Hi all!
I wanted to make this thread to see how good you all are at instant poetry. That is, to produce a poem from an idea in an instant. I want as many of you as possible to try this. Make it no longer than six lines, I'm not too bothered if you need to go over, but I want to be able to give a detailed commentry on them and I can't do that if I have to spend hours going over it.
The only restriction to this will be the title, which I shall provide for you all.
Remember, you read the title, you get the image in your head, then you write the poetry. It's simple. No premeditated crap. It should take a maximum of 10 minutes. Hope this goes well.

The title is: THE CRYING SOLDIER

My attempt:

The Crying Soldier

So I was promised freedom,
When the Winters war was won.
"Dry your eyes on the flag" they said
"For soon we will be done".
I stand upon the graves of men
who lay down for their law
"I will not dry my eyes" I said
"For I have lost the war".

Yeah, it's eight lines long but boohoo me.

i'm game... (in code to keep the form)

here's my try (7 lines):

Hmmmm.........

Who wins on this blood soaked land?
The General on the hill does stand,
Surveying the 'victory' a glass of Sencerre in his hand.

"A battle well fought" says he
Where in death is the crying soldiers dignity?

Fuck! They're both good! usually I go on for hours and niggle at everything but they're both really good! lol.
I did laugh at the line "Betrayed by promises of college compensation" though. I have a sick sense of humour.
Thanks for taking part you guys!

thank you, twas fun.

you should see if MD will move this up to the smoke room. I think more people would play along as there arn't so many threads up there.

I was originally gonna put it in the smoke room but I didn't. I don't know why. I think I got scared.

Whoa! now I read both - I understand!

Excellent stuff. Carry on.

The Crying Soldier

Frozen till the last tracer fire reached overhead,
My heart was never in this war,
My soul sold by my general,
My hands used by politicians to despoil,
Each one of us a medium of mass destruction,
My tears were absent until they brought us home.

Beautiful, deabathory, you truly are a poet I'd like to see more of your work if you have any?

Yeah, sure chief, why not...I'm not sure if this is really "instant", since I spent like eight minutes on it, but that's pretty quick for me...

Capre Diem, seize the day
All old soldiers fade away
Good soldiers go in fiery blaze
Never have to endure old age
Never have to face the gloom
Of hours lost in a quiet room
Nothing to do, nothing to say-
All old soldiers fade away.

Capre diem, seize the day
All old soldiers fade away
Ash and Dust and cold, grey Earth
Unending cycles of death and birth
The World is young, but they are not
Just heroes that the World forgot.
The World they fought for, in younger days-
All old soldiers fade away

Capre Diem, seize the day
All old soldiers fade away
The general, from his station
Surveys his troops in perfect formation
Long lines of cold, white stone
And the noble Sun going down alone
And there, the General quiety cries
With the last of the light, an old soldier dies.

Aboslutely brilliant Messiah. I haven't found a dud poem on this thread yet!
The line I quoted above, I was thinking that maybe "fine formation"? rather than perfect? I know it's instant poetry and everything, but it's the only thing I could see that might benefit the change.
The F of Fine and Formation would group the words together with alliteration, almost giving the two words a visual point, plus it would fit in with the movement of the line better than "perfect".
A really brilliant poem (Even if you ignored my six line rule, but rules are meant to be broken blah).

The Crying Soldier

Hazy smoke is lifting,
battle’s…done?
Scent of blood …
burnt flesh a perfume
to this desolate scene.
Field strewn with
the price of war.
Young bodies in
uniform liter ground.
Staring wide with
vacant eyes, humanity
torn apart, every
drop of red
a tear.

2003 SAH


enjoyed this!

Glad, you enjoyed it Seductive
I really love the first two lines. The apprehension with "battle's... done?", conveys the fear and the unbelieving, bewilderment.
"...Perfume to this desolate scene" is brilliant too. "Perfume" gives me the sense of a full blown strength, almost unbearable, powerful. It's like the land is fragranced and stained with that smell.
I really like this, keep it up everyone!

how often are you going to change the subject? if you want more responses, maybe change the subject every few days...it will keep it jumping and on the first page so there will be more opportunity for more to join in... just my random thoughts

lol, nice space filler with "whoopsie" there

Well I was gonna wait until there was at least 2 pages of poetry but what the hell:
The new title will be: BLUE HILLS

(Nothing to do with Purple Pills by D12)

A frail hand floats on the paddy water,
Tiny lungs saturated, deflated and still,
A witness forfeits her life.

A wind that smells of green and white,
Slurs over the dreaming fields, the fire blue hill,
Opium a staunch monarch.

Tiny daughter suspended in an aqueous grave,
Never should have strayed to the laudanum mill,
Small life a smaller price for trade.