well i went into visit my dad to see what he wanted. all he wanted to know about is if i was up or not. then he asked if i was hungry. i said that i was and so him and i went down to grandy's to eat. its just down the street from our house. he ordered a chicken fried steak, with mashed patotoes, bread, and corn... then i wanted to get the roasted chicken but that was going to be a 35 minuet wait. so i got what my dad got to eat. then we both had dr.pepper

at first the dr.pepper was good and then it started to taste like carbinated water. they ran out of syrup was all. then we heard one of the worker's talking about the dr.pepper saying how it taste bad... when i was listening in on there conversation i sat there nodded my head agreeing to it and so was my dad.

after we were done eating. we threw what we couldn't finish away in the trash and went up and ordered some bread to take home and munch on for later....

but as soon as we left grandy's it was raining outside and my jacket is covered in rain. i don't care about that though. i love the fact that we are having this rainy wether and it was also raining last night... because its soo dam hot in fucking texas!

that is why i enjoy the rain and never bitch or complain about it... because i hate all of this fucking heat and want to have a break from it is all.

so i've been enjoying the rain.

just now i tried to see if that one site is working right now... its still not working. all it keeps on saying is that "this page cannot be displayed" for the OD site. but it was working fine all of last night. maybe it will work later on in the day.

man i got the price is right song in my head.....

dah nah dah nah NAH.... dah nah dah nah dah...NAH DAh DAH NAH...... DAH NAH DAH NAH.......

*cranks myself up*

HAHAHAHA! you people must think i'm a freak.

No, woman, no cry;
No, woman, no cry;
No, woman, no cry;
No, woman, no cry.

'Cause - 'cause - 'cause I remember when a we used to sit
In a government yard in Trenchtown,
Oba - obaserving the 'ypocrites - yeah! -
Mingle with the good people we meet, yeah!
Good friends we have, oh, good friends we have lost
Along the way, yeah!
In this great future, you can't forget your past;
So dry your tears, I seh. Yeah!

No, woman, no cry;
No, woman, no cry. Eh, yeah!
A little darlin', don't shed no tears:
No, woman, no cry. Eh!

Said - said - said I remember when we used to sit
In the government yard in Trenchtown, yeah!
And then Georgie would make the fire lights,
I seh, logwood burnin' through the nights, yeah!
Then we would cook cornmeal porridge, say,
Of which I'll share with you, yeah!
My feet is my only carriage
And so I've got to push on through.
Oh, while I'm gone,
Everything's gonna be all right!
Everything's gonna be all right!
Everything's gonna be all right, yeah!
Everything's gonna be all right!
Everything's gonna be all right-a!
Everything's gonna be all right!
Everything's gonna be all right, yeah!
Everything's gonna be all right!

So no, woman, no cry;
No, woman, no cry.
I seh, O little - O little darlin', don't shed no tears;
No, woman, no cry, eh.

No, woman - no, woman - no, woman, no cry;
No, woman, no cry.
One more time I got to say:
O little - little darlin', please don't shed no tears;
No, woman, no cry.

have this song inside of my head. haven't heard it in a while. its nice to listen to and it will make you smile.

Her name was lola, she was a showgirl
With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there
She would merengue and do the cha-cha
And while she tried to be a star
Tony always tended bar
Across the crowded floor, they worked from 8 til 4
They were young and they had each other
Who could ask for more?

Chorus:

At the copa (co!) copacabana (copacabana)
The hottest spot north of havana (here)
At the copa (co!) copacabana
Music and passion were always in fashion
At the copa.... they fell in love

His name was rico
He wore a diamond
He was escorted to his chair, he saw lola dancing there
And when she finished,he called her over
But rico went a bit to far
Tony sailed across the bar
And then the punches flew and chairs were smashed in two
There was blood and a single gun shot
But just who shot who?

Repeat chorus

At the copa... she lost her love

Her name is lola, she was a showgirl,
But that was 30 years ago, when they used to have a show
Now it’s a disco, but not for lola,
Still in dress she used to wear,
Faded feathers in her hair
She sits there so refined,and drinks herself half-blind
She lost her youth and she lost her tony
Now she’s lost her mind

Repeat chorus

At the copa... don’t fall in love
Don’t fall in love

* claps my hands together once while singing along*

At the copa (co!) copacabana (copacabana)
The hottest spot north of havana (here)
At the copa (co!) copacabana

well i'm having rum and coke and later shots of JD.... so rum and coke and shots of JD i'm going to do today. right now i'm listening to the band "hearts."

by heats alone

I hear the ticking of the clock
I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh I hope that it won't end though
Alone

Til now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

You don't know how long i have wanted
to touch your lips and hold you tight
You don't know how long I have waited
and I was going to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
and my love for you is still unknown
Alone

Til now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone
Alone
Alone

perfect song to listen to at the moment. this is one of the bands i like to listen to.

