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Old 02-19-08   #1
heartsicle
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Suggestions?

So, I've only had one friend that's a girl for years and years. I just don't get along with other women, apparently. Her name is Kristal and we've been friends since childhood.

Kristal and I had a falling out awhile back, and actually didn't talk for several months. It was a lot of little things adding up, plus lots of stress in both our lives... I guess we needed a break.
My fiance was kindof upset about this, because Kristal's husband is one of his best friends. They also have known each other since childhood, and went to school together. It was uncomfortable for us to get together as couples like we used to, because Kristal and I weren't getting along.

During this time, Kristal and I would see each other casually, like at mutual friends' parties and such. We weren't rude or anything, just avoiding each other but being polite when we had to. One of these parties was New Year's - we all met at the same bar. While we were all celebrating, something happened.

Kristal's husband started talking to me, and basically propositioned me. He said that his wife and my fiance need never know. Well, I was really drunk and I didn't say no, but I didn't say yes. We talked about it a bit and he started telling me about all the other times he's done it and she doesn't know.

Well, when I woke the next morning, sober, I felt terrible about how I'd reacted. I was ashamed - I should've been angry, I should've slapped him, I should've made very clear that it wasn't gonna happen. Anyway, I immediately told my fiance what was said, and how bad I felt.

So now Kristal and I have made up, and we are friends again. It is so nice to have a female to chat with, and we've been talking almost every day. She keeps inviting us over, trying to plan a get-together somehow, but I keep saying no. I keep making excuses. My fiance won't hear of it. He's seriously pissed, feels betrayed, etc. He refuses to even be in the same room with this guy, and I guess I can't blame him.

I don't know what to tell Kristal. If I keep refusing invitations without reason, she'll surely be hurt. Besides, how can we keep any kind of friendship going if we can never see each other? She only lives 15 miles away, and I'm running out of excuses.

Should I have kept my mouth shut and just let it go? What if the poor guy was just drunk and talking shit?
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Old 02-19-08   #2
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heartsicle, tough story....

as kristal is your best friend you know her husband well already and how she thinks about him, do you really think what he told you is true or maybe just a joke?

i guess i would tell her what her husband told you... but only if the situation for telling it FEELS right... like you could start to talk about him and if she think that he have affairs with others and so on and then you could mention it and HOW YOU FEEL about what happened...
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Old 02-19-08   #3
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Get her alone and tell her what happened.. Including your BF's new dislike for his old best friend.. do it in person, not over phones or email/texting..
Explain how you feel, how he feels, and see how she feels! Hell, she might actually know about it..
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Old 02-19-08   #4
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Agree with grampa, but be ready to possibly lose a friend over it, because she might refuse to believe you and then throw in some horrible things about you... it's always a hard situation
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Old 02-19-08   #5
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I have to agree. She needs to be told face to face and soon. Explain why and expect her to be upset and hurt.
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Old 02-19-08   #6
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First of all, you don't know for sure if he's been fooling around. Don't risk your friendship with Kristal over drunken bragging on her husband's part.

Propositioning you was way uncool, BUT nothing happened. It made you uncomfortable, but it may or may not have been all talk on his part.

I would speak with her husband, though. I would tell him all the things that you wish you would have said to him that night.

Then tell him he needs to come clean with his wife about what he said to you. Tell him if he doesn't, that you will tell her. The man owes you and your finance an apology.

All the other stuff he said, about being with other women, don't get involved in that. Draw the line there. You have no proof that's true.

That's my advice.
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Old 02-19-08   #7
heartsicle
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well, i appreciate all these ideas... i know that the "right" thing to do is to tell her. i know that, if someone had asked me, that's the advice i would've given. here's the thing:

i know this girl pretty well, and her husband also. i can tell you the 99.99% certainty that he was serious, and also that she has no idea.

he was that way before they married, (so i heard after this episode)... one night stands almost nightly, cheating on girlfriends, and the like. my fiance said that when they went out, when all were single, this guy got all the ass... ya know... a charmer. and he is still that way. his father was even that way. cheaters.

he's got the innocent thing down pat, though. seriously, i thought he was the good one (out of the men in his family). he works hard, comes home on time, doesn't even have his own cellphone, rarely goes out with the boys, and lets his wife and daughter walk all over him, you know the type?

she'll never believe me.

the thing is, even if i tell her... that doesn't heal the friendship. it still happened, and my fiance is still mad. i don't think an apology will help, even if he were to get one.

at best, i see Kristal's husband saying that he doesn't remember it because he was drunk, or saying he was kidding. then my fiance and i will look like retards for making a big deal, and everyone will still be angry underneath.
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Old 02-19-08   #8
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Under the circumstances, Swampwitch does have a valid point. You can give him the option to tell her about it first. you don't have any proof against him other then your word vs. his.

Problem is, does your other half know if he was cheating on her before they got married? Cause that does count as proof.

But if you don't tell her, that is stress and dishonesty to yourself that could ruin the friendship. Everytime you 4 are together, you'll think on what happened and eventually, you'll end up looking for reasons to not see them.
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Old 02-19-08   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Axantha View Post
...Swampwitch does have a valid point....
Thank you for not saying, "I'm going to have to agree with SwampWitch." That drives me crazy.

Last edited by SwampWitch; 02-19-08 at 23:53.
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Old 02-19-08   #10
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Does your fiance know what her man said to you? That might make him change his attitude about forcing you all to hang out together.

Second, How much do you care about these relationships? Are you just maintaining them for the sake of all the time you've invested? If your friend finds out what happened from someone other than you, she's going to be pissed at you for not telling her first. Your decision really depends on how much you give a fuck about these people.

If I was the other woman, I'd not only want to hear it from you, I would expect it. Especially if your her only female pal.

On the other hand, if you don't want to get dragged into their drama, just lop them out of your life like some gangrenous limb.
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Old 02-19-08   #11
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Oh, or if you don't want to get your hands dirty, tell one of her other friends and surely the gossip will spread like wildfire! You know how women are when it comes to other peoples sex lives...
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Old 02-19-08   #12
heartsicle
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honestly? it doesn't bother me. the only part that bothers me is that my fiance is mad, and that makes things awkward.

it's not that i blame him... it's just... i dunno. i'm perfectly willing to forget the whole thing.

see, i asked the fiance not to mention this to his friend, the husband. but he did anyway. i don't know what the guy said to defend himself. my fiance says that mr. husband just pretended not to hear him. i dunno. it was over the phone, and i wasn't present.
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Old 02-19-08   #13
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He has grounds to be upset. I don't blame him at all. His "friend" should have known you were off limits. You don't hit on your friend's significant other. That is a line you don't step over unless you know that the other couple are swingers.
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Old 02-20-08   #14
heartsicle
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yes, that's why i don't have too many female friends. well, it's one reason.

i know, i know, i KNOW everyone says 'tell her'... but i really don't think it will change a single thing. everyone will still be angry. telling Kristal won't make my fiance less angry, but it will make her angry - either at me, or at her husband. most likely ME.

i wish i had never told the fiance, then we could've all pretended it never happened.
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Old 02-20-08   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heartsicle View Post

i wish i had never told the fiance, then we could've all pretended it never happened.
And then it would sit inside and fester. Such things need to be brought out into the sunlight to be cleansed. That way, the pain is only for a short while then done and gone.
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