Thread: Random jokes.
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Old 07-16-03   #7
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In an attempt to reduce the number of drunk drivers, the local police decide to start staking out the local bars at closing time. Because they are short-handed they can only post one car at each bar, so the police chief instructs them to watch the people as they leave the bar go after whoever seems the most drunk. He gives each officer a portable breathalyzer and sends them on their way.

One cop ends up waiting until 2am before the bar he's watching closes. People head for their cars in various stages of unsteadyness, but one guy in particular is so wasted he's bouncing practically every car and object in the parking lot as he looks for his vehicle, falling flat on his face several times. Crawling the last fifteen feet the drunk manages to open the door and haul himself int his car. Just as the guy starts to pull out of the lot, the cop comes roaring up with the lights and siren blaring and orders the guy out fo his car.

The driver is ordered through a series of sobriety test - counting backwards, walking a straight-line, standing one foot, etc. - and passes them all with flying colors. In exasperation the cop orders him to breathe into the breathalyzer which reads a big goose-egg.

Infuriated, the cop asks, "What in the hell is going on! Getting to your car you could barely walk, now seem to be stone cold sober!"

The man grins and replies, "I'm the designated decoy!"


The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible.
- Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
- I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
- In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
- I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
- As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
- I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
- I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
- I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
- A n invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.


What Not To Say or Do When Pulled Over.
Not again!
Whatever it was I didn't do it.
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Sorry I was speeding, your wife said to hurry on over!
Make this fast, I've got to get the beer back to the party before it gets warm.
Darn, I thought that I was heading AWAY from Dunkin doughnuts.
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a trooper, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Got change for a hundred?
Bad cop! No donut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, is that a 9 mm? How's that compare to this one here?
Say Hi to your wife and my kids!
Man, I have no idea how fast I was goin'!
What exactly is "legally drunk"?
So, what's a good bribe go for around here?
I hope you realize you're about to ruin a perfect record.
Okay, so I was speeding and I let you catch me - how about best of three?
If I were you I'd let me go!
Met your quota? Happy now?
You should give the ticket to my damn unreliable cruise control.
Spe eding is an abstract concept, don't you think?
If I had known you were there I would never have been going that fast!
How fast was I going? I don't know because the speedo doesn't go that high.
Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
Pretend you are gay and ask him out. When he says no, cry.
If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
Clean your ear with the pen.
Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say "I thought the name sounded familiar..."
Mumble to yourself.
Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
Tell him you like men in uniform.
Course I'm pissed officer, d'you think I'd drive like this if I was sober.
Is that a baton in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me.
You can't do that, this isn't my car!
Hey! That's my beer!
60 mph in a 30mph area? Could you put down 70 - I'm trying to sell the car.
Yes, officer I saw your flashing lights, but you didn't seem to be catching me, so I assumed you were after someone else.
When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder.
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
-Scott Adams
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