Hail Victory
(A Satirical Essay)

My name is spinkick, and I am a recovering liberal.
For years I have thought myself to be an artist and an independent. I would always side with the tree-huggers, the “save the whales” people, and the vegetarians. To me, the way of peace was the way of right. I was naïve and misled. The way of peace is not the way of Right; it is the way of Left. The way of Right is to protect the people of the United States of America from any enemy, any time, anywhere, by any means possible, and this often means through necessary, violent means; the way of Left is to, as traitors, lie back like cheap whores and so help these enemies conquer our nation. The way of Right is to be cemented in unchanging, God-given morality; the way of Left is to be ever-changing and deceptive.
I am a Born-Again Conservative.
Which is not to say I have risen above all of my liberal tendencies. Someday I will have purged them all and created a new, pure being…but as of now, I cannot listen to our government lie—speak, speak, excuse me (I am still learning to curb my vicious liberalities), speak what they think is best for we, as citizens, to hear, without experiencing a reverse writer’s cramp. Because I still want to know more. Nor can I read or listen to any news about our grand Liberation of Iraq without shaking my head in humanitarian pain, because the Iraqi people are in anguish. And I care about them. I really do. They’re so cute.
In order to be a good conservative, I must learn to love this country, our leaders, and what we fight for. I must believe in us, the U.S. Is this not a most beautiful coincidence? We are united as one nation, under God. Yes, God.
U.S.
Us.
We are all one. Under God.
I fight the liberal urges. I really do.
The need is like a disease.
Please help me. I am sick.
I awoke one morning early last spring, around noon as usual (I was quite the liberal at this time), to live coverage on CNN. The first bombs were being dropped on Iraq. Every fiber of my then-pacifist being was shocked and horrified by this act I had hoped, in vain, would never come to occur. It appeared, through this coverage, that the entire city was being destroyed by these huge explosions, though I knew it was not. This scene of wanton destruction burned into me deeply and would not go away. I felt anger at my country and at our leaders.
I was such an idiot.
A young woman, a sylph who I talked current events with at work called me as this bombing was happening, to ask if I was watching it. I replied that I was. So we were glued to our separate screens, in our different homes, as our country bombarded one military and political building after another. She had tears in her eyes, and so did I. Our mutual discomfort brought us closer, in some sick way that only liberals can identify with. She had a dread-locked mohawk at the time, dyed green. She often wore bondage chokers. She ended up using me as a springboard relationship, allowing me to fall for her deceptive femininity and then throwing me aside. So it is with all liberals: they use their fellows for personal gain and, once the goal is attained, toss them away. We should learn from them what we will, while we can. For they will all soon realize, like I have, the terrible error of their ways.
Immediately after the first bombs were dropped, and certainly before, huge protests were organized by the Reds all across the globe to speak out against this war of “aggression.” There were actually a few rallies in the U.S., to my current dismay. You’d think we would all know better than to defame our nation in such a manner. Any form of protest that defames the government is not lawful protest: it is slander. In any case, I had a friend in Chicago who was photographed by some newspaper as he was marching down a busy street, a decisive expression on his face, holding up traffic with hundreds of other young people. He was easy to spot, with his flaming red Afro. I sided with my friend and the other protestors around the world, thinking the war was wrong. I thought it was wrong for a mass-murderer to control Iraq, but I also thought it was wrong for my country to liberate it. My “reasoning” was that since the U.S. was going into battle without the support or consent of the rest of the world, this was not an operation to liberate, but rather to conquer. I saw it as a way for the U.S. to control a large amount of oil in the Middle East, by means of deceit and false prophecy.
I was such an idiot.
I selfishly, in my naiveté, believed the socialist foreign media with all its anti-American, negative propaganda, instead of my own government. We, as God-fearing Americans, are lucky to live in a country where the government does not control the media. Instead, conglomerates control the media, like General Electric, Disney, and Clear Channel. Is this not ever so much better than having thoughts handed to us by a totalitarian government? We should be envied by all of Neo-Fascist Europe.
I now see the Liberation of Iraq, in my pure new light, as just that: a grand Liberation. Is it not worth the sacrifice of thousands of Iraqi lives for a better future Iraq? Hell, how many Americans died in our war for independence? The Iraqis have gotten off lucky! I don’t see anything close to Valley Forge over there! And for those who complain about American casualties: this has been the most successful military campaign in the history of the world. No country as large as Iraq has ever fallen within three weeks. There has never been a liberation on this scale in which an army the size of Iraq’s was defeated with such a small force, with so few casualties taken (civilians included). Of course, we do not know the actual number of dead civilians and military, because U.S. and British officials have denied keeping count. We only know our number of dead and wounded. The foreign media (if one chooses to believe them) is rounding the Iraqi civilian dead to be around five thousand, with more dying every day due to disease and Iraq’s current state of political and social anarchy. But hey, it’s their fault. If they’d only do what we tell them instead of trying to remain independent, they wouldn’t have these problems.
Many people question our government’s honesty to its citizens about this liberation effort. The fact is, we are told all we need to know. It’s our job to support the troops and our leaders in this moment of crisis, and to trust that our country is doing the right thing, no matter what the socialists have to say. For instance, anti-American Reds accused the U.S. military of using napalm during this last operation in Iraq. The government denied using the substance, because it destroyed its last batch of napalm in April 2001. Questioned further by enraged liberal reporters, officials revealed, without any sort of scandal, that a weapon named Mark 77 firebombs have been used in Iraq. The weapon is not napalm. It is called by a different name. It looks like napalm, has the same effects as napalm, and even smells like napalm, but it is made from a polystyrene-like gel and kerosene-based jet fuel, not the Vietnam-era formula of gasoline and benzene. It’s an effective weapon against entrenched enemies, and saves American lives. What’s more, it is better for the environment than traditional napalm. Just goes to show how much our military empathizes with the enemy’s problems as well as our own. Who cares if Mark 77 sticks to bodies and kills through agonizing pain? It works. And it wins. And it saves little Bambi and Thumper. Unless they happen to be in the blast area, naturally.
