Thread: Random jokes.
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Old 07-16-03   #10
TheObserver
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The Darwin Awards are given (posthumously) to those who do the human race the greatest favor by removing themselves from the gene-pool in the most dramatic or bizarre fashion possible.

Rocket Powered Impala,

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the desert floor, some distance beyond the apex of a long, gentle curve in the highway. The wreckage resembled that of an airplane crash, but was obviously an automobile of unidentifiable make and model.

A state lab managed to figure out the story. The wreckage was that of a Chevrolet Impala and it seems the driver had somehow obtained a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit. A JATO unit is actually a solid fuel rocket which is attached to the sides of large military transport aircraft to give them an extra "push" during take-off from short airfields, or when heavily loaded (they're about five-feet long and three inches in diameter, and was probably abtained from the Air Force "boneyard" outside Tuscon).

The presumed owner of the Impala drove out to the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He then attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up a little speed, and ignited the rocket. The Arizona Highway Patrol calculates that he fired the rocket about three miles from the point of impact - as evidenced by an area of scorched and melted asphalt.

Reaching maximum thrust within 5-seconds and remaining at full power for 20-25 seconds, the Chevy Impala is estimated to have reached speeds well in excess of 350 mph. The driver, soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-15 pilots using full afterburners - essentially rendering him insignificant for the remainder of the event.

The Impala remained on the highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver attempted to apply the brakes, completely melting them, blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber and gouge marks on the road surface. It is at this point in the ride that the vehicle is thought to have rotated for take-off and become airborne.

The Impala remained airborne for for an additional 1.4 miles, impacting the cliff-face at a height of 125-feet, leaving a three-foot deep black crater in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone and teeth were extracted from the crater and fingernail shards were found embedded in a piece of debris believed to have been part of the steering wheel. It just proves once again - speed doesn't kill, stopping does….



Two Men, a dog, and a Grand Cherokee,

It seems that some brain-surgeon from Michgan had just purchased a $30,000 Jeep Grand Cherokee and decided he just couldn't wait to do a little male-bonding in the great outdoors. He called his best friend and suggested they go duck hunting (though it was winter and all the lakes were frozen).

They load the Cherokee with guns, beer, assorted camping equipment and one Black Lab trained to fetch dead ducks. After arriving at their destination and driving out on to the frozen lake, they decide that they need to make a natural landing area for the ducks and their decoys. Deciding that the ice is too thick to tackle with a drill or auger, our two rocket scientist decide to blow a hole through the ice with a stick of dynamite (apparantly an essential piece of ordinance for Michigan duck hunters).

Taking into consideration that they need to place the dynamite far enough away to avoid injury, they give it a forty-second fuse, walk about 100 yards out from where the Cherokee is parked, light it, give the dynamite a hail-mary toss, and start running for the Jeep. Fido, thinking it is time to do his thing, takes off at high-rate of doggie speed and reaches the dynamite about the same time it hits the ice. He picks it up with a grin, tail waging furiously.

Seeing this, our two refugees from the shallow-end of the gene pool begin to yell and scream at the dog, jumping up and down and waving their hands as if the mutt will interpret this as anything other than, "come here". Fido starts trotting happily towards his master. Master and friend start running for the woods at the edge of the lake, but this just prompts Fido to run, too.

As the pooch closes the distance, Mensa candidate No.2 remembers that he is carrying a shotgun - which he promptly fires at the pursuing mutt. Loaded with #8 duck shot, and still about 50 yards away, the blast is hardly enough to stop the big Black Lab. Stunned and confused, the dog stops momentarily and then continues on, requiring the shooter to unload barrel two on him. Still standing, the dog realizes they are trying to kill him and heads for cover, dynamite and burning fuse still clamped between his teeth.

Well, the only available cover is the Grand Cherokee, which the dog reaches and hides under, much to the momentary relief of our two brain-doners. The Dynamite goes off, the dog dies, and the Grand Cherokee does a half-gainer with a back-flip before crashing thru the new large hole in the ice. The owner, who has yet to make a single payment on the Grand Cherokee, stands there with his mouth open and an "I can't believe this just happened" look on his face.

Later, the owner calls the insurance company, only to be informed that sinking a vehicle in a frozen lake through the use of illegal explosives is definitely not covered, and that he would have to continue making his payments to the bank.
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