Thread: Random jokes.
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Old 07-16-03   #6
TheObserver
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Real Answers From Responses On A Driving School Exam
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't get my license plate number!
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying: "Guns don't kill people. I do!
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your Car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Being too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What problem would you face if arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd lose my buzz.
Q: How would it change your life if you had your license suspended or revoked?
A: I'd have to drive illegally.
Q: What is the most important thing to remember when passing or being passed?
A: If the driver is cute, make eye contact and wave "hello".
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.



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A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO . It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 200 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh, Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are in bad shape.
He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man moans and replies, "Yes, Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"



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A Highway Patrolman waited at his Georgia speed trap several hours for a speeding vehicle. Finally a southbound sports car passed him doing 17 miles above the speed limit. The Patrolman quickly flipped on the lights and engaged in pursuit. As he approached the window of the offender's car the Patrolman told the driver, "I've been waiting for you all day!" to which the driver responded, "Well, I got here as fast as I could."



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You Know Your Car Is Getting Old When...
Your gas gauge measures in cubits
Your passenger seat is listed as a historical sight
You never seem to get an answer at the AMC Gremlin help desk
Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopie cushion taped to your steering wheel
Your car has orthopedic brake-shoes
Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take "The Club"



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Driving for Food and Profit
Dave Barry says, "Automobiles are a mixed blessing. On the one hand, they provide us with lots of benefits that were undreamed-of in the "horse-and-buggy" days. For example, any time we get hungry, we can simply hop into the car, pull up to the drive-through window of a fast-food restaurant, purchase a tasty hot meal, spill our coffee on our thighs, and sue a major corporation for millions of dollars."



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A man walks into a bar. The bartender looks up at him and says "Hey buddy, it looks like you have a steering wheel down your pants."
The man turns to the bartender and replies "Yeah mate, it's driving me nuts."



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Jay Leno on the Tonight show,
"Russia, today is just the way the US was in the 50s. They drive big cars, wear funny suits, watch black and white TVs and they're afraid of communism."
"Ladies and gentleman, Lexus, the luxury car of the future, yeah, yeah..., it was recalled because the cruise control wouldn't disengage and the brake lights wouldn't turn off. Hey, who says the Americans can't make cars as good as the Japanese, eh?"



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Three guys die and go to heaven.
The first goes up to Saint Peter who says, "I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?"
The guy answers, "Yes, I've never even looked at another women."
Saint Peter says, "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while you're in heaven."
The second guy gets the same question, and answers, "Once I strayed but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out."
Saint Peter says, "See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in heaven."
The third guy answers the same question, "I have to admit, I've chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women."
Saint Peter says, "Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you're in heaven.
The three guys go off on their separate ways.
A few weeks later, guy 2 and guy 3 are driving along when they see guy 1's Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. Th ey stop and go into the bar and Find guy 1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in his hands on the bar.
They come up to him and guy 2 says, "Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!"
He says, "I saw my wife today!"
The other two answer, "That's great! What's the problem?"
He answers, "She was riding a skateboard!"
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