i wish i could be able to talk about the stuff that would go on through my head. but i don't know how to talk about them. when it would come to explaining about stuff. it's not the fact that people won't be able to understand at all. that isn't it. it's just explaining is all that is the hard part. that is what i have trouble with.

That's what this place is for hun. Just write like no one is going to read it.

I'm in a pretty shitty mood at the moment...Feeling like writing your journal rather than my abandoned one though. Let's be bottled up old bitches together!

yep. ain't that the truth. well i hope that your mood would die out soon. but you can wright in my journal anytime you want. you can also ramble away in it. i don't give a fuck. have fun with me.

that we shall be bottled up old bitch together haha.

this was on Wednesday, September 28,2005

Again-a good bye......... by rottedfairy.

to someone i thought would be there always be with me.......BIG fucking SURPRISE i was wrong yet again
that shell that started around me when all that crap that i went th0ough with len and jen just got thicker and harder...
this entry with all its pain hate and bitterness is to her
when i read that entry you made i felt like again someone drove a knife in my heart and twisted.....i dont know what the fuck i did to you to cause such hate to me....and please save your breath dont even try to unsay what you said because sometimes somethings can never be unsaid they will always echo....weither its good or bad.....and this was bad bad i am gonna make a point of saveing your last words to me so that if i ever break and want to let you back in i have a stinging reminder of why i locked you out in the first place....
you know what ? your not gonna like this but i am gonna paste it in here so i can reference things....your words will be in bold and my reply will be in itlaics clear enough? lets begin...
While it's so obvious you have all ready chosen the person you want to be with. i know WHO in a perfect world i would be with but as far as reality goes.....i am alone and i am better off that wayThat person isn't me and it will never be me. Eventhough it CAN'T be me.your right it could never be you for many reasons and i though i was always clear on that i loved you like i love a freind.... This was pointless a one sided love relationship that obviously never ment anything and obviously never went anywhere. romanticly it was onsided and i am sorry that i could never change that but you did mean something to meExcept for you to torture my heart and make me feel like shit.tourture YOUR heart and make you feel llike SHIT?! what do you think this entry has done to me? as i said above you drove knife in mine-as for makeing you feel shitty i am sorry its that way but i never knew you were so unhappy with things You don't even care all that much about me.again your so wrong i did care a great deal about you and i always tried my best to respect you i held you close as my friend even it was only though text on a screen either wise you would of told me to my face that i wasn't the one for you and for regardless on how much I wanted to be. Wether it would hurt my feelings or not.i thought i did that?or maybe you just didnt want to hear/see it They will still hurt anyway. While none of this was ever a relationship to begin with.it was a realtionship a very close kinship i thought It was a "one of your best friend" kind of a relationship. you say that like it was nothing at all that is actually in my world a very important titles i have few ppl that i consider so close to me that they are all my best for different reasons i dont see the reasons to chose "my best" cuz to me that is wrogn and mean to all others involvedHeck i'm not sure if it was even that. I think I was someone that was there to your occupy time.you were someone to laugh with to cry with confide in you were a friend but it seems to me you took it for granted But this was my fault since I let you do that to me.your right this is your fault but you did this to your self if you need someone to be there for you or if you need someone to spit on.i have never spit upon you in anyway shape or form and its that statement that angers me so much that you would think so little of me to feel that i did that and never tell me untill now i won't be there at all. Not at all and not anymore.you were never there and i will never be there again for you I won't even be like you. your not like me noone is like me none is like you...everyone is unique we are all different and thats what makes each person specialThere is the door and you should leave through that exit sign. as soon as i am finished saying my peice i will leave and board the door up beind me......

so yeah this is it this is the end.....and i saw it all comeing before now. ever since i started being online less because i am busy with my off line life you started to get weird but this this was the last straw....i am sorry if you felt i never valadeted you exsitence in here but i save this for my off line life and my rants and my bitchyness....if you read back you will see very little mention of my online life because this is mainly for those that only know me online to get a idea of what i get into when i am not online....and thus far everyone but you has been cool with that....just like everyone but you understands why i am not here much anymore....i come online when i can and i read all of the updated diarys on my list i may not always note but rest assured i read.....
i am trying hard not to fee like maybe this is always my fault that i am really the peice of shit ppl make me out to be, cuz i am know i am not i am a good person i have my faults but to those close to me i never seek to hurt them in anyway unless they hurt me first and lately when that happens i am meaner than i have ever been thats just cuz of all the crap i have dealt with in the past months....its made me colder and harder and i hate it but it is necessery for me keep sane in this world and to protect myself from people ....people like you people like len people like jen peopel like my ex and the list does go on.....but i have gone on with this topic long enough and i am done....
but still i always thought you were different.....i would like to know that REAL no BS reason why you did this....but i doubt i will ever know....
oh yeah one more thing.....as of right now you have been blocked on my MSN....just thought i would tell you that....

