most supermarkets have those free BP testing machines.. and have those little cards there that you can take to keep track of your results.. Cheaper than a doctor.

oh yes i know what you are talking about. since i've seen those. that is alot better to do instead. so i'm going to go with that idea. thanks for bringing it up. oh yeah and my dad is a doctor

but retired.

i think that most people miss the nick shyshy. cause some still call me shyshy around here. or they will also do the kendra aka shyshy stuff. you know even though i don't have shyshy as a nick anymore. i wanted to choose and use my real name instead and did just that and is going to stick with it. that shyshy is still right here and she is still that same person. nothing different about me. except the switch of the name is all.

how i came about that name. well that is how kendra is in person. she is a very shy person. since it is about me and that is about my personallity. something that still has and is a relation to me. i went ahead and used it as a nick.

but i started off from being shygirl. then a girl name midnightsarrow she was the first person to call me shyshy. so when she started to call me that and everybody else started to go by that as well. i decided that i should be shyshy. then when i had my name as shyshy people will go by shygirl. which was funny by the way. because i'll be like do you people want me to be shyshy or shygirl make up your bloody minds. then apart from that i became shyshy and stuck with it.

but this is the real her.

whatever it is that my personallity is about. i'll use those certain personallities and use them as a nick. cause it's about me. if it's something isn't about me. then i won't go by it. it has to be something that has to do with myself and use it is as a nick. is basically what i do. since i am myself and nothing more.

well i don't know how to be like anybody else. except kendra herself. i only know how to be myself. kendra is a character.
i don't like being like everybody else. i'm just happy being myself. that is how she is.

kendra and shyshy are still the same person. ME!!

it's nice to know how people still love something about me. from that nick.


so she hasn't gone anywhere and no need to worry about that. love this about me as well

i need to stop and think about how greatfull and lucky i am. about what i have in my life. such as a family, house, things, and just everything. because none of this stuff is going to be here forever. because it's all going to go away someday. who know's where i'll end up and who know's where my family ends up. when things start to change. they aren't going to change right now. later on in life it will. i shouldn't take what i have for granted. because of this thought it started to bug me in my sleep. because of this thought i couldn't go to sleep. it was seriously upsetting. i couldn't get myself to chill out. that is how jumpy and upsetting it made me feel. right along with guilt added on it. the only thing i did was sit in the shower with my clothes on. had it running on hot water. i stayed there untill i was able to get myself to feel ok again. i really wouldn't come out untill i could settle the fuck down. so that is what i did.

this thought came back to me right now.

i still feel the sameway about it. so how can i feel better about this and is it too late to make up for it?

right now i'm seriously clouded. i really love it when the people i know think about me. when you know people. you don't know if they ever think about you or not. it's hard to know when you come across to exist into someone elses thoughts. it will bring you to question if he/she cares about you. because it's forgetfull to know when someone does care about you or not. which is why it's important to remind them of it. not everyday. like once in a great while. then after that you will be amazed on what it will do to a person. it will lift them up, they will know you do care about them, and feel all excitted. to where they would be clouded up. as well as being emotionally happy with tears. well that is what it does to me. then it would also make me take in a deep breath and let it out as if it was a release. after they are done telling me that.

then when they think about me. i wonder what do they think about and what has cause them to stop and think about me from whatever it is that he or she was doing or working on?

wow amazing how it can make me feel this way. when people think about me.

You come across as a sensitive,shy but very intelligent person. Its not abnormal to be clingy,especially when the person your stuck to has a desirable personality. I used to be that way...what i did was try to become comfortable with myself,and find things I liked in myself that made me want to be comfortable when the person I stuck to was gone.Dont know if that makes any sense,but you don't give yourself enough credit.I see there are many doors,and rooms in your mind.

no that has made perfect sence to me. so in other words you have to find the things you like about yourself that would make you feel comfortable. so that way you know how to be on your own when they aren't around.

i can do that.

what do you mean by enough credit? thank you spacy

nevermind i don't want people i don't know reading that stuff. for things i like and don't like.

i'm thinking how i made the right decision about something. other wise i would of been screwed. not only that i would of been hurt. as well as being in trouble. i could have been stuck. i could have been in danger. i was being dragged into a situation i didn't want to experience again. i knew how something didn't add up correctly. it was a dam good idea that i didn't fallow through with it. like i almost did. it a dam good thing that i stayed where i should be and am. other wise i would of been fucked. i was a little bit ignorant. i'm not so much of an ignorant now.

i'm going to keep that one to myself. with what i could have almost gone through.

haha.

man i had the most weirdest dream. from the dream i had. my head is all in the clouds because of it. so i'm talking as if i'm still in that dream though i'm wide awake. so i'm basically in LA LA land. it will take a while for this effect to wear off. it's a little too much from what i feel on it so it's making me weary. it was seriously weird.

i had a dream that i was out in my backyard. it was night time and i had the lights on. because i was taking my dog to the bathroom. but these people came into my backyard dressed up in a cat costume. they were both black cats. there was a male and a female. in my backyard talking to each other and smoking a cig as if they owned my property. i was standing there looking at them like "what the fucking hell?" but i didn't make a fuss. i was to curious about them but in an interesting way. like "wow i had human cat people in my backyard. it's strange and unusual. but it's cool at the sametime!!" i was thinking all sorts of things about them. like why were they dressed up like cats and how come they decided to chill out in my pad? but then i thought they must have been doing some broadway thing. so i ended up having a conversation with them. they were filled with laughs and giggles. they were interesting to talk to. though we didn't talk for very long and they had to go and they left.

then it changed.

i think i was at some swimming party. the pool was packed with people. some were swimming with there clothes on and some were in there suits. it was pretty dam wild. people were doing all sorts of things. some would be thrown in the pool, others would be dunked, some would be tackled, some would dive off from the roof and land straight inside the pool, and some people just swimmed.. i remember taking a dive off the roof and landing in the pool. but i was carrying a black brief case with me as it was handcuffed to my left wrist. some people were after me. because of the black brief case i had. i don't know what was in it or why i had it. as well as people coming after me for it. but i swam to the other end of the pool untill i got out. i got away just fine.

the dreamed changed again.

well i was sitting at a round table with a bunch of women. we were filling out some papers. we were to busy making arrangements, putting in orders, making files, and having stuff published. people were in a rush to get things done. nobody was slowing down at all. this was in a resturant though. we were the only ones in it. it was in an expensive one at that. it was real classy. once when people were done. everybody left. i decided to stay and chill out for a bit. like take a breathing from what we were doing on getting things done. then another girl stayed with me as well. we ended up talking. though i don't remember what our conversation was about. the only thing i remembered was that she said something that was seriously hurtfull to me. though i got up in a serious manner and had no expression on my face at all. then i stormed out of there with flowers i had in my hand and tossed them. when i gave them to her.

then that was all i dreapt about in one dream.

my dreams are like that. i'll be dreaming about one thing and it will move on to something that is different and so on and so on. while it's all in one dream.

i am always able to watch myself do all the action as well as become apart of the action. i'm able to do both things at the sametime. it's kind of weird but interesting. i don't know how i'm able to do that. i just can.

see the action and become apart of it. while still being able to see myself. it's like that for me in ALL of my dreams.

if i have misspelling i'm still rather tired. i think i'm going to go back to sleep. since i didin't get very much.

i'm thinking about avoiding darkforum. i'm not going to avoid darkforum completely. i need to avoid it for a while.

well that plan i said up above. didn't really succeed it's self. oh well that is seriously all right. i got nothing else to say. i know it's a shocker. it's one of the most shortest enteries you people have ever witnessed by me.

i know i'm full of surprises. you never know what you are going to get from me next. wait a minuet i'm slightly wrong. the above post was pretty short to. haha. man do i have a good eye!

i'm starting to take an interest on wanting to chat with Dark Messiah. though i have never chatted with this person before. i think that it would be interesting. it's kind of cool how an older member whom you've never really interacted with and has been here for years and years like i have. can all of a sudden seem or be interesting. like something old can be something new. in a refreshing kind of a way. if that has made any sence at all. i feel rather silly. as i started to have the giggles from saying that. i mean just seeing them appear. then reading there post and viewing what they have to say. it kind of makes you grab your heart. as well as have you go "man i gotta have a chat with this person!! so i have approached them and we shall have communication soon. i wasn't shy at all. a little scared. but i got brave and pushed through.

i've had some older members who have done the samething to me to. though you have been here for years like they have and you sord of conversed with them but not a lot and the two of you go your own way. then once when you end up where they are and they spot you. you seem interesting to them all of a sudden.

that has happened to me a couple of times actually. you'll feel like an old member celebrity.

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don’t patronize - don’t patronize me

Chorus: cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t
’cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t

I’ll close my eyes, then I won’t see
The love you don’t feel when you’re holding me
Morning will come and I’ll do what’s right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
Chorus: cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t
’cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t

this is one of my favs. each time it will come on. i'll turn it up and listen to it. though i'm not listening to it right now. instead i'm listening to iron butterfly.

i'll go through quick links and i'll scroll down to view "who's on line?" to see who is online and to see where members are posting at. after that is done and over with. then i'll look at the title of the old threads that have been posted by other memebers on darkforum. so i'll look at them out of interest and see what it is what. for other reasons. such as bordem, interested, curious, seeing what i've missed, seeing what i haven't missed, and just to view old timer threads. for the fuck of it. as well as seeing something that could help me put my own thoughts into words. when i have trouble with it. just like i am doing right now. as an example.

well tonight i came across AbstractEvil's thread called "depressed recently?" then she also said something about her depression. it went like this and she said " Ok I like helping people out , talking to people , about their problems. Doing that makes me feel better and makes me see how petty and stupid my things are. There we go ."

i have the same relation to what she has on her depression. but when she said this "Doing that makes me feel better and makes me see how petty and stupid my things are." it doesn't only do that for me. it just makes me feel a lot better that i have helped someone. because i helped someone. that feeling of helping someone it will make me feel good. then whatever it was that i was feeling before i helped them. it will go away. though it will always come back. that is what i do whenever i am down in the shits. i look for somebody to help. to make me feel better once again.

i'm glad this has helped me to cover it. though i understand and realise that by doing this. it doesn't actually help me out the way that i think it does. because i am not there for myself. the only person that needs help and to help herself is only kendra.

i think i solved my own problem. i felt a release within me drift away. heh who knew that darkforum can be so therapeutic? it can seriously feel good to be your own therapist. at least the charges will be for free.

i got a call from panthera66 today. she sounds seriously happy. like she is doing much better then how she was before. both her and her family are doing wonderfull. which is good. then we conversed about other things.


sorry.... my head is all in the clouds. from how she called me. so because of that i'm in LA LA land.

i'm all having a wow kind of a moment by her. that she called. i'm very much in LA LA Land because of this. but it's all in a good way!! like in a wow kind of a way. i can't really pay attention to my journal. wow is all i can say. that girl she amazes me all the time. of course it's making me grab my heart.

my whole intire journal is so full of hilarity. when it comes to kendra herself. but it's not out of bad hilarity. it's out of good hilarity. i'm glad i'm able to make myself laugh. out of the things i'll say within my own journal. like mia and i have said it's important to laugh at yourself because it's healthy thing to do.

i'm thinking about one of my old origional thoughts. inside of my journal. which i've posted about on the very first page. while i have other thoughts that are going to sit on top of my origional thought. before it gets taken into action. hopefully that has made sence.