All right, I think this is badly needed. I think the trend of "good enough as is" or "straight from the mind to the page" is just a little too trendy. I mean, it's cool sometimes, but critical input from friends (and Darkforum is friendly people) can make everyone's poetry much better. So post poems in here and we can collectively criticize them, and all try to come up with something great. Who knows, maybe the greatest poems of our generation will be pumped out of this very thread... :whipit:


don't be shy! just copy&paste a few of your poems!

empty, lifeless eye
staring at me now
blues and greys
the colder colors
of the darling spectrum
blonde and blue
her eyes and hair
frozed in the river here
a sight for all to bear
her once lovely lips
a deep shade of purple blue
and her eyes are frozen wide in terror
filled with understanding
she knew what happened
her lungs screamed for air
but she didn't heed them
and now its too late
the ice has come
her air is gone
my lovely nymph
preserved in ice...

*reads through. ponders*

okay, so how literally are you talking?

just fix what you think needs fixing..i know i used Ice too much .. and aside from taht i think its horrible...

just fix it? fine.

*stomps foot* FIX IT!!

You had two different relationships going on: one between yourself and the victim, and another between some audience and the victim. i brought it down to just the "them" but i could try reworking it for just being about you and the victim.

crystal stony eyes
staring at us now
blues and greys
the glacier colors
of the darling spectrum.
blonde and blue
her eyes and hair
frozed in the river here
a sight all must bear.
her once lovely lips
a bloodless shade
and her eyes are frozen wide
cursed with understanding .
everyone knows what happened
her lungs screamed for air
but she didn't heed them
and now its too late
the ice has come
her air is gone
our lovely nymph
preserved in ice...

yay!

great idea and great stuff!

Here is one of my latest, I don't really like the end, I mean I do but I don't... just doesn't flow the way I would like it to. What do ya'll think?

[Buying Time with Pocket Change]

Dilapidated store fronts like weathered book ends
to an otherwise seedy dive.
Thick smoke and haughty jazz seeping
in the back alley, a far too appropriate sign.

He doesn't want much
and nobody shares the good stuff anyway.
Squatting in squaller, peeking
through the peep hole wanting
just a glimpse of the girl.

Tip toed, all the boy can see is red,
Not the full shot, just the flavour.
A nickel in the slot was all it took
to have his way, and he always
gets the rest at the drive-in when the show's over.

my interpretation:


[Buying Time with Pocket Change]

Dilapidated storefronts like weathered book
ends to an otherwise seedy dive. Thick
smoke and haughty jazz seeping in the back
alley, a far too appropriate sign.

He doesn't want much, and nobody shares
the good stuff anyway. Squatting in
squaller, peeking through the peep hole,
wanting just a glimpse of the girl.

Tip toed, all the boy can see is red, not the
full shot, just the flavour. A nickel in the slot
was all it took to have his way, and he
always gets the rest at the drive-in when
the show's over.

You're absolutly lovable dsc. I think the line breaks you have are so much better, and right on the money.

kickass.

Wow, Fuckdoll, I really like that one.


Come on, folks, more more more!

why thank ya very much... now... how 'bout some more contributions...

here's another I'm not so happy with:

[fifteen minutes]

Glistening colors revealing his fall,
the mad hatter feels at home
amongst the red balloons with silvery smoke
filled rooms grasping and slashing at straws.

The band plays again (one last time).
His insanity reaching, his pride unending
a musicians death the only fitting end,
A tragedy expected by all.

nobody wants to help edit my poem...

i think, if there were some way you could establish what makes the dude's death so expected, you would make it somewhat more powerful.

or you could change the language of the last line, making the death less of a surprise to the reader. something like, "a merely unexpected end"

thank ya doll...