Thread: Random jokes.
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Old 07-16-03   #5
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A man is driving with his wife, and speeding, so a cop pulls them over and says "You were going 65 in a 40 mph zone". The man replies that he was only going 40 mph, but his wife adds, "That's not true, you were doing at least 70!", so the man says to her "Shut up, you moron!".

The cop also notices that the man is not wearing a seat belt, and says that he will get a ticket for that also. The man tells the cop that he unbuckled his seat belt to get out his wallet, after being stopped. His wife butts in "You liar, you never wear a seat belt", and the man says "Shut up, you moron!".

Now the cop goes to the other side of the car and asks the woman if her husband always talk to her like that.

The woman answers, "Oh no, only when he's drunk".


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the highway. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”


A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."


A gynecologist decided that he'd had it with gynecology. He wanted to go and fulfill his lifelong dream and become a car mechanic.

So he studied hard, and when he felt he was ready, he registered to go take the state licensing test.

The results of the test arrived a few weeks later, and with trembling hands he opened the envelope to discover that he passed with flying colors! He got a score of 200 points out of the 100 points possible.

"200 points out of 100 points possible?" he asks himself. "How can that be?"

So he called the licensing board and they tell him: "You see sir, you received 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly, 50 points for putting the engine back together perfectly, and 100 EXTRA points for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."


I've got a two-tone car: primer and rust!


A guy gets stopped by a cop who closely examines the guy's license.
"You're not wearing glasses" the cop says, noting the restriction.
"But officer" says the guy, "I've got contacts."
The cop replies, "I don't care who you know, you've gotta wear your glasses."


Responding to an ad for a 2-door Chevy for $100 a man discovers that the car for sale is a 1959 Corvette. He says to the woman, "You know, the car has to be worth at least $30,000, why are you selling it so cheap?"
The woman replied, "My husband has left me for another woman. He told me to sell the corvette and send him the money."


Why do Yugo's have rear-window defrosters?
To keep your hands warm while you push them off the road on cold winter days…


Two men get into a car accident. One is a tourist, and one is a native to the town. They get out of their cars to look at the damage. They exchange names and addresses, and wait for the cops to come. As they are waiting, the native says,"Why don't we have a drink to calm our nerves?" The tourist accepts, and takes a drink out of the flask in the native's coat. He hands it back to the native, who puts the cap back on and returns it to his coat. "Aren't you going to have some?" the tourist asks. "As soon as the cops leave, He replies."


A man was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped to ask if he needed a ride. "No thanks...," he said, "I'm not going that far."


Henry Ford in Heaven
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car, has changed the world for the better. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang with Adam, the first man." So, St. Peter points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, he asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?"
Adam says "Yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion.
2. it chatters at high speeds.
3. the rear end wobbles too much.
4. and the intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
"Hmmm...", says Adam, "hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Mr. Ford, "It may be that my inventio n is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."


A Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls- Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, a nd went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb - with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the door of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated proudly.
The Yugo owner looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THAT?!?!"
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
-Scott Adams
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