well got a phone call from mallory just now. she told me that she was watching Lord of the rings on the two twin towers. and my mind has been wondering around in space and i came out and asked her "hey so what are you doing? wait you all ready told me." then she started to laugh her ass off. and then she told me a really good lesbian porno site to go to, since she got a phone call from tray... and he told her to go to www.spookyhotties.com
and she said how after she is done watching the bored of the rings movie. she is going to come on over. but she gave me two options she was all
a) do you want me to call you or b) do you want me to come by..........
and then i was quiet for a minuet... and i said... what were the options again? she laughed again, and i told her how i'm sorry, cause my mind is in the time zone... and she told me those options again. so i told her i'll go with option a.... so she is going to call me, and let me now when she is going to come over, cause last night when she came by and ringed the door bell. no one heard the door bell ring.

fuck ~puts my head down from how i wrote that~

well mallory came over, and of course got a phone call from axantha. yes we did check out that called www.spookyhotties.com and we were rating these people on there looks. that was a whole lot of fun. then on yahoo messanger which was mine, she made her own account on it, and she was talking to a guy name tray on there. and these two were getting kinky with each other, while i was talking to axantha on the phone. mallory and tray were mainly flashing each other on webcam... and i got to see everything on these two people. i saw mallory's bare ass and axantha heard me smack her ass lightly. because it was just there. that is how crazy it got.. and then axantha talked to mallory on the phone for a while, cause mallory was getting curious about what he was saying to me on the phone because he would make laugh. so i'll hand her the phone and let those two talk for a while....

and then i got off the phone with axantha, and he told me about natalie and jay... with the kind of problems they are having, and i'm not going to talk about that on here. cause its no ones buisness.... so i said bye to him...

then after i got off the phone with axantha, mallory just got finished saying goodbye to tray. and then she logged off of my computer. and so her and i layed back for a while feeling tired.. cause its getting hot here in el paso...

then between mallory and i... things got even more crazier... and god i'm blushing and turning really fucking red here!! i did this stunt in my parents house and in my own room.

i figured that since mallory is a stripper and she dances... i asked her if she could dance for me...... cause i wanted to know if i could feel aroused to her dancing on me or not... and before she got started with this... she dimmed the lights down a bit. and then she picked typo o' negative... so i put that cd in my sterio... then it started to play a song... and then she had me sit down in a chair... and she was all naked and had her thong underwear on. then she rubbed her tits in my face and she was ridding me, and she put her leg over my god dam shoulder... then i started to lick her chest, cause at that i was so tempted to and she fucking let me!! and then she grabbed my hands and had my hands on put on her body...

while this dancing was going on for me, my face was turning seriously red... like red as a fucking cheery.... but once she had my face in her tits, and how she was riding me, and how she had her leg put on to my shoulder.... i didn't feel aroused. and that is why i wanted her to dance for me... to see if she could make me feel aroused or not... but she didn't make me feel aroused... my face only turned red.

then after the dance was over. i just fucking sat there in my chair thinking "how come i didn't feel aroused?" so once when i was thinking about... i came out and asked her what i was thinking about. and then mallory said well maybe its because your not ready yet, or you haven't found the right person to give you a lap dance. but if you had a bounch of women around you, then you'd feel aroused...

and with that comment of hers... i sat there in my chair shaking my head in a yes kind of a way really fast.. and i was blushing of course.. then she started to laugh...

i told her that she should take me to her strip club. so i could still find this stuff out.. she will take me when she isn't working, so i wouldn't have to sit by my self.. and she said that women will dance for other women.. so i could mess around with that department... and find out from there..


but i feel a little messed up... because i did this in my parents house and in my room.. but they were asleep, so it was all perfect. and i mainly did this out of curiousity, and that was all it was... it was all from curiousity.. so you shouldn't feel guilty about that. curiousity is alot different then guilt, and they both mean different things... but since that was my first fucking strip dance... it felt so god dam good... and my first action of course.

so to get used to this... i told her whenever i feel depressed, i'll have you do a strip dance for me... then she said there ya go.... and that is what i'll do... but i still liked what happened, but not where it happened... that is what is making feel a little guilt...

but who says that parents have to know? that is because they don't have to know, and they will never know... and what i do is my personal buisness... like with this for instance, this was my personal buisness....

cause i wanted to know if i could feel aroused from that strip dance or not. man i'm still shocked how i wasn't aroused... maybe she was right i may need other females to do a strip dance. and once when i find one that is totally hot and knows how to do this kind of a thing pretty well... then i'd feel aroused and that is what i'm thinking.... so don't worry about me, and i'll be ok... and on the other hand i'm happy..... i had an evil smile.

i can tell that in the future since i don't do anything, i can tell that i'm seriously going to be a wild one... i can so see that too..... well it is 1am and so i'm tired and need some sleep. i'm still listening to type o' negative...

wow this shit happened for the first time WOW!!

i'm thinking about how if you were to be with a person... yet that person is just like you in every single way... can you imagine turning your self into liquid and being able to get inside that other person, and to being able to live inside that person all the time? if people could do that, i think that with the two energies that people have, and yet the other person went through that other person by liquid form... that one person would serioiusly feel whole, and have twice the streangth and energy... that person might be able to run a better life. and that person would be twice as healthy, depending on how the other person is taking care of there body, mind, spirit, and soul... and they could fix everything that is wrong with this one person on the inside as well as outside. and if you could live in them long enough, just incase you don't like your life, and don't want to be apart of it anymore... you could just be the other person instead. but you'll still be apart of alive and living life of course. and if this shit could actually happen, i don't think the world would be so over fucking populated as it is right now. because people are tranfering them selves into other peoples bodies in liquid form.

actually that would be pretty dam neat if that could happen, and it would feel like as if your.... um i don't know like, your watching alex mac or some shit...

and that would cure alot of people who are having sickness and such going on about them...

and they also have a choice not to live inside that person, once when they are ready enough to go back to being them selves again as a person, and choose to live there own life instead of someone elses, then could happen as well... its not like your gonna be trapped inside there body forever... that is only if you want to..

but i don't know if that could seriously whipe out the person who is showing from the outside...... since they have two energies going on about them at the sametime, and having to feel it..... you now? i think with this kind of an imagination i have, it would be known as science... i'm judging from the liquid being known as science when people turn them selves into that, to fit inside another human being....

and again i am not on drugs... kendra just has a really weird imagination is all.....

well spend an afternoon with my brother kevin. and i'm fucken drunk off of my ass right now..... we went to smokes, big daddies, and some gothic rocker bar... but like no one was in it... and axantha called me when i got home form the bar. and he could tell that i was fucken drunk, and he could he me sluring my words....
~puts head down for a while~
i had to be honest with axantha that i was drunk....fuck i wacked my head over the keyboared when i rested my head down. i feel like i'm gonna throw up or something........


ok i'm seriously drunk here. and my eyes are all glacy eyed and the room is spinning around. and i have my head resting on my cmp[iter cdesk and i'm fucken passing out here.l... i'm drunk and i'm not kitting.....

~passes out on the floor~ :sleep@:

fuck axantha is gonna call me back and i'll be passed out..... i'll talk to him tomorrow... