Ok, I have two of the Darkest, most disturbed jokes I have ever come across. I want to see if the lot of you can top me.

The first joke comes to us, courtesy of shadow man, a game for the N64 console.

A murderer and his victim were walking hand in hand throught a dark forest.
The victim, a little boy, turns to the murderer, and says "I'm ascared of the big dark woods, mister."
The murderer responds, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back through it alone!"

The second joke is a personal favorite of mine because it is a Nightmare King origional. Iit came to me as I was struggling to fall asleep one night.

As you know, Vlad the impaler was call such because he would impale people on large iron spikes, and leave them there to die. A lesser known fact is that right afterwards, while the victim was still alive, Vlad would then sit down right next to them, and eat his dinner.
One night, Vlad turned to his latest victim and said, "You know, normaly I'd make a joke about a man and a bar, but I'm really not in the mood. Could you pass the salt?"

And there you have it. The darkest jokes I have ever heard.
Let us see if anyone can top them.

I don't get it.

The salt is the punchline. It's the fact that vlad is asking someone he put to death, to do something so incidental, despite the fact that the one he is asking is in no position to do anything of the sort.

I don't blame you folks for not getting it. My little brother didn't get it either.

I guess I did get it. Since if it didn't seem funny to me I thought I didn't.

That sounds meaner than I meant it to.

It's ok. It's not meant to be a funny joke, just an incredibly dark one. I thought it was amusing, but your views may differ.

Bob Saget's "The Aristocrats!"

lil ol lady walks into a butcher shop. She asks to see the Butcher's freshest cut of meat. The Butcher turns, walks away and comes back with a beautiful t-bone Steak cut exactly two inches thick.
Lady looks at it and squints it away. Says "No! I want your freshest cut of meat!" Butcher shrinks away again and returns with two beautiful ten once tender loins in outstreched arm, one in each hand.
Lil' ol lady shakes her head very impatiently and says "Fuckin Shit man, do I have to show you exactly what I want?" And puts down her purse, walks behind the counter, grabs a huge clever, unzipps the butcher's pants and pulls out his penis, slaps it on da cutting board and wacks it off! As the Butcher Passes out and falls back...Lil ol Lady hold up her trophy and says"Now Dats a Fresh Cut of Meat!"

well, i think mr. baphamett wins, i am disturbed. oh and i did get the salt punch line, might be a little drier than the other but my favorite flavor is irony.

a circus director had this realy boring elephant who couldnt do any tricks. so every night he would say to the audience "if anyone can make my elephant sit i'll give that person 1000$". one night a man stood up and said "i'll make you elephant sit". the circus director said "ok come down here good man". the man walked down to the elephant and starred the elephant deep into the eyes, then he kicked the elephant as hard as he could in the balls. the elephant sat down faster than lightning and couldnt make a sound.
next evening the circus director thought he would be a bit smart since now he knew how to make the elephant sit. so he said "if anyone can make the elephant nod and shake his head i'll give that person 1000$". the same man from the night before rose up and said "il make your elephant nod and shake his head". the circus director thaught that since the man had managed to make the elephant sit ,then maby he could make it nod and shake its head too, so he said "ok come down here good man". the man walked down to the elephant and starred it deep in the eyes and said "do you remember me?" the elephant nodded. "do you want me to do it again ?" the elephant shook his head.

end of storry

two muffins in a oven...
1st Muffin says: "Holy fuck it's hott in here!!!"
2nd Muffin turns in shock! "Fuckin' Sheet mann! A Talking Muffin!!!"

that is another story

I read this one online that sounds just like it:

One day a circus director's Elephant wouldn't perform any tricks. It wouldn't cry or Laugh! The main attraction of his show!
One night, on the spur of the moment the director asked the audiance when the elephant wouldn't cry or laugh: Anyone that can make my elephant laugh or cry gets a hundred dollars!
A man stand up and anounces he can make it laugh. He comes on down and whispers something into the elephants ear. Sure enough, the elephant starts laughing to no end!
The man takes his money and heads on home.
The next night, the elephant is laughing still. Needing the elephant to cry he offered the same deal. The same man anounces he can make the elephant cry. So he goes on down to the elephant and whispers something into it's ear, and unzips his pants. The elephants starts crying, alot.
The crowd cheering, the man takes his money and goes home. The circus director stops him half way. "Sir, how did you do it? What did you say?"
"That's easy. To make him laugh, I told him I had a bigger [censored]."
"And to make him cry?" prodded the director.
"I showed him my bigger [censored]."

I think the first post jokes are the best thus far.

why did jesus cross the road?

he was nailed to the chicken.

its old, but always funny.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Your mom is like a casino, liquor in the front, poker in the back.

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"