Thread: Random jokes.
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Old 07-16-03   #3
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Your a Red-Neck Rodder if....
You can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
You have a hefty bag for a passenger-side window.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that's mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
People hear your car long before they see it.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course - from your car.
MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth be fore telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name in your arm.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
All of your four letter words have two syllables.
Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You have grease under your toenails.
The directions to your house say "Turn off the paved road."
When packing for vacation, your biggest decision is whether to us e paper or plastic.
You have trouble with people parking under your truck.
You've ever driven across a pond.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.
Your high school annual is now a mug-shot book for the police.
You've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.
You consider a six-pack of beer and a bug-zapper entertainment.
You've ever parked a car in a tree.
You consider old car parts nailed to a wall "Modern Art."
The new part you purchased for your car cost more than your wife's wedding ring.
You've ever requested a handicapped plackard because you can't walk and chew bubblegum at the same time.
You've ever sold moonshine as a dual purpose gas additive.
You consider Ford blue, John Deere green, and primer grey as the three primary colors.
The only tools in your car ar e a pair of pliars, a large flat-tipped screwdriver, and a hammer.
Smog warnings are issued by the local news stations when you drive into town.
You've ever driven accross a pond.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
You consider it a crime that "Dukes of Hazard" never won an Emmy.
You can name over 100 different uses for Bondo. 200 if you include chicken wire.
You don't know the meaning of the word "fear." In fact, you can't even spell it.
A good game of "chicken" involves real chickens and a car.
Fish & Game has to keep telling you not to use your car to fish and hunt.
You're not worried about the price of gas because you "brew" your own.
Your jumper cables are really an old appliance power cord.
The Salvation Army has asked you to stop making donations.
Your car has ever caught fire and you failed to notice.
You think weather-stipping is a form of nude sun-bathing.
You think a "catalytic-converter" is some sort of eye-operation.
The grill of your truck has hamburger drippings on it.
You have a line of credit at the pull-apart yard.
All of your cars are named after Civil-War heroes from south of the Mason-Dixon Line.
Your state legislature has ever specifically named you in a piece of legislation.
When informed of your death, your reletives won't need to ask how it happened.
You owe money on more than one vehicle that doesn't run.
You consider being able to identify road-kill as a useful skill.
Grass won't grow in your yard because that's where you park your car.
It's easier to burn your yard rather than mow it.
Your sister is the best mechanic in the county.
Your mother does wear Army boots… the ones you gave her last Christmas.
You Might be a Speed-Freak if:
The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull into their bay.

You can't drive your car in the rain.

Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.

You are afraid to drive your car.

Your 'Significant other' won't even ride in the car.

You spend more on tires than on food.

Your local DOT decides not to re-pave your street with that new rubberized asphalt because you've already 'done such a good job.'

You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.

Your insurance company had to create a whole new actuarial table to cover you and your vehicle.

Your insurance agent sends 'Thank You' postcards from Tahiti.

You have ever argued with your wife over making the mortage payment or buying that new set of headers while they're still on sale.

You see a picture of your car taped to the bulletin board at your local police station.

Your local city council has passed an ordinance making it illegal for you to even enter a school-zone unless you are foot.

Traffic advisories are issued whenever your car is spotted during rush-hour.

You have to go to the track to buy gas.

Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.

You have speed shops on your telephone speed-dial.

You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.

You refer to the intersection at the end of your street as turn #1.

You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."

News footage of cops chasing you is used as a training video at your state's police academy.

You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.

You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.

Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.

You need parachute braking.

There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.

Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened

Fuel is delivered to your home in 55 gallon drums.

You wear earplugs in your car.

You find out that stock side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.

Your exhaust pipes are a larger diameter than your driveline.

Your fuel pump can be used to water a golf course.

Your engine idles at 2800 rpm.

You measure the fuel you use in "gallons per mile".

The local airport complains about the noise coming from your garage on Saturdays.

The fire department has ever showed up at your house because alarmed neighbors reported smoke billowing from your garage.

You get upset when your kid only gets a 'C' autoshop but not when he flunks math or english.

You consider ABS and traction control as options for the 'driving impaired.'
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
-Scott Adams
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