i know that she feels guilty. because she has all ready chosen someone over me. now she is dumping it all on me and make look like it was all me. though she should have understand about my hurting and how insecure i was feeling. about how she felt for me back. all i got was "you are one of my best" but she threw it out there like a clue for me to get. instead of telling me straight. but i have ALWAYS been there for her. ALWAYS!!
she would take off for a year and i never bitched or complained about that. because when she came back after from being gone for so long. i was happy when she would always return. she also forgot who sended her some real expensive flowers that were a bokay, $50 bucks for her b-day, and a journal letting her know how much i felt. she never mentioned those things. but i was always there. but when she started to get online less and i really wasn't too sure about how she felt. that was why i started to become weird the way that i did.

i still have this contained. i haven't released anything from it at all. this is still hurtfull. i was seriously in love with her. none of this has nothing to do with len.

on top of that i'm happy that maso came in here. right along with tijuana bandit. i love it when they both come. i hope that they continue to do so.

have you ever wondered which hurts the most?
saying something and wishing you hadn't? or (they both hurt actually)
saying nothing and wishing you had?

i guess the most important things are the hardest things to say.
don't be afraid to tell someone you love them.
(everybody is afraid to tell there someone)

if you do they might break your heart...
if you don't you might break theirs.


your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't.
you can't tell your heart what to do.
it does it on its own........when you least suspect it or even when you don't want it to.

have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had but you were too afraid to speak up?
have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of REJECTION was too hard to handle?

i think all of us have been there. as this would be nothing but a cycle in our lives over and over again and again. people are just too dam afraid. somebody could really be in with love me right now. but it's in secret form though. to make it more open and for them to realise. it doesn't really have to be hidden from me. i have total acceptance of them. i would not turn them down. that if they want to belong to me. they can belong to me first thing. i would love to have them. the door is seriously open to walk inside of.
it's saying in the most simple of two words "come in"

though i don't know who they could be. but please don't hide. that would mean a lot to me. it would be nobdy elses business but ours.

Guess who's fucking back! Yeah!- that's right! ME!!!

And why the fuck you still going on about that bitch rottenfairy- damn girl- thought you were over that shit.

Why does my friends become shit when I'm gone.

just kidding

well it's done now. since i know that it isn't so my fault. took me a long time to see that. i'm slow
but at least i'm feeling better about it now. because i know that it wasn't all me.

because you have a wonderfull spirit hunny. it's what keeps people together haha. that is why most people turn to crap haha.

how have you been? oh yeah and i know how to make my msn work. i just go to www.meebo.com instead. it's kind of crapy. but hey at least i can be able to chat at least.

nice seeing you noticed me. lol

how can i not notice you?

Well, don't ask me questions I can't answer!



How is your Easter going?

today i've been feeling really weird. at the dinner table i wasn't sitting properly in my chair. i was sitting all slouched out. today we were eatting BBQ hot dogs and chicken. i only ate one BBQ chicken. but i was eating it rather slowly. i was also incoherent. everything was in slow motion for me. even i was being the same way to. i was also getting a little bit of a headach. well i get headahcs from time to time. guess i wasn't feeling right. i think i'm feeling a little bit better then what i did before. if not i could always lay down.

haha you got it. easter was pretty good. we just layed back and kept to ourselves. what about for you?

I worked from 5am- 1:40pm
Got home fixed my computer, installed my wireless card for internet connection then ate and now I'm back on the net

sounds cool to me. well i'm glad you are back. it's fucking nice by the way. now i no longer have to go crazy. *giggles to myself*

oh yeah are you still on opendiary? i hope so. since i'm still on it. hopefully you didn't forget your password on there.

i baught a necklace.

the price to that necklace is $346.39 dollars. while the real price to it is $525.00.

14kt yellow gold ruby and diamond pendant on a 14kt yellow gold, box chain. the pendant contains three 5mmx3mm, oval, faceted rubies and two, round briliant cut diamonds. the total diamond weight is 0.08cts or greater. the diamond clarity is VS-2 or better. the diamond color is 1 or greater.

though it's not for me. it's for a woman that would come into my life. she would seriously have to be something for me. i want her to be a decent woman. not like a slut or a slut period. i want her to be fucking awsome. just awsome as hell. when it would come to being a girlfriend of mine.

the necklace is real. as for now i'm single. i have been single for 25 years. i'm fresh meat.

i have recieved compliments from other people about my necklace. they are all in "oohheed" and "aahheed" about it. saying how much of a pretty necklace it is. people have said that it's seriously gorgeous.