yard.
- The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):
1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motorhome, a crew cab dualie, a 28'enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
4) A grease pit.
5) Convenient to a hazardous waste disposal site.
6) Deaf neighbors.
7) Across the street from a paint and body shop.
8) Some sort of house with a working toilet and shower on the property somewhere -or- hookups for the motorhome.
- You measure all family acquisitions in terms of the number of race tires that could have been purchased.
- You know that Orthodontic work is the equivalant of three sets of tires.
- You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.
- You look at the purchase of tools as a long term investment.
- Your wife says, "If you buy another set of tires, I'm getting a new mink."
- Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.
- You have enough spare parts to build another car.
- More than one race supply house recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.
- You have car parts in your cubicle at work.
- You think the last lin e of the Star Spangled Banner is: "Racers, start your engines!"
- If you can't remember when you last worked on weekdays and rested on weekends.
- You're registered for wedding gifts at Pegasus and Racer Wholesale.
- Your Christmas list begins with "another set of BFG R1s and Pauter rods," and your 'significant other' knows what they are.
- After your answer to "What did you do this weekend?" the next question is always: "And you do this for fun? Right?"
- You have a separate drawer for 'garage clothes'.
- The reading material in your bathroom consists of auto parts and racing supply catalogs, several books written by famous drivers, every book Carroll Smith has ever written.... and 400 car magazines, none of which have centerfolds.
- People know you by your class letter, car number, and car color.
- People know you by your "off"s". "Oh, you're the one got stuck in the mud at ButtonWillow last weekend!"
- You talk to other cars on the road, calling them by the manufacturer's name.
- Your first date involves asking her to crew for you.
- Your criteria for selecting a significant other include auto repair skills. Air tools optional.
- Your friends don't recognize you without a helmet and driver's suit.
- Your family remembers your hair color as "grease".
- You plan your wedding around the race schedule.
- You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.
- You remember the dates and details of every race you've ever been in, but can't remember your phone number.
- Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with you.
- You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop.
- A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."
- You give out Summit Racing's number when a friend asks for the best hardware store.
- You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."
- You look at the fire hydrant at that corner and see an apex marker.
- You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work or school.
- You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars coming out.
- Everywhere you go, you try to find the fastest line through the turn.
- You always do a toe & heel downshift while whoever might be your passenger gives you a real funny look.
- You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you are the best.
- You can't stand understeer.
- You always want to change something in your street car to make it handle better.
- You will gladly pay up to $8 for a quart of engine oil.
- You hate long distance driving, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track.
- You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.
- You've ever tried to convince your wi fe you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her station wagon.
- You save broken car parts as "momentos".
- Your last several freeway forays included just brushing the curbs as you apexed the on-ramps perfectly....
- You've found your lawnmower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't particularly care for alcohol).
- The local tire shop won't honor the tread life warranty on any car you have been within 50 yards of...
- The shop manager at your local car dealer mutters "dear Lord" under his breath after he sees the size of your exhaust piping.
- The local police and state Highway Patrol have a picture of your car taped to their dashboard.
- You spend more time polishing your exhaust tip every day than you do bathing.
- Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have timeslips.
- You would choose a rollbar over air conditioning if it were an option.
- You enjoy driving through wet, empty parking lots and using the emergency bra ke to kick the back end out.
- White smoke coming out from under your tires is a common sight.
- You consider the redline a "conservative suggestion" and the rev limiter "a fun limiter"
- You spend more on insurance premiums than on food.
- Your idea of a good time is sitting around figuring out gear ratios and the ideal final drive ratio for given situations.
- When someone refers to "The Good Book", you think of "The Auto Math Handbook"
- When someone asks where you went to school, you reply, "Skip Barber".
- You have racing shops programmed on on your speed dialer.
- You own five cars and only one of them is street legal.
- You know the 1/4 mile times and skid pad numbers of your riding mower and want to improve them.
- You've embarrassed your significant other at least once by insisting on wearing your full face helmet while driving.
- You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute, including your alternate routes, an d practice hitting them every day.
- You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.
- You regularly live test your rev limiter on that straight that's a little too long for 2nd but not worth going into 3rd for.
- You've started looking for sponsors for your daily commute.
- You've slalomed in a construction zone, and counted your penalty time in the rearview afterwards.
- After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on your vacation she answers: "Why... is there a race there?"
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
-Scott Adams
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Old 07-16-03   #9
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Job Want Ads interpreted…

* Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
* Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
* Sales Position Requiring Self-Motivated Self-Starter: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
* Self-Motivated: Management won't answer questions.
* Casual Work Atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
* Competitive Environment: We have a lot of turnover.
* Public Relations Experience Required: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
* Duties Will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
* Career Minded: We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you're 70.
* Seeking Candidated With a Wide Variety of Experience: You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
* Problem-Solving Skills a Must: You're walking into a company that's in perpetual chaos.
* Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you listen, you try figure out what they want you to do.
* Ability to Handle Heavy Work-load: You whine, you're fired.
* Flexible Hours: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
* No Experience Necessary: We don't want you to realize just how bad this job is till its too late.
* Salary Comesurate With Your Skill and Experience: …squeezing blood out of a turnip.
* People Skills a Must: There are a lot of assholes here and its on you to get along with them.
* Ability to Meet Deadlines: They will change constantly, for no apparent reason, and without regard for your workload.
* Ability to Be Discrete Desired: We cook our books and don't want you telling everyone who will listen.
* Profit Sharing: We share profits with our stock-holders; if there's anything left after that you might get a "Christmas Bonus."
* Will Train: We'll train you to jump, fetch, grovel, beg, and otherwise debase yourself in order to keep your job.
* Entry Level Position: Abandon all hope, all ye who enter here…
* Retirement Package: Sure, we got one, but no one's ever lasted long enough to collect.
* Medical Benefits: We have a first-aid kit - somewhere…


Actual Job Interviewee Statements or Actions

* Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
* A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
* Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
* Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
* Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office.
* Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
* Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
* Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
* Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
* Candidate brought large dog to interview .
* Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
* Candidate dozed off during interview.

* "What is it that you people do at this company?"
* "What is the company motto?"
* "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
* "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
* "Why do you want references?"
* "Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
* "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
* "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
* "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
* "Does your health insurance cover pets?"
* "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
* "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
* "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
* "Why am I here?"
* "I never lie!"
* "At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."
* "I feel uneasy indoors."
* "Sometimes I feel like smashing things."
* "Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars."
* "I get excited very easily."
* "Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."
* "I am fascinated by fire."
* "I like tall women."
* "Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex."
* "People are always watching me."
* "If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back."
* "Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct."
* "I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."
* "I never get hungry."
* "I know who is responsible for most of my troubles."
* "I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."
* "My legs are really hairy."
* "I think I'm going to throw-up."

Employee Performance Evaluation

___ This S.O.B. really knows his shit.
___ Knows most phases of his job.
___ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
___ Stupid bastard, couldn't find his ass with both hands and a flash-light.
___ Brain-damaged, a coffee cup has a higher IQ.

___ Does pretty good work when not preoccupied with sex.
___ Pretty good, only screws up occasionally.
___ Doesn't give a damn if he gets it right or wrong.
___ Does shitty work and constantly f***s up.
___ Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice.

Work Rate:
___ Faster than a perp on "Cops."
___ Fast S.O.B. if he thinks he's going to get a raise.
___ Does a lot of work around salary review time.
___ Works only if kicked in the ass every five-minutes.
___ Couldn't produce less if he was in a coma.

___ A very dependable little shit - grabs his ankles at the drop of a hat.
___ Brown-noser in good standing.
___ Cooperative only if his ass is kissed frequently.
___ Thinks its his job to piss off his co-workers.
___ Doesn't give a damn, never has, never will.

General Work Habits:
___ Has memorized the employee manual and submitted a written critique.
___ Generally does what he is told if he thinks he being watched.
___ Sits around with his thumb up his ass even when being watched.
___ Couldn't get to work on time with a police escort.
___ Bastard can't even spell "Work."

Appearance & Personal Hygeine:
___ Extremely neat and orderly, even combs his pubic hairs.
___ Doesn't scare away customers.
___ Needs to be introduced to toothpaste and deodorant.
___ Sloppy, dirty, filthy, smelly bastard.
___ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him.

Leadership Skills:
___ Carries a switch-blade and gets good results.
___ Constantly pisses off the troops.
___ Is occasionally told to get f****d
___ Only the janitor listens to him.
___ Can't lead a pack of starving wolves to fresh meat.
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
-Scott Adams
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Old 07-16-03   #10
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Darwin Awards
The Darwin Awards are given (posthumously) to those who do the human race the greatest favor by removing themselves from the gene-pool in the most dramatic or bizarre fashion possible.

