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Old 12-25-02   #21
acydburn45
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thats sum funny fukin shit
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Old 12-27-02   #22
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Quote:
Originally posted by Shattered Dream
You people sadden me.
And this saddens you why, exactly?

Personally, I'm glad to see this resurfaced. I find it highly amusing, in a sickening "This is so true it hurts" sort of way...
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I feel this way on DF...a lot.
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Old 07-09-03   #23
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After the posts i've been reading today, i think this needs a reunion tour... (a bit easier to read here

Christian Logic: Kiss Hank's Ass

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to
kiss his ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million
dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole
thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on From the desk of Karl
letterhead. There were eleven items listed:
1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't drink.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of reen cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is
always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary blushes. John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la la, la
la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
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Old 07-10-03   #24
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One thing I find irritating is the way non-Christians often view Christians. If, in a supposedly intellectual forum such as this, a Christian shows respect for other's beliefs and turns aside insults, keeping themselves tightly controlled, they're still mocked, called ignorant, stupid, opressive, anything that can be stretched to fit with any turn of the imagination. But, if they dare to insult others to the same way that the Atheists or Agnostics on this board insult others, they're instantly buried under a firestorm of insults. Not that the Christian posters in these forums are saints or often even logical, but I think the inconsistency needs pointing out. Even those that don't insult most of the Christians here, but get indignant when any Christian actually insults someone back, are guilty of hypocrisy and a false tolerance. In truth, that's no more tolerant than getting along with Suburbanite African Americans who're raised to be polite, but then screeching about uppity niggers going back to Africa the second a black guy blasting rap music at way too loud a volume cuts you off in traffic. Tolerance isn't about being nice and open-minded only so long as everyone's still nice and calm and listening to chamber music, it's about staying open minded when you're being pushed to the edge of your patience.
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Old 07-10-03   #25
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dark Messiah
One thing I find irritating is the way non-Christians often view Christians. If, in a supposedly intellectual forum such as this, a Christian shows respect for other's beliefs and turns aside insults, keeping themselves tightly controlled, they're still mocked, called ignorant, stupid, opressive, anything that can be stretched to fit with any turn of the imagination. But, if they dare to insult others to the same way that the Atheists or Agnostics on this board insult others, they're instantly buried under a firestorm of insults. Not that the Christian posters in these forums are saints or often even logical, but I think the inconsistency needs pointing out. Even those that don't insult most of the Christians here, but get indignant when any Christian actually insults someone back, are guilty of hypocrisy and a false tolerance. In truth, that's no more tolerant than getting along with Suburbanite African Americans who're raised to be polite, but then screeching about uppity niggers going back to Africa the second a black guy blasting rap music at way too loud a volume cuts you off in traffic. Tolerance isn't about being nice and open-minded only so long as everyone's still nice and calm and listening to chamber music, it's about staying open minded when you're being pushed to the edge of your patience.
I agree completely... show respect you get it, don't, you don't.

Debate is what it's all about, and for a decent one, both sides of the coin should be adequately represented. If one of those sides steps forth and initiates insults and judgments, the other side has the same right to step up and defend themselves within the restraints of the beliefs they are professing.

Now, if you are saying that I was out of line making comment that this person representing christianity to me has just insulted and attempted to degrade me, then I do not agree with that premise. I have never insulted 'The Light.' I merely stated that it does not seem he even follows the faith he preaches and claims is the right way.

My guess is the ideals and tenets of christianity are not being adequately represented in this case.
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Old 07-10-03   #26
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dark Messiah
One thing I find irritating is the way non-Christians often view Christians. If, in a supposedly intellectual forum such as this, a Christian shows respect for other's beliefs and turns aside insults, keeping themselves tightly controlled, they're still mocked, called ignorant, stupid, opressive, anything that can be stretched to fit with any turn of the imagination. But, if they dare to insult others to the same way that the Atheists or Agnostics on this board insult others, they're instantly buried under a firestorm of insults. Not that the Christian posters in these forums are saints or often even logical, but I think the inconsistency needs pointing out. Even those that don't insult most of the Christians here, but get indignant when any Christian actually insults someone back, are guilty of hypocrisy and a false tolerance. In truth, that's no more tolerant than getting along with Suburbanite African Americans who're raised to be polite, but then screeching about uppity niggers going back to Africa the second a black guy blasting rap music at way too loud a volume cuts you off in traffic. Tolerance isn't about being nice and open-minded only so long as everyone's still nice and calm and listening to chamber music, it's about staying open minded when you're being pushed to the edge of your patience.
I agree with you, and I always saw it that way. Its damn if your do, and damn if you don't, by a bunch of close minded individuals that hate, close mindedness.
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Old 07-10-03   #27
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Quote:
Originally posted by TheLight
Hey I know this guy Hank, he wants you to kiss his ass, and for you to stop being a jizz catcher.
If not, well then I am going to kick your ass.
And cut back on the booze, miss AA, because Hank don't like stinky alchy breath on his ass.
And after you kiss hanks ass, go and get others to kiss his ass, and if they don't listen then kick there ass.
And after your nose is nice and stinky brown, then we will kill you , so you can get your million dollars and go catch the comet hail booty bop.

Now run along.
You know...Christian, not Christian, it doesn't really matter. You're not terribly funny, and you're not terribly smart either.

How many times have the mods suggested that you lay off with the derrogatory comments? Yet I'm still seeing crap like this cluttering up threads.

Tell ya what, if you and Fuckdoll would like to continue bantering back and forth, I'll splice the petty insult portion into a seperate thread on the Bitch board. In fact, since this thread is meant to be humorous, I'll even send it over to the Humor board so you won't have to deal with it any longer, since its a jibe at a religion and not an actual discussion.
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Old 07-10-03   #28
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Quote:
Originally posted by TheLight
Where have I preached about not busting someones balls?
I asked, What happened to practicing what you preach? you preach christianity as being the one true way. Are you saying that the ideals of christianity allow you to 'bust someones balls' (quite eleoquent by the way) because you don't agree with what they have to say?
Quote:
Originally posted by TheLight
Where have you smacked me in the face??
well now... this is interesting. I was assuming that you did not care much for the story, and were therefore resorting to insulting my character. Perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps part of your faith is that you just randomly insult people you don't much care for, or who don't see the world as you do.
Quote:
Originally posted by TheLight
What sentence have I handed down to you?
sentence, no... judgement, yes. I asked, What happened to 'judge not, that ye be not judged'? don't remember the nice little jugement you threw my way(without prevocation I might add):"I am so smart I named myself after a slut, a tramp, a piece of plastic blow up doll for jizz."
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Old 07-10-03   #29
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he moved the other half of this thread to the bitch board in the general board.

he created a thread called 'The Light vs. >FuckDoll<'.

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Old 07-11-03   #30
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I actually wasn't taking sides, just felt a need to say that after reading the thread. A subconscious impulse not directly connected to the argument at hand.
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Old 07-11-03   #31
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i get it, and it makes complete sense doll...
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