*moves my head to the song i'm listening to and has a sip fo rum and coke.*

i really need to clean my fucking room. if you people were to see it you'll be like "oh my god kendra. your room does seriously need to be cleaned." fuck yes i agree to that..... but dusting sucks and picking up is good.... i don't want to deal with dust but i'll clean once when i feel like it... untill then i'm not worried about it..... fuck rock on!

Little Bunny Foo Foo,
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head

Down came the good fairy and she said

"Little Bunny Foo Foo,
I don't want to see you
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head.
I'll give you three chances,
And if you don't behave
I'll turn you into a goon!"

The next day:

Little Bunny Foo Foo,
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head

Down came the good fairy and she said

"Little Bunny Foo Foo,
I don't want to see you
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head.
I'll give you two more chances,
And if you don't behave
I'll turn you into a goon!"

The next day:

Little Bunny Foo Foo,
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head

Down came the good fairy and she said

"Little Bunny Foo Foo,
I don't want to see you
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head.
I'll give you one more chance,
And if you don't behave
I'll turn you into a goon!"

The next day:

Little Bunny Foo Foo,
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head

Down came the good fairy and she said

"Little Bunny Foo Foo,
I don't want to see you
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head.
I gave you three chances
And you didn't behave
Now you're a goon! POOF!!"

The moral of the story is:
HARE TODAY, GOON TOMORROW

right now i'm just picking up some shit in my room. because the trash people are coming today. then we took the rest of my chair apart from when it broke and from how i took most of it apart. when i had nothing else better to do. so that chair is out there in the trash. then i'll get myself to do some more stuff to my room. don't want to say what it is because if i were to say it i won't end up doing it. i'll be doing different things instead of what i said i was going to. i know how i am sometimes while most of the time i don't. anyway i'm going to get off and i'll take these two glasses back to the kitchen and wash them out and my dad came in and took my trash bag and he is putting it out there. yeah so i'm gonna jet.

ok well i'm picking up and dusting my room. just now i took care of all the trash and beer bottles and coke cans..... right along with the broken chair pieces. so that is sitting out there inside the trash bins outside....... then my dad took off to go to the store he is going to make some enchilada's later on for us to eat.... he came into my room to let me know what he was up to and saw how my room is a bit of a mess and right after i cleared everything off of my dresser and all of that crap is on the bed and right along with clothes and pillows and more crap on the floor... that was when he was telling me on what he was going to fix... while i was sitting indian style infront of my bed on the carpet listening to cyndi lauper "girls just wanna have fun." while having a bottle of jack daniels by my side. i was slouching and having my head down... the television was so loud i couldn't hear my dad talk. but when i turned it down.... i heard him ask me "kendra are you depressed?" at first i nodded my head because i didn't hear him and when i turned it down he asked me again... he was all "kendra are you depressed... you nodded your head and said yes... and i thought i should ask you whats wrong." from there i shook my head no saying i'm not depressed as my eyes opened up from that questions and how i nodded my head yes when i didn't even hear him *giggles*


he was cool about everything.... even with me having JD in my room while i'm not sappossed to have it.

but i gave him a lie..... i'm not depressed though. just kind of down is all the time being. but over all good on top of everything.....

well i'm sitting here having a rum and coke. i told you that i'll wait a lil bit later untill i have a second serving of it. at the time being i've took everything off of my dresser, everything off of my computer, and everything off of my shelf.... i've dusted all of it and so i put everything back the way i had it before. right now i'm just taking a lil before i get back to doing more things to my room. the only thing that i hate to clean and dust is my entertainment system. everything else i don't mind. but i hate cleaning and dusting that the most... which is why i'm not going to do that till tomorrow. it will take me two or three days to clean my room sometimes. then i'm going to mess around with my dresser some more.... since i have some clothes that are out nothing in my dresser has anymore room for them to fit... so i'm thinking about taking everything else out and wash those clothes.... then fold them up and put in the bag for the clothes i don't wear and had them to mom and see what she will do with them. then my closet is a total NIGHT MARE i haven't cleaned that at all.... i have a shit load of clothes in there and i have some clothes that haven't been warn and still have tags on them.... then i have shit loads of pillows and blankits and boxes and crap on top of the shelf part of my closet....... when my mom gets back from the trip... her and i are both gonna tackle the closet together.... i'm afraid of that though... cause sometimes she can get bitchy while cleaning. where with me i go A-wall and get in a good mood and feel happy.

so the closet is seriously off limits and the entertainment is off limits untill tomorrow.... i need to put the jack daniel's and rum back into the bar. i'm listening to the 80's music.