Rocket Powered Impala,

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the desert floor, some distance beyond the apex of a long, gentle curve in the highway. The wreckage resembled that of an airplane crash, but was obviously an automobile of unidentifiable make and model.

A state lab managed to figure out the story. The wreckage was that of a Chevrolet Impala and it seems the driver had somehow obtained a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit. A JATO unit is actually a solid fuel rocket which is attached to the sides of large military transport aircraft to give them an extra "push" during take-off from short airfields, or when heavily loaded (they're about five-feet long and three inches in diameter, and was probably abtained from the Air Force "boneyard" outside Tuscon).

The presumed owner of the Impala drove out to the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He then attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up a little speed, and ignited the rocket. The Arizona Highway Patrol calculates that he fired the rocket about three miles from the point of impact - as evidenced by an area of scorched and melted asphalt.

Reaching maximum thrust within 5-seconds and remaining at full power for 20-25 seconds, the Chevy Impala is estimated to have reached speeds well in excess of 350 mph. The driver, soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-15 pilots using full afterburners - essentially rendering him insignificant for the remainder of the event.

The Impala remained on the highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver attempted to apply the brakes, completely melting them, blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber and gouge marks on the road surface. It is at this point in the ride that the vehicle is thought to have rotated for take-off and become airborne.

The Impala remained airborne for for an additional 1.4 miles, impacting the cliff-face at a height of 125-feet, leaving a three-foot deep black crater in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone and teeth were extracted from the crater and fingernail shards were found embedded in a piece of debris believed to have been part of the steering wheel. It just proves once again - speed doesn't kill, stopping does….

Two Men, a dog, and a Grand Cherokee,

It seems that some brain-surgeon from Michgan had just purchased a $30,000 Jeep Grand Cherokee and decided he just couldn't wait to do a little male-bonding in the great outdoors. He called his best friend and suggested they go duck hunting (though it was winter and all the lakes were frozen).

They load the Cherokee with guns, beer, assorted camping equipment and one Black Lab trained to fetch dead ducks. After arriving at their destination and driving out on to the frozen lake, they decide that they need to make a natural landing area for the ducks and their decoys. Deciding that the ice is too thick to tackle with a drill or auger, our two rocket scientist decide to blow a hole through the ice with a stick of dynamite (apparantly an essential piece of ordinance for Michigan duck hunters).

Taking into consideration that they need to place the dynamite far enough away to avoid injury, they give it a forty-second fuse, walk about 100 yards out from where the Cherokee is parked, light it, give the dynamite a hail-mary toss, and start running for the Jeep. Fido, thinking it is time to do his thing, takes off at high-rate of doggie speed and reaches the dynamite about the same time it hits the ice. He picks it up with a grin, tail waging furiously.

Seeing this, our two refugees from the shallow-end of the gene pool begin to yell and scream at the dog, jumping up and down and waving their hands as if the mutt will interpret this as anything other than, "come here". Fido starts trotting happily towards his master. Master and friend start running for the woods at the edge of the lake, but this just prompts Fido to run, too.

As the pooch closes the distance, Mensa candidate No.2 remembers that he is carrying a shotgun - which he promptly fires at the pursuing mutt. Loaded with #8 duck shot, and still about 50 yards away, the blast is hardly enough to stop the big Black Lab. Stunned and confused, the dog stops momentarily and then continues on, requiring the shooter to unload barrel two on him. Still standing, the dog realizes they are trying to kill him and heads for cover, dynamite and burning fuse still clamped between his teeth.

Well, the only available cover is the Grand Cherokee, which the dog reaches and hides under, much to the momentary relief of our two brain-doners. The Dynamite goes off, the dog dies, and the Grand Cherokee does a half-gainer with a back-flip before crashing thru the new large hole in the ice. The owner, who has yet to make a single payment on the Grand Cherokee, stands there with his mouth open and an "I can't believe this just happened" look on his face.

Later, the owner calls the insurance company, only to be informed that sinking a vehicle in a frozen lake through the use of illegal explosives is definitely not covered, and that he would have to continue making his payments to the bank.
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
-Scott Adams
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