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Old 12-31-03   #7
a little clos'r to home
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: a couch or a van, depends on level of alchohol in body
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shit, wasnt done with that post.

anyway, im just sitting here at my computer for the 4th day in a row. listening ot alice in chains's album jar of flies. im stuck on nutshell and dont follow. talk about being depressed. all i hear day and night is the guitar parts of the awesome jerry cantrell. i hear him and that heroin head singing thier fucked upnlyrics in that alice and chains fashion inot the mic with the lovely harmonica behind them. leading me into another band of tears. i dont know what i have done more over the past 4 days. cried or blead. i guess its a tossup. i keep opening old wounds, both in my heart and on my physical body.
make me happy!! i used to cry tat, now i just dont care. im starting to think i am going home to die. i realy dont want to curse anyone with this, this, this hellish thing known as me. my life and failures. constantly i remind myself. i know i fucked up! i know it! stop remindingme.......i try to tmake things beter for me, but it never works in the end. cant i just cry myself to sleep all the time? i already do...(chuckle) i think i am wigging out man. all i see are spots and my head is spinning. i feel like im floating on a cloud. i hope i didnt take ot many plls, who am i kidding, yes i do. i hope i took enough to end this pittifull exscuse for a manhood. this childhood ruined by eveything that cold hae ruined it.

my life has been nothing but attempts and failures.
so why do i even try, for the hope that one day my attempt's will matter?
fuck it, it hasnt yet, so why try?

my mom is bitching: you have been on that computer for hours. your allways on that computer fran, why dont you go outside or somehting. go write a song. call someone on the phone. do somehting besides type. are you even listening ot me?

nope, sorry mom. im not listening to a word. i just adlibed your speach onto the scree with my telechenesis. i heard you through the music in my head, and in my ear phones.

please, someone out there, show me how to make it better.............................

im gonna go break apart some ........things...... maybe ill be on agian later.

"nutshell" by alice in chains,

we chase misprinted lies
we face the path of time
and yet i fight
and yet i fight
this battle all alone
no on to cry to
no place to call home

my gift of self is raped
my privacy is raked
and yet i find
and yet i find
repeating in my head
if i cant be my own
id feel better dead

goodbye all. once again.......

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