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Old 06-19-07   #1
SpÄrTäCüS
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Oregon
Posts: 295
SpÄrTäCüS
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Rant I'm Laying It All Out On The Table

I am an antisocial being craving attention. I contradict myself all the time. I bottle my feelings inside me until I cause great pain on others and myself. I push people away when I need them the most. I lie and say I'm fine when really I feel helpless.

I am a coward but I am strong willed.

I'm often times unapproachable. Stemming back from past traumas that I refuse to deal with.

I am socially inept. When I am being cheerful and peppy to you - the majority of the time I am faking it. Very few people can make me feel completely happy. My family being most of them - thank God.

When I feel myself begin to cry, my body automatically shuts off all emotion to make it stop.

I often times am awake when I should be sleeping and sleeping when I should be awake - because of the depressing feelings I have when I am surrounded by people. I don't completely understand this. Perhaps it is because when I am around other people I can see how screwed up I really am.

But alone with myself... I'm just me.

Bottling all frustration, hurt, angst, guilt and pain hurts me emotionally, mentally and physically.

Mentally I am self-centered/selfish. I am constantly thinking about how crappy I'm feeling when I know I have an awesome life in reality.

Emotionally I am cut off to the people around me who are wanting to get to know me or are wanting to hang out with.

Physically I punch walls to the point of drawing blood and I have cut my skin with knives. Never with the intention of killing myself, mind you. I am not suicidal. I have coping issues - obviously. I believe that I cause myself physical pain to deal with the emotional pain I apparently cannot express.

I often blame myself for why I feel the way I do. Though contradicting this, I blame others when I don't want to deal with a problem.

I try to listen to those that say, "Just trust God! He's always there for you!" Yes, I know he is. He's helped me through quite a few trials. I honestly don't know what I'd be like with all these problems if he WEREN’T in my life. I know that I'd be even more messed up though.

I stare off into silence sometimes because I'd rather be alone in my own world than around people. I am in introvert. I hate large crowds and hate being asked, "Are you okay?" even more.

I enjoy compliments and praise but feel awkward when being given them. I am extremely vain.

I want to join in the group and have fun but often time will never initiate things or even reject an invitation when I was actually waiting for one.

I'm stubborn. I often times ignore what it best for myself and set myself up for disappointment. I have a low self-esteem and kick myself when I'm down.
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"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent... I guess I'm incompetent."


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