Thread: Random jokes.
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Old 07-16-03   #2
TheObserver
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Company cars are better than regular cars because…

1. They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.
2. They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.
3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance.
4. They can take bumps at twice the speed of private cars.
5. Oil, battery, tire pressures and fluid levels do not need to be checked nearly so often.
6. They have a much tighter turning radius.
7. The floor is shaped like an ashtray.
8. They only burn the cheapest gas available.
9. They do not have to be garaged at night.
10. They can be driven up to 100 miles with the oil warning light on.
11. They need cleaning less often, especially inside.
12. The suspension and trunk floor are reinforced to allow concrete slabs and other heavy building materials to be carried.
13. They are adapted to allow reverse to be engaged while the car is still in forward motion.
14. The tire side walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs.
15. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminate d by the adjustment of the radio volume control.
16. No security is needed. They may be left anywhere, unlocked, with the keys in the ignition.
17. They have special batteries that can be drained and jumped repeatedly without damaging the electrical system.
18. They come with "temporary" spares that are good for 50,000 miles.
19. They have specially reinforced bumpers for moving annoying objects, such as shopping carts and sub-compact cars in parking lots.
20. All repairs can be accomplished with the cheapest after-market parts available.
21. Parking brakes do not need to be dis-engaged to drive.
22. When parking on a hill, it is safe to leave it gear and ignore the parking brake.
23. The upholstery is impervious to stains, burns, and makeup.
24. They are easily parked in spaces intended for much smaller cars.
25. They are bullet-proof, so you can be as obnoxious behind the wheel as you want to be.

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Car Acronyms
ACURA:
Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile
Asia's Curse Upon Rural America

AMC:
All Makes Combined
A Major Cost
A Mutated Car
A Morons Car
Another Major Catastrophe

AUDI:
Awfully Unsafe Designs Implemented
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Automobile Under Demonic Influence
Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence
Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.

BMW:
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window
Break My Windshield
Babbling Mechanical Wench
Beastly Monstrous Wonder
Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Barely Moving Wreck
Big Money Waste
Big Money. Why?
Big Money Works
Born Moderately Wealthy
Breaks Most Wrenches
Bring More Wrenches
Brings Me Women
Brings More Women
Broken Money Waster
Broke My Wallet
Broken Monstrous Wonder
Bumbling Mechanical Wretch
Blasphemous Motorized Wreck

BUICK:
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
Big Ugly Imitation Chrome King

CHEVROLET:
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques

DODGE:
Drips Oil & Drops Grease Everywhere
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Dead Old Dog Going East
Dead On Day Guarantee Expires
Dead On Delivery, Go Easy
Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired
Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
Dear Old Dads Garage Experiment
Daily Overhauls Do Get Expensive

EDSEL: Every Day Something Else Leaks

FIAT:
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It Again, Tony!
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation

FORD:
Frigin' Old Rebuilt Dodge
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
First On Race Day
First On Recall Day
Fabricated Of Refried Dung
Fails On Rainy Days
Fantastically Orgasmic Realistic Dream
Fatally Obese Redneck Driver
Fault Of R&D
Finally Obsolete Racing Device
Fireball On Rear Denting
First On Road to Dump
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Recycle Dilemma
Flipping Over Results in Death
Flipped Over Roadside Disaster
Follow Our Rusty Dogsled
Foot On Road Decelerates
Forced On Reluctant Drivers
Formed Of Rejected DNA
Forwarded Once; Return Denied
Forward Only; Reverse Defective
Forlorn, Old, Ratridden Dustbin
Fork Over Repair Dough
Fouled Out Re-done Dodge
Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Deterioration
Free Or Reduced Drastically
Frequent Opinion: Really Disappointed
Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable
Funny Old Rattling Dump
(backwards) Driver Returns On Foot

GEO: Good Engineering Overlooked

GM:
General Maintenance
Great Mistake
Garbage Motors
Generally Miserable
Grossly Misconceived
Gluteus Maximus

GMC:
Garage Man's Companion
Gotta Mechanic Coming?
Generally Mediocre Cars
Get More Chicks
Gets Mechanics Crazy
Gods Mechanical Curse
Got More Crap
Great Mountain Climber
Great Motor Car

GTO: Gas, Tires, Oil

HONDA:
Had One Never Did Again
Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
Hallmark Of Non-Descript Automobiles
Hallmark Of Non-Destructable Automobiles

HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

JEEP:
Just Eats Every Part
Junk Engineering Executed Poorly

MAZDA: Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
MG: Money Guzzler
MGB: Might Go Backwards
MGF: Might Go Forward
MIATA: My Intention: Always To Accelerate

MOPAR:
Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly
Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously
Most Often Passed At Races
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Move Over People Are Racing
Move Over Plymouth Approaching Rapidly
My Old Pig Ain't Running
My Only Problems Are Repairs

MUSTANG: Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good
OLDSMOBILE: Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

PINTO:
Put In Nickel To Operate
Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook

PLYMOUTH: Please Leave Your Money Out Under The Hood
PONTIAC: Poor Old Numbskull Thinks Its A Cadillac
PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

SAAB:
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Sad Attempt At Beauty
Sorry Auto, Always Broken
Shape Appears Ass-Backwards

SUBARU: Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

TOYOTA:
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass
The One You Ought To Avoid

TRIUMPH:
This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW: Virtually Worthless

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How to Tell When Need a New Car.

* You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.
* 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
* When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
* While waiting at a stop-light, people run up to your car asking if anyone was hurt.
* For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom-vroom" noises while sitting in the driveway.
* You keep losing dates on left turns.
* Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
* Your tires are balding faster than Michael Bolton.
* The engine burns more oil than gas.
* You wouldn't mind if you were car-jacked.
* You judge suitable parking spaces by the degree of downhill slope.
* You have the local tow company on speed-dial.
* The engine catches fire and you don't notice anything wrong until the firetruck pulls you over.
* You can leave your car parked, unlocked, with the k eys in the ignition, and not worry about it being stolen.
* Public transportation starts to look good.
* Your entire car isn't worth the minimum insurance deductable.
* The city sends you a notice requesting that you remove the "abandoned vehicle" from your driveway.
* Even homeless people look derisively at your car.
* Every time you start your car, the local smog index jumps a whole point.
* The local mechanic says that doing a tune-up is just "throwing good money after bad."
* You double the value of your car everytime you fill the tank.
* The 8-track tape deck finnally eats your last tape.
* When you try to sell it, The Old Car Trader won't accept your ad because they, "have a reputation to protect."
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