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Old 12-05-06   #1
Depressif touch
Moans in the Night
 
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This is me, this is my life. damn...

Okay I'll try to keep this short and tell only the important things about me, so here I go:
(Yeah I know I hadn't succeded in that, cause it turned out quite long but just read it, I believe it worth it )

The whole thing started quite some time ago, in my childhood.
Since I was just a child(till present), this world hasn't been "generous" to me.
Nothing good happen into my life, and shity things happened: I was disrespected, considered weird/different, nerdy, and my childhood girlfriend leaved me (kinda for the same reasons).
I also had no person close to my heart (somebody who you can tell everything that's on your heart), and I also became kinda lonely and had retreated onto myself, introverted as is called.
As the time went by nothing good happend in my life, the same shits remained, I couldn't(or didn't know how) to change my life in better.
The school didn't wasn't going good also, I had good grades, but because my life wasn't good from my heart came no motivation to learn.
So I always learned when I had to, just before the exams, but because the time was short I also got a lot of stress and worries and pain from this shit.
As the time went the same shits still happened, the same lack of respect from people, the same stress from schol and the girl I felt in love had a boyfriend(that I didn't know about).
In the last year my image of a world that has an order and is right was also gone as I discoverd all kinda drama, tragedies, undescribable pain and sufferings.
My soul couldn't handle all the pain and poison acumulated all this years.
All my heart wanted is just to have a good life.
But my life, my past was full of pain and deceptions.
Also I lost my belief that I had that this world has a meaning that is fair/right (for human beeings)-as I said earlier about the tragedies and drama.
I believed that the world was unfair/unjust to me to all the humans not to mention the existence of a good God that watched over us.
Also my heart(and mind) didn't saught a way to make my life better.
All this shit gathered, something had to gave, so I was struck by depression.
Whats's that?
It's a fucking mental state, psihological state (ilness is called but i don't like this exprimation).
The mental state is that you had a bad life, you are having a bad life, you don't know how to get out of it, and you believe that this world is fucked.
You always carry in your heart a feeling a pesimism, a little pain and melacholy. (and of course you have pesimistic thoughts)
But the hardest part is that from time to time you have attacks when you feel very painfull, angry, helpless and desilusioned.
The attacks are triggered (I guess) when you see again that your life, this world is bad, is unjust, is fucked up.
I felt so bad that I cried many times, I rember when I cried in my bathtub wishing for an angel or god to stop this pain, this shit(but that didn't happened).
Sometime I felt so painfull and angry that I sweared God.(for my pain, for making this shity world which gave me so much pain).
Frankly, now, I don't regret it, cause it came from my soul's feelings, it wasn't a lie or somethig I did to show off.
All this time nobody knowed what I was going to, I was and felt alone frome everybody. -I didn't tell nobody cause I didn't understand what I was going through, I was kinda ashame, and the friends I talked to about what I believe kinda didn't understand it, also the attacks were at some intervals of time, couple of days or a week, and also I didn't saught how they could help me.
That, when I sweared God was near the peak of this thing.
This thing, the pain emotions started to descrese in intensity.
As time went I saught on the net and found that I probably had depression.
A couple of weeks I documented more deeply on the net at the depresion.
I saught my simptoms, I understood my psihological "state" (cause I don't want to call it disease or ilness).
I undestood that I had a problem, and that the pain of my disease made me think that the world is more fucked up that it really is.-I still believe that this world is unright- for human soul (in some cases) and that some things could be much better.(and should be much better)

(If you want an example(how much fucked up is this world) I'll give you (one I know: depression.
(Just think how many people are suffering from this thing and can't get (out of it. If you want to see the depression just search on the net (pshilogical simptoms and stuff, but if you wanna know it better find some (confessions of people that went throgh this thing.
(The only way to really know it is to feel all what this people feel (pain, (sufferings,helplessness,fury) but this can't be done in this world you can't (fell what this people fell.

