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Old 07-15-02   #45
Demon's Eclipse
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Location: Oregon and North Carolina
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sexual attraction lost

I know I've done wrong in my life, but this is completely eatin me up inside. There's always one person in your life that drives you wild. No matter how far you are from them they just get to you. You fantasize over them and what it'd be like to have them, just once. Yet something always stands in the way. There's times when you are with someone and they just know how to hit every spot, but then there's others that you love with all your god damn heart but just can't do it for you. At night I go to sleep crying...thinking to myself, why can't he do it right for me? Why don't I have the guts to ask, so there I lay as he's sleeping like a fucking rock and I'm rolling over my feelings, saying to myself, be happy you pleased him, that's all you need.....to survive. Why can't you admit to yourself that you need to change, be more vunerable to men, let go of your anger towards them. I'm a tramp and I know it....deep down inside I know it. No matter who I'm with I'll always be one. I've cheated, I've done wrong, but how could I ever look at him straight in the face and say, "i've done it....again." You'd think the best sexual relations would come from the ones with experience, but the one who never did, was the best in my life. Now facing another problem. Nothing makes sense. How do I tell him? How do I show him? Even so far apart, something seems to always stand in the way. I love him, is that all I need? Just to know I please him, is that good enough? Or should I ask for more? All along, I've done it all for them. Not myself. What do I want? Above and beyond sexual attraction, I want a soul mate. I want a lover who cares about how I react to things, I want someone who can please me as much as I please them. Do things like that even exsist? Phone calls don't work, though they seem to for him, I try my hardest to hold back the tears but tonight they broke loose. He didn't notice....does he even love me? Does he even care? Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder if I can even see anything I like about myself, I hate myself....I hate the slut I am. I hate what I see with my eyes....I hate me. I hate who I was, I hate who I am...If he loves me as he says he does, why can I love myself as I am?
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