I love this country, our leaders, and what we fight for. I believe in us, the U.S. Is this not a most beautiful coincidence? We are truly united as one nation, under God.
U.S.
Us.
We are all one. Under God.
I fight the liberal urges.
The need is like a disease.
Please help me. I am sick.
In the past few years many liberals, including my (former) self, accused (sometimes openly, sometimes not) the U.S. government of infringing upon our rights as citizens by using the protection of the American People as an excuse for injustice. We saw the Patriot Act as a means for the government to place dissenting Americans in prison without a warrant or trial. We saw greater security as a push towards a police state. What these socialist liberals do not understand (what I did not understand, until my recent ascent) is that the American People have just as much freedom now as they had before. Before what, you may ask? Before September 11, 2001: the day the war against terrorism began. So what if some rights have been nullified? We are no longer at peace; we are at war. It is a terrible tragedy that so many citizens were murdered that day in September, two years ago. But there is one good side to the issue, which is often overlooked by the weeping liberal masses who always complain, but never act. It forced us to join the war. The rest of the world has been fighting terrorism for many years. It is past time that we joined. Allusions to World War Two cannot be avoided.
We are now at war with all groups who wish America harm, at home and abroad. No longer will we stand by and let the fight come to us. We have the right, the duty even to, through military intelligence, determine who or what is a threat and, once discovered, terminate with extreme prejudice.
American bonds lie strong in us, the U.S.
Islamic terrorists have killed thousands of innocents in the past fifty years, all in the name of their religion. My former self thought Islam to be a way of peace, much like Christianity. But my new-found mind, infused with the power of truth, is now changed. Islam is not a real religion, but a means of violence and oppression, spread throughout the world by a high regime intent on bringing all people to its knees in heathen prayer. Is there any other religion that endorses the ritualized killing of innocents to prove a point?
When have innocents ever been killed in the name of Christianity?
It is the duty of our government to protect us against such fanatics. If this means giving away some of our rights, then so be it. These secondary rights won’t be missed by anyone except by those who regularly break the law, and wish to keep doing so. And they would, without such tight restrictions. So not only are we keeping the Muslim horde away, we are also defeating the criminal element at home. We are making our country safer for our children.
Uncle Sam is proud of us. The U.S.
But the liberals don’t understand this. They think that taking away any of our freedoms is the worst thing a government can do. What about ignoring the enemy completely? Or allowing Americans to be killed, without putting up a fight? There is no excuse for a government not to protect its people when it has full knowledge that an attack may come at any time, from anywhere, without warning. Steps must be taken to protect citizens, even if this means taking the fight to a premeditated offensive. After all, the best defense is a good offense.
I love this great country, our wise leaders, and the causes for which we fight. I believe in a great power: us, the U.S. Is this not a most beautiful coincidence? We are truly united as one nation, under God.
U.S.
Us.
We are all one. Under God.
I fight the liberal urges.
The need is a disease.
Please help me. I am sick.
This country is founded on the principle of democracy. Democracy means everyone must participate. If everyone doesn’t participate, there is no democracy.
There is no democracy now.
Voter turnout is at an all-time low in America, while in new, excited democracies, joyous to be released of the shackles of communism and free to bask in the glories of capitalism, it is around 95%. We are fat, lazy slobs who sit on our asses and don’t do a damn thing to help ourselves, much less our country. But, the thing is, we are our country. By helping our country, we are helping ourselves.
“Nation” is defined as a group of people of the same ethnicity, culture, and language. We, the United States of America, are made up of many nations. The Pledge of Allegiance tells us we are “one nation, under God.” To come together as one nation, as we are meant to be, we must strive for the same goals, by the same routes. We must unite as a people.
By coming together as one nation, in a unified purpose, with the same goals, we will be unstoppable.
We are already unstoppable.
We have directly opposed all the socialist countries in the world in our war against Iraq. We know that we were just and are just now, and that they were wrong and are wrong now. They can do nothing to stop us.
We have leaders. They are our leaders for a reason. We must rally under them, growing strength, growing spirit. Patriotism is not a commodity or an alternative. It is a must. We praise our leaders with our patriotism.
The American flag is sacred. It is a symbol of us, the U.S., the American Nation. Soon it will fly from every household, every apartment, every hovel from coast to red-white-and-blue coast. Pride is not a sin, for it is Pride.
Races will no longer exist. There will be only one race: the American race.
Our media will no longer spout lies about our fine nation. They will follow the example of the new, proud, Unbiased Media that only speaks the truth even if it is, sometimes, unpopular in the eyes of many. Because there is only one way for our people to know the truth, and this is to force it into them with the grace and power of the Muse of Justice herself.
There is no excuse for ignorance. Especially willful ignorance.
Idealism is gone, and Realism is the way. Money is good, and morals are pure. They way of truth is through our leaders, who are elected and moved by we, the people. America is us. God bless U.S.
I love the United States of America, our wise elected leaders, and the wars we fight for our freedom. I believe in the one true power: us, the U.S. Is this not a most beautiful coincidence? We are truly united as one free nation, under Washington.
U.S.
Us.
We are one.
I fight the outside urges.
The world is a disease.
Please help me, Leaders. I am sick.
Hail Victory.