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Old 12-26-03   #1
dark_duqualle
a little clos'r to home
 
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: a couch or a van, depends on level of alchohol in body
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missing the begining, not understanding the end

i usualy sit here. doing searches, and wasting my time looking up stupidshit. another eventfull nightmare in my otherwise unspecfic dream. everything is lost, and i am ready to gie up, as i am so willed to do so.
less than a week ago i found out i have a low count of white blood cells. no its not aids, but the doctors do think its a tumor or abbrasive in my brain. fucking great. i taledto josh ackmen'smom and she thiks i can get an appointment at th upmc scanning center downtown where she works. i dont have insurance anymore, gram took me off after that little incident last spring.
im taking it right now as a reason to get all my things done. i am finishing my newes bok, and i must say it is turnng out rather well. its a physcological thriller ficton/ biography. thas riht, its all abut me and my life. my dreams, and my nighmares. more about my past is revealed in this book then i have ever told anyone. figure if i am going to go, i might as well g with all of it in the open, and all my heartaches known.
i have even given up all my happiness to get all of it done. i am apanning a trip to see my dad and brother back in philly. to say hello, and maybe goodbye to my freinds. still planning on gong to college this upcomming fall, just so i can prove that i will do it to some people. i raly want to be a teacher, and maybe if i get off my ego trip, apply for mdicade, and mybe get over my fear of doctors iwll go get tested and possibly go through a surgery or two.
although the options of surgery are low becase iwill live, will not remember anything. i will be labotamized. iwould rather die, then become a fruit, a vegetable in some white room. dooling on myself, never feeling love again. never feeling touches of thse who love me, and never agia will i eel thelong awaited kiss of my true love. she's there, watching. right now she is not caring, but she is there watching somewhere.
i love you, and this is all true.

i never wanted to sleep with those two other girls. maura, and chelsea. but i aso gave up my decision when i stayed in that hell whole, drinkning and getig high all the time.
i never eant to hurt you all the ways did. at my house on noember 2nd, at my grams. being so jelous and ruining your relationship with your friends. i have neverknown love like this, and i didnt want to give yothe option of finding soething else besides me. i wanted to keep you locked up all to myself, not known about to the rest of the world.
im sory i couldnt keep m promises, and i just kept reaking the rules.

t my father:
im sorry i killed you. im sorry i hated yo, and im sorry wished you all the evils of my world. you have payed your deb and now you have new one for leaving. breking my heartand makingme always fea the wrst.thank you for my blood, and hank youfor my diseases. my greed, and jelusy, my anger and hurt. all my pain could be gone in an instant, if i wasnt so affriad.

to my mother:

what can i say? youve only been aroundfor about 2 years, and its the longest in my life. thanksfor trying, and thanks forsharing the memories i had forgotten. thanks for all the adventure and freedom, and thanks for......thank for giving me life, thaks for lovingda, and thanks for lovingme.

to me:
i hte yo. i always have. you brat, fiend! i cant wait for you to die. icant wait for you to choke i your own thoughts nd overru me again. you keep trying, but you can kill me, you have not the reason r the will to end my life, but ihave all the will in the wolrd to nd yours. all i need be is b alone, and thn die. yu cant eat me! i can nd will win over you. you have thretene your ast love, and you have cut me the last time.

a sid note:
i will be leaving soon. hopefully in the next week. i m truly orry for all i have hurt. i will try to stay up to date with everything on here, so that people knw how i amdoing with my progress and sickness. i will try to let you all know how my book is comming, and maybe one day, long down the road, i cn tell you of my ove, returnng t my arms, and then living in bliss. like i said, i have been living my dreams in my nightmares. and this dream is slowly being deinished by them all.













i love you, never forget that!
i loveyou, always see that!
i love you, hope you noticed!
i miss you, wish you were here.
ill be with you sooner than you think.
im almost there.
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