80's music...ewwwwwwww

ok i know that i haven't been on the computer since on monday. but i need to take some time off and be away from it. i don't think i'm in the best of shape to be talking to people. i feel a lil crazy............

i'm afraid that i'll say some stuff to people. that i'll be regreating that i have said them to such and such people. so i don't want to do that with all of you. i'm going to prevent myself from ever fucking doing it in the first place. but i thought i should drop in a line to let everyone know not to fucking worry about me and that i'm fine. so i thought i should say something that way people don't start asking about me.

Sometimes taking a break from the computer can do you good

xx

Well just to update I was drunk on Monday went to Winnipeg Tuesday and got totally fuckin hammered!!! Woke up the next day at 7pm had a glass of water and said hello to the toilet. Then I was all better and had some good food. So Now I'm back here with all you lovely people. I hope things are good better now Kendra. I don't want you to be in a cruddy mood. Cuz you are one of the person's that makes me happy. So, you are not only fun, you make me happy too.

say what you need to say dear- I won't think any less of you.

yes that it can. when i'm not feeling all that great from within my own head... i just don't want to take my own shit out on people who don't deserve to be bitched at all for nothing. because they are not to blame for the causes of happenings..... because i hated it when people used to do that alot to me in the past. which is why i've told most of them to shut the fuck up and that FELT SOO FUCKING GOOD AND I WAS HAPPY AND THRILLED TO DEATH.... so when i'm upset and feeling crazy and i don't know how to handle people at the time i'm not well.. i have to excuse myself from hurting the people that i know who would hurt me as i have been hurt alot by a shit load of people and still do get hurt till this very day but not as bad... since i've had people that either wanted to use me or needed something from me and since i didn't let them have it they took off and so i'm alone and that is why i am the way i am... if you people say "kendra you can trust us or kendra we won't hurt you." i'd be in serious total fear... because after people have said that to me and i believed them they hurt me anyway as you can tell i'm not over that... and will never BE OVER THAT and i'm not over those people who have hurt in the past and up untill now and that is why i get crazy the way i get crazy... because i don't know who to fucking trust. i'm so used to people that are assholes in person or any where else that i know what to expect of them and that isn't anything new to me... but still i don't know if i can trust mia, fallen star, dark tiggs, lilywhitemm or who ever........

because i just don't know and don't know how to go on about knowing... maybe all of my friends are fake... as that is the way it has been all of my life... the only guy that would know is lanthros on darkforum... check up his screen and i haven't talked to him for a while...

you see he is from memphis and he was in love with my "friend" name mallory. so he went down here and left his two kids behind in memphis.... basically he wanted to move down here to be with mallory and the two of us hate it down here and couldn't believe he wanted to move down here.... i was nice enough to let mallory use my computer and talk to the guy for a couple of hourse while i got bored and felt the need to talk to my own people and i had to sit there and watch her talk to him and become seriously fucking bored to tears..... while i had problems of my own at the sametime... so while he was down here she was a stripper... mainly i thought it would be a good idea if we ll visited that place since i've been curious about all the drama i've been hearing and i've been wanting to know all of the people she has worked with from lamp lighter.... since i've been hearing all of stuff with everyone... so as we went... she had money in her hand and she wanted me to pay for him to get it.... for two people it would cost 10 bucks to get in and with the drinks as i was paying for me.... it coasted 8 bucks.... but that felt kind of weird because it felt as if he was my boyfriend instead of hers... but i was being cool about it and figured she would pay me later....


but since i've been there for two days at the strip club i've been noticing some stuff which he didn't notice and i was drunk off of my ass at the time... while i was trying my best to pay attention to everything that was around me... i noticed how something wasn't right between lanthros and mallory... i noticed that she had to be sleeping with somebody else..... but i decided to keep my mouth shut and not say anything because i wasn't sure if my thinking was correct or not..... i'll wait untill stuff happens to know if i was right on the guessing or not....

