Thread: Random jokes.
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Old 07-16-03   #4
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Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in Pennsylvania son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that Son-of-a-B***h would've tried that s**t with me!"


A Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares and lit them, and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and watched the show. After a minute or two, he went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Just take me to jail… ain't no way I'm gonna pass that test."


A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she smiled and said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

Giving her a stern look, he replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she continued to smile and tried not to laugh. Realizing what he'd just said, he closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left without saying another word. The women broke down and laughed so hard it was another 10 minutes before she could pull herself together and start her car.


A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through a camera-monitored intersection while the light was red. A $100 ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a photo-copy of a $100 dollar bill. The police responded by sending him a photo of handcuffs. He paid immediately.


A policeman had staked out a perfect place to watch for speeders without being seen, but for some reason wasn't catching very many, even though it was a busy road. After a while he cruised up the road and discovered the problem - a 10-year-old boy was standing by the side of the road with a hand-painted sign that read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."

He then discovered the little boy had an accomplice. Down the road past the place he had been lying in wait was another little boy. He had a sign that said "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we just used to sell lemonade!)


Conversation at the Nursing Home

At a nursing home a group of Seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even punch out the chad at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others
nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully ...." and thank God we can all still drive!


A man’s car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met the farmer. He told the farmer his story.

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.


"Oh, I wouldn’t listen to Bessie," said the Farmer. "She doesn’t know anything about cars."


Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to the old man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm goanna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
-Scott Adams
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