Anywhay continuing with my life's story.
With time the intenisty of the pain of the depresion faded.
As I said I realised that I had a problem, a pshilogical ilness, I understood its causes and symptoms (and what it influenced me to do and to think).
This site I discovered a couple of month ago.
I looked somewhat on it then leave it.
Severeal month had passed by,
I the meantime I read on net that is good to have some support form people, to understand you and help you.
I thaught that here is a place where I can talk and be understood so it would be good for me to talk here, cause by doing so I will release some pain from soul.
(I also was encouraged by that introduction that this site had back then that was told in the upper of the home page if you wanted to make an account, it said "if you are mildly psychotic" the rest I don't remember, I liked that, it influenced me to sign to this site, so why have they taken it out?)
Returning to my story:
I made some courage and I made myself an account.
In that moment(or day) I just snaped out of the depression.
I don't know exactly how.
I guess that my heart realised that that I had a problem,(a mental ilness),
my spirit accepted that the world isn't right, isn't as it should be, isn't as I thought it is.
But also realised that the world isn't as bad as I thought it is, and also that I could manage my life somehow, and that couldn't and shouldn't let myself overwhelmed and defeated by it.
And also I guess that the fact that I made me an account was that the heart took will and courage to fight this psihological thing.
I guess all is resumed to what I fell I don't feel so much pain as before, and I certainly don't have attacks of depression.
I could also don't feel the pain cause I released all my pain from the soul that I had through cryings, thoughts and writings (I did wrote a lot of my thinkings which now I see it helped alot in releasing the pain).
Also I still believe that the world isn't right, isn't as should be.
And also the school isn't going so well, I still got a lot of studiyng to do, a lot of projects and homeworks (why am I obliged to learn in the first place?), and I am a little late but I just don't care so much about it.

I guess I just got out from that psihological state (mind state -I don't have the same thinking that caused the depression).
Anyway now I am kinda of better. I still believe the world isn't by far right as it should be, but I found that I can mange my life, with all the bad things in it(because of the way this world is), and see some small things for what I live this life. (small things I mean good feelings of discovering new things, discovering something new by writing your thoughts, of friendship (hangin with some friends), of beeing able to surmount the difficulties of living this unjust world and also seeing many small good things that can be in the future)

I also could have been healed healed of this depresion, cause I happened to get rid of the causes of the depresion and also because it could have been a mild depresion.
Now I am kinda better I don't have that painfull attacks, but this shit could be back... as I read that the depression has a tendency to come back, and of course if the circumstances that caused the depression will occur again it could happen.

As a description of me:
I fell that deep inside my heart I remained that same innocent boy that I was back then, and I see not how the world is (like most of the people) but how it should be.

Anyway this was my fuckin' story, in this make no sense world.
I know I told at the beginin I will try to make the story short, I couldn't make it shorter if you have a problem speak with God (if He exists) cause he made the comunication through words and tell Him that I also don't like the comunication through words cause it doesn't express by far exactly you want to say.
Or if you don't like the way I think, it's not my fault, it's again the way things are, cause this human mind is all that I got, and the human mind is limited and kinda sucks.
I wander how many of you didn't understood me. (cause certainley there are people that didn't got me).
It is surely that no one understood me exactly(I wander how much did you understood).
You didn't understood me exactly because of this damn exprimation through words (some form of exprimation that express exactly what you feel and think will be better(telepathy anyone?)), and also because of my mind that it couldn't remember all and reproduce exactly what I passed through.
But frankly I don't care that much cause I didn't wrote this mainly for you, I wrote this here mainly for me to get rid of the shit I still have in my heart.
I also wanna say that I have interesting thoughts that I discovered in that period, I will try to post them(as I found out that people like from newcomers to post things), but don't expect to see them very soon cause my priority now is to make my life good, and I also have to rethink those ideeas and fiind the right words to express them with.
I will try to do this but it will probably happen when I will feel to do it (cause it's not quite easy rejudgind them and tryin to find a good way to express them).
I will only tell some good quotes that I like and I'm outta here, I have a life to live(or face) and stuff to do (damn school!!!):
"Why souldn't life be stranger that fiction, after all fiction has to make sense"
"Life can be beautifull but it can be hard"

And I also want to end by saying this thing, I don't know exactly why, but it just sounds good:
I found out that I could use some support
So please scream with me "Fuck the world!" : )

That's it I'm outta here, hope to see you soon guys, hope I didn't wrote too much and hope to read from you things that I'll like.

Peace...
__________________
fell, fuck and fight depression.
why shouldn't life be stranger than fiction? after all, fiction has to make sense.
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