sure enough these two were living at a hotel room and she was paying for the rent on both her and lanthros... while he didn't have money, car, or a job while he was down here... but it was weird how they weren't living at the house and they had that spare room.... with nothing in that fucking room... he could of easily had a sleeping bag and he could of been able to watch mallory's mom since she has polio disease and he could of taken care of her while mallory was gone working for them both....

but since they were both at a hotel.... mallory does her disappearing tricks and she won't tell anybody anything on where she is going and who she is staying with... so people are calling people left and right... even her mother has called me and i new nothing of her disappearence and how i haven't spoken since this and that last time.....

untill one night when i was cleaning my room and dusting it... i was watching a show called daria... it was 1:30 in the morning that i have recieved a call from lanthros... while he was calling me he was asking me about mallory and i told him i new nothing of her and where she has been since i to have been also trying to get a hold of her.....

this guy sounded depressed on the phone.... that day was his birthday as a matter... all he wanted to do while he was down here was spend a lil time with mallory and have her all to him self..... that was when she made her self disappear... to where nobody has known anything about nothing.... also that guy was getting kicked out of his hotel room because he needed money to pay the rest.... so they allowed him to have one phone call..... so he called up this one chick that mallory used to date at lamp lighter and her name was raya... her and her boyfriend picked him up just as soon as they were gonna kick him out of the apartment.... so both of them fed him and took care of him... by that time that was when i got a call from him at 1 in the morning from cleaning my room and watching daria and not knowing a fucking thing........

so he had me call lamp lighter to ask where she has been.... while they could have done that themselves... but i did it anyway and they told me she wasn't there and i called them back and told them what happened.

after that they all showed up at lamp lighter..... all he wanted was to know where she has been and why she wasn't there on his birthday... from there she was daiting a striper girl that she worked with at the time she was dating him... the stripper told mallory that she should have his ass thrown out there on the street.... so the bouncers escourted him out of the place and left him there like that without any money, food, or clothes..... but at least raya was there to take care of him after that... so he called everyone in memphis to let them know that he is coming home..... she didn't even buy him a bus ticket to get back home... this guy called me crying his ass off and i was doing my best to cheer him up... he said how he doesn't belong here and how he can't get a job and make her happy and blah blah blah and i was giving him so many options..... so that way he can stay here....

but i've realized that he was right and he needed to go back home and to be with his kids...... i've felt sooo fucking bad that week i just had to be alone from people... i couldn't let people talk me after that happened.... the only people that have been taking care of him while he was down here was me and raya... i lost alot of money from taking care of him but someone had to do it.... those two people were raya and i.... man i felt nothing but sadness that week and i felt the need to hide underneath my blankits from what i've experienced.....

mallory is a one messed up chick... well she was the first born... he real mother had her when she was younger and her mother like 15 or 16 at the time... when she had mallory and was giving birth... so the grandmother who has the pollieo disease ended up raising... so her real mother ended up being like a sister to her. instead of a mother..... then that same mother who had mallory has another daughter.... but she is old enough to start taking care of the other daughter instead of mallory.... mallory has always been number one.... she always had her way no matter fucking what... she was always the number fucking one......

she also cause her parents to get a devource and she didn't feel an aounce of badness between that... i mean this chick has no fucking soul and everyone that i know admires her about it.... while every single person goes away in her life while only a few stick around its like as if they envy what she has.... she can do anything and not feel an ounce of badness for anything that she does....... like she doesn't think and she doesn't think how that would make a person feel after it.... because no matter what... whatever she does she will do it and she won't feel anything and she will feel as though it has never happened in the first place....

fuck i mean carly was rolller blading her down the street.... carly had an accident and she was bleeding so that bitch said she had to go home after carly asked for a ride to get home to her mother..... still that bitch did not care but her self....

i mean for the way that she has been raised i feel sorry for.... i will learn how to sympathise with that but that will not come across as an excuse from that..... also she would do stuff that is dangerious...... like one time with me and lanthros and her we went home with these people that the two us didn't even know.... they were complete and total fucking strangers... i sat there quiet putting my arm around her and feeling very questioned liked..... i noticed how the old guy wanted to go home on the northeast side while we lived on the east side from lamp lighter.... i was whispering to lanthros in the car while i had my arm over mallory saying how i don't trust these guys and he was saying how its ok and he has a knife.... a bullet is more faster then a knife..... she claims that she has know these people alll of her life and that they were cool.... well does she know there real name and where they work and such and such? that she didn't knew and she thought i was being paranoid well SOMEONE had to fucking worry.....

