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Old 07-14-03   #1
Kain424
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Less Than Kain

Monday.

Today I have decided to start up y own little journal. This will be my sixth attempt to create a journal for myself. Two of my others were online journals, so I am no stranger to doing this.

I just checked out my horoscope today. I do this everyday, here is what it says:

"The need to feel secure will make you act irrationally today. Pay attention to what you do and say when you are nervous, especially around important people. Assuming that things will work out well is the only way to avoid tension today."

I hate that BS sometimes. Here are a few things about me that you might find interesting:

I can be insanely obsessive over things others would call trivial. (Like organization, health, even cleaning)
I don't masturbate.
I haven't gotten off in months...not once this year.
I lead more than one life.
I am not a fan of porn for sexual use. (Wonder what I mean, don't you?)

I kind of think that I'm crazy but I know I'm not. Just because I have the ability to rationalize about this very subject, leads me to believe I am still sane. I don't really think that I'm going crazy, either.

I complain an awful lot. I suppose it's because I don't really like people. Especially those who percieve themselves as authority figures. I was happy when I finally left high school because of the shit I had to digest there. I couldn't do it. Learning was easy, it was the social shit that bothered me. I had my friends, but most of them dropped out.

Friends. I suppose that's really why I'm on here. I have friends, but I need to know that there are more people who feel like me out there. I am especially interested to see if there are any females out there like me. All my life I have wondered why men and women are so different. But people hav always assured me that there is someone out there for everyone. A "soul mate." The very idea is quite enticing. But thusfar I have found it to be very unrealistic.

Girlfriends. I've had too many. I lost my virginity at a young age and now regret it. There have been a lot of poor chices made on my part, many of which still haunt me. I haven't had a girlfriend all this year so far. It's actually been quite refreshing! But there are those nights when I wish that I just had someone to hold onto. Another warm body next to mine, another soul to hold dear, another person to speak to, another one to love, another reason to live.

Well, that's enough soul-bearing for now. I'm out of here.
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Old 07-19-03   #2
Kain424
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Saturday.

I hate all of the bitching and moaning on this forum.

"Oh, jeez, ya know, I'm just SOOOO depressed!"
"My life isn't worth living."
"I only live to post on this forum!"

Blah, blah, blah! I'm so sick of it. I suffer from chronic depression, but I'm NOT going to whine about it! You want to know how to fight it? Go get a good work out every day! Depression is a caused by a chemical imbalance. Now, there are a few ways to get those chemicals that cause "good feelings" to start moving freely around in you.

First, there is chocolate. There is a chemical in chocolate that creates feelings of ecstacy. This is the same chemical released by the body during sex, but is found less in chocolate as it is artificial (being not produced by your body).

The obvious downside to this is, of course, the fact that chocolate is not exactly health food. Get more fat than you probably already are, and you're likely to get more depressed than you probably already are.

Second, there is sex. As I said, this releases chemicals that produce an altogether wonderful feeling, leaving you in ecstacy. But, if you're fat, ugly, completely unnattractive by any means, act depressive and unwanted, then you won't get sex. Depression looks to be your master, now doesn't it?

Here there is a paradox. The best way, and quickest, to lose weight (not by dieting, don't EVER believe that shit) is to exercise. The best exercise is sex. Fat people cannot get sex. Sad, but for the most part (due to our sad, sad culture) true.

Third, just work out. It may take quite awhile, as exercising takes only a few pounds weekly. Combine this with a steady and healthy diet, and you've got your cure. Exercise brings out the same chemicals released during sex. This has been referred to as an "exercise high." Similar to orgasm (I will personally attest to this) it is a wonder that some athletes ever leave the gym.

Combining this with a steady diet, like I said, and you can probably lose about 5 or 6 pounds a week. That is 60 to 72 pounds a year! THAT'S A LOT OF WEIGHT! And that's not even the best part! It IS possible to lose more than this! And exercising stimulates the brain, as there is more blood flowing! You will be able to think more clearly, last longer in bed, and best of all, BE THIN! BE HEALTHY!

SO shut up, people. If you're not willing to do anything about it, stop whining about it.

In closing, here is a stupid poem I wrote to those whiners out there:

FAKE MISERY

Your depression
Makes me want to scream
It's incessant
Like a hammering
Ignition
Put in the key and turn
Recognition
When will you ever learn?

Sometimes, I need to know
Is life as bad as it should seem?
I know that it's not
In your own trap you're caught
In this life that you bought
All the damage you've wrought
It's all you fault
So shut your mouth

When I talk
At least I'm questioning
Your words
And selfish pestering
Impaired
And consequentially
You want
No responsibility

These days, it's all I have to go
Somewhere, Away stomping soles
Your words, cause my brain to itch
Absurd, everytime you bitch
Drain me, from feeling anything
When I see, your fake misery
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Old 07-20-03   #3
Kain424
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Sunday.

I hate how people are about movies these days. ESPECIALLY horror movies. Not only does Hollywood think that they can just "pump them out," but people are absolutely brainless when it comes to deciding what they want to watch anyways.

When I worked in a video store, I would get asked all the damn time about what horror movie was scary. I always told them the same thing:

"It depends on what scares you."

Really. Is it ghosts, killers, psychopaths, innocent evenings shattered by horrifying events, the threat of human extinction, or general phobias? There is a HUGE list of
movies to chose from.

To split these up and make it easier for the uninformed to find and view what ever they might find enjoyable (or scary or whatever), I have categorized the films into a few simple categories. Here they are:

A CHILLING film likes to present to you a horrible concept and truly scare you with images that cannot be real. These often include those of evil supernatural events taking place in a setting of usual normalcy.

A DISTURBING film likes to present you with a terrifying version of reality, presenting disturbing images into your mind. These often include those of innocents being tortured and/or murdered in hideous ways.

A THRILLER film can contain nearly any plotline and take place about anywhere. The sole purpose of these films is to make you "jump" as a result of a sudden flash of an image or sound. The point is to "thrill" you, thus my categorizing such films as THRILLER.

There are also CLASSIC horror movies. These include the oldies like Dracula, Frankenstein, etc.

Here are examples for each:

CHILLING-- The Exorcist, The Ring, Poltergeist.

DISTURBING-- Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Hills Have Eyes, Wrong Turn, House of 1000 Corpses.

THRILLER-- Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Resident Evil.

CLASSIC-- Dracula, Frankenstein, The Creature From the Black Lagoon.

If there are any questions, feel free to ask. I will place any film you may mention to me (having of course that I have seen it) in one of the previous categories.
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Old 07-23-03   #4
Harry Hard-On
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Wednesday,

I woke happy today, knowing I hadden't died in my sleep. *Whew!* What a relief.

I went to the bathroom and took a shit. MAN WAS THAT GREAT! Not messy or anything! Only two wipes!

I then took a shower, I was careful to wash my ENTIRE body if you know what I mean *Wink*

After mastur...I mean showering, I went upstairs to grab a bite to eat. I made a snawich and took that bite.

Next I called my friend...lets call him Grumpy. The phone call must of woke him cause he was EXTRA grumpy today!
*what?*
Hey man, what's up!
*nothing.*
Where you sleeping?
*yeah.*
I figured, took you 34 rings to get the phone.
*umm, I'm so sick of people calling my house when I'm trying to sleep.*
Yeah some people are dumb and like to hang out with mean people.
*click*
Grumpy? Grumpy, you there?
His phone must have died.
So I went over to Grumpy's house anyways and....hey...Hey..this isn't my Journal....Ohhh shit.....
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Old 07-26-03   #5
Kain424
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Saturday.

Happy Harry Hard-On. What can I say? He's funny. His comic wit always helps ease my mind during the day. He's a good guy.

Hmm. Not much to talk about except girls. Isn't it funny how girls think that they're in love with you? I'd laugh about it if it weren't actually so sad. A girl sent me lyrics to a song tonight, with the lyrics saying stuff about how they love me and all that. I didn't know it was a song and thought she wrote me a poem, so I wrote one write back via e-mail. Here it is:


Love is a dangerous thing.
Never mistake it for lust.
The pressure to do so is intense
Keeping a clear mind is a must

Never shy away from what you fear
It will only hinder you
And take from you what you hold dear

Look before you leap
Of your path: always be certain
Be careful not to trip
Lust masked as love can be a burden

************
And with that, I end this post.
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Old 07-28-03   #6
Harry Hard-On
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Hey, today I beat my record of consecutive days I have stayed alive.
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Old 08-02-03   #7
Kain424
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Saturday.

Isn't Harry funny? At least I can always look forward to his jokes to cheer me up.

*SIGH*

I hate emotions. Today (well, actually Friday) was one of those days. I hate complaining about depression and all that shit so I'll make this quick.

I went and saw American Wedding. It was funny but when I left the theater, I saw my old flame. Love of my life. I've been trying to forget about her for a long damn time. Seeing her (combined with the fact that she was with some anonymous guy) really got to me. WHY CAN'T MY MIND JUST DROP IT?

I wrote a poem about it...maybe that will help.

UNIDENTIFIED DEPRESSING OBJECT

I saw you today at the movie theater
I didn't say "Hi"
Instead I stood there in my wife-beater

I don't know who that was you were holding on to
I don't even care
I just felt that familiar urge to speak to you

I stuffed it down where it hurt
I tried to walk away and feign ignorance
I stumbled and moved on
I turned back to see you

Did you see me?
Did you recognize me?
Did you remember all those times?

I hope that I remained unidentified
I've moved on
I hope that you didn't even stop to think about me
It's too depressing

I was just an object anyhow
I have nothing to offer these days
I remember when you cried
I remember when something inside me died

It cannot and should never be revived
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Old 05-02-05   #8
Kain424
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Monday.

Going back almost two years, into the sad thoughts of a lonely 19 year-old, is a strange thing. It's even stranger if those thoughts are mine.

Looking back on this, I can see all of those times that my moods and ideas changed and fluxuated. Just yesterday (Sunday) I was depressed beyond much of anything. I felt like I had failed in every endeavor in life and thought of suicide.

Now that I come back and read my old journal (which I have decided to start up again), I have decided to go outside. Maybe I'll go to the gym a bit later.

I took several internet tests yesterday, and Borderline Personality Disorder popped up quite a bit. I think that's fucked up, but they might be right. I was once diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder... that would explain the fluxtuation of my mood over time. Whatever.

I will use this journal to write out my thoughts... I will use Social Distance to write out events. This might be fun... or not.

This is finals week... I'm going to fail miserably. That might sound pessimistic, but I'm just accepting my inevitable failure. See, it's part of my borderline personality to create failure where there was possiblity of success. I don't understand it either, but it's something that I do.

In my previous posts I made mention of a sort of "search" for love. I still haven't found it. No "soul mate", no anything.

On an interesting side-note, my psychiatrist was murdered by her own crazy son. I wonder if I was ever being "helped" at all.
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Old 05-03-05   #9
Kain424
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Tuesday.

Here is my horoscope for today:

"Partnership surprises will keep you excited, or at least busy. If you have a project to complete, get away from communication devices and concentrate. More than one friend will attempt to preoccupy your evening."

That's interesting because I have been writing a script. I guess maybe I should get to it then. Of course, the horoscope fails to mention what the consequences will be if I hang out with my friends instead of work on my "project", but these things are always too vague.

My script is for a drama... I'm stuck at the moment but maybe something will come to me. I don't even know if I should be working on this right now. I'm going to the gym again later today and I haven't even begun studying for my first final tomorrow. I don't know what I'm doing.
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Old 05-06-05   #10
Kain424
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Friday.

Today is my last final. FINALLY! (pun fuckin' intended). It's funny that I may have passed the last wo, but I bet I'm failing in those classes (due to my less than stellar attendance). I don't know what's wrong with me anymore.

I'm going to Virgina Beach for Memorial Day weekend to hang out with my two brothers who are both in the military. So I've been going to the gym even more now. I won't drink anything, save for water, and I feel sore constantly (due to my frequent work-outs).

...I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. Everything feels like it's nearing the end and I don't know why. I'm not really depressed, I just don't see how... anything can go on much longer. I don't see how anything will last.

...I'd better get some sleep. I've got that test today.
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Old 05-06-05   #11
crimsonnyte
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I have a final today too.

I live on the other side of the state from VA Beach.

Hi.

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Old 05-06-05   #12
Kain424
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Cool. What's it like over there? Do you think I'd like it?

Also, how'd your final go?
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Old 05-08-05   #13
Kain424
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Sunday.

Well, I'm bored. I got a bit of sun today... before some angry clouds came and ruined my bliss. Oh well.

I went and helped move some furniture for my brother-in-law (actually, he and my sister broke up... does that make him my EX-brother-in-law?) and then I went shopping for some groceries.

Looks like I'm going to be working for my mother for the next few days. I once told myself I wouldn't work for her again but I am now jobless and she pays well. So fuck it, I need the ca$h.

I can't wait to go to Virginia Beach. It'll be new experience for me (going to the East Coast) and I'll get to hang out with my brothers. That's something I haven't done in years.

I'm still not sure about what I'm going to do with my life. I am so confused about it that I find it much easier to not think about it at all. Such is life, I guess.
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Old 05-10-05   #14
Kain424
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Tuesday.

I've been seeing less and less movies every year since 2002 I think. Does this mean that I'm losing an interest? Does it mean I need a life, or that I am gaining one?

I've only seen 26 movies in the theater so far this year. I was looking through my ticket stubs and I was suddenly struck with a strange sadness.

Was I remembering all of the good times? Was I regretting not having good times?

I don't know.

I hurt my back today. I could hardly move forever it seemed. It felt like someone was stabbing me. It's the worst pain I've felt in a long time.

I've been at the computer all day, unable to really move... and now my wrist hursts terribly. I've been typing too much.

I don't know what I'll be doing tomorrow (today). I'd like to go and earn some money, but I'd also like to go and shoot some guns. I hate making decisions. Bleh.

In good news, everyday I am closer to Virginia Beach. I want to feel the sun on me. I want to put my soes in the sand and smell the ocean breeze. Ha! With my luck something's going to get in my way.

...It'll probably rain when I'm down there.
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Old 05-10-05   #15
crimsonnyte
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only 26...I think I have seen maybe 4 at most.

and Virginia Beach sucks.
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Old 05-13-05   #16
Kain424
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crimsonnyte
only 26...I think I have seen maybe 4 at most.

and Virginia Beach sucks.
Well, I usually see more movies. Why does Virginia Beach suck? Damn it! I want to have a good time.
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Old 05-13-05   #17
Kain424
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Friday the 13th. Hehe, really.

I went to a friend's bachelor party last night. One of my other friends was so drunk... hahaha... it was funny.

Anyhow, I am writing today because of my disdain for internet dating services. I really fucking hate them. You go there (well, I do) looking to see if there's anyone in your area. I think it's funny, plus there aren't too many people in my area. Anyhow, I go on and see people there in my area. Well, I at least want to talk to them but I have to get an account (which is ALWAYS advertised as "FREE"). I go through all of that shit and make up a profile but when I try and talk to them I find out that I have to be a "platinum member" or a "full-time member" or some shit like that.

Well that's all gold and silver, but you have to PAY to get those. I'm not going to dish out my fun-funds just to chat with someone who probably has less a life than me so I don't. Instead, I have been trying to cleverly hide my e-mail address or something in my descriptions and stuff. Unfortunately, these sites have thought of that and my efforts have thus far been in vain. That's ok, though, because I am going to keep trying because I'm bored. ...And it's funny.

I like to imagine some fucking geeks checking out every damn thing people input for e-mail addresses and phone numbers. HAHAHA! Those fuckers. They make my life hard, so I'll give them something to do.

I'm on my fifth attempt right now and I have one of my e-mail addresses running down the side of my intro. Let's see in they notice.
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Old 06-02-05   #18
Kain424
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Thursday.

Well, it's been a long run. I've been on this site for over two years and finally people are asking for pictures again. I remember back when I started and I posted a couple up... it seems like years ago. Oh wait, it was years ago.

Of course, that was back in the ASS thread and a thread featuring the members and stuff. Hell, I once had a small, blurry picture of myself as my avatar. But now they want pictures of me and Harry.

I wonder for whom they want pictures more? Me or Harry? My credit (for the lack of on-hand cash) is on Harry. But that does not hurt me. His character on this board is so outgoing that such a thing is well within the odds. Strangely, I sometimes feel like the outsider still.

Anyway, the trip to Virginia Beach was interesting. I was pretty hammered much of the time, so I can't complain too much. Although I found much of the populace to be ignorant ass-holes. But whatever. Such is life, as Napoleon was fond of saying.

Such is life.
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Old 06-25-05   #19
Kain424
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Saturday.

I went camping a couple of days ago and I can't help but think that things went a bit awry. There was animosity there already, one of my friends hardly left his tent the entire time, and we had to pack up from one spot and head to another, some 40 miles away (at least).

Then there was the fact that I have now been accused of "hitting on" my friend's girlfriend there. What the fuck? I am seriously ready to snap and fuck someone up.

Elsewhere, and yet everywhere, I am working a lot now. I hardly have time to do anything anymore and all I think about are painful thoughts and memories. I get angry a lot now and depressed. Today, in about eight hours, I go and talk to a guy about getting another job. This may or may not be a good idea. It's financially sound, but I won't have a life...

Not like I've really got one now, but I would have less of one were I to do this. I will have no time to spend the money I make (perhaps a good thing), no time to spend with my friends (I barely have time now), and no time to do any of the things I like to do otherwise (like read, write, work on short films, and watch movies).

But maybe working will keep my mind off of the hurtful things I always think about. Maybe this will keep me out of trouble.
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Old 06-25-05   #20
Uncletiggs
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in referance to post #3.. where would you put 'aracnaphobia' ?? As i felt that one one of the few decent horror flicks, and a 'thriller' to me, in the last 15 or so years..

As for your last post....
It's been how long since you got laid??? Maybe it just looked like you were hitting on her and you can't see it... Horemones are a dangerous thing...
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Those things that produced your ex......you know, the bitchmakers! Metagion

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