heck with the guy that she knew.... i lit his cigarette just be nice... and he asked me for my name and phone number because he wanted to give 7 months worth of oral pleasure... those were the same guys she had us ride home with..... while all i did was lit his cigarettes to be polite not to get shagging going on and that is one of the main reasons why i'm not into men and why i'm worried to be around them... they are good for friend but after that... its like KEEP YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF BEFORE I SLICE YOUR FUCKINGT THROAT!!

mallory is just one messed up chick.... she can do something totally fucked up and not have a single care to what it is that she will do.... if you were to bleed or throw up she would laugh and tell you not to be such a jack ass or a total fucking idiot..... to carly and i basically if were to either throw up or bleed to death.... she would leave us.... ask lanthros on darkforum and check up his scnreen name if you don't believe me.... even though i haven't been talking to him in a while....

but yeah i don't know who to trust anymore.... anything that people would tell me if i'm pretty or people would go out with you and the such i've heard it from mallory and calry and both of them are lying......i don't think i got what it takes to get a girl in my life that would treat me right.... ok i'll shut up and i'm having jack daniel's as a couple of shots and i'm not lying... if i were to lie g igggling and laughing were to give it away....

i can not tell a lie without a form of a laughing or a giggle to give it away.....

bt i'm not a total fucked up person am i? i know i had a bounch of people that used me and needed me for something in my intire lifetime and since i wouldn't let them have on what they have been after for... they take off and never see me again.... so i need to understand that THEY ARE FUCKING GONE AND THAT I HAVE NICE PEOPLE WITH ME SUCH AS ROTTEDFAIRY, FALLEN_SATAR, MIA, TIJUANA_BANDIT , EDGE and DARK_GLASSES AND I THINK THAT IS IT..... eventhough you people are on the ocmputer that is all that really matters and that is all that really isn't much......

just don't say that i can trust and we won't hurt you..... because i'd leave fster then you can ever fucking know it... i neeed to know that i have people that seriously do love me on darkforum while i do all that i can for everyone even if i can't take care of myself that they are there for me.... THEY WON'T LEAVE ME NO MATTER WHAT!!!

like take lilywhitemm and i for example.... you know how the both of us will get into fights and after that she holds no grudges torwards me and she still loves me on top of it no matter what.... i'm used to people fighting with me and breaking up our friendship right off the bat no matter what...... while not having any type of contact with me once so ever with me and just leaving me there without any reasoning or explinations..... i want you people to prove yourself to me as i prove myself to you out of anything.....

i proved myself to mia that i would not judge her or make fun of her. but what she has to say or feel...because no matter what i would love her anyway... even if its the bad things she will tell me and i won't breath a single word out to anybody about it because i promised her that.... not only that she is a friend and i love her to death and nothing could ever make me change my mind about her or make me feel any less different about her.... the only person you should ask is rottedfairy about it and she will tell you......

nothing you can do or say would make me hate you as a person....... like i said ask rottedfairy and she wil tell you..... because i loved for anything and everything even if it was for the bad.... i stilll fucking loved her and i do love her for that and nothing will ever make me chance my love no matter how bad you may think it is or isn't..... i'll stil love you all the same

because i know for a face that nobody is perfect ok............ nobody i fucking perfect......you can be the most baddest person out there and i'll still love you for it and not treat you and differently, hate you, or even stop loving you for it...... because i'll still love you for it.... ask rottedfairy if you don't believe me.... i loved her for everything and still do lover her for it even if i don't approve of it.... i stilll love her for it.... why because i have more then feelings for the chick to begin with.... wether i'm drunk or not..... you'll be able to get all of your facts... i have real shit taste in friendshiriends.... who are greedy and don't appreaciate anything that i do for them.... while anybody that fucks me over and i become rich and powefull all the people that have known me and treated me well will live like and knds and queens.... while the pepple who don't will have to work some serious heavy duty manditory work for me... wether they like it or not..... i'll mak sure they are so poor they would of never fucked with me to begin with...

this is the only thing i'm fucked with is trust.... i'm drinking jackdankiel's so you people kmnow that its true.......

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

wow are you serious man? hehe man your still pretty taller then i am.... fuck ROCK THE FUCK ON * has a drink with fallen star*

the toaste would be

"the none evel dorer to shyshy"

as i have had enough of them and i don't know who to FUCKING trust even if they seem .like a good person... all the good persons i've "kind of known" have been shit.............


but i don't want to say that about you...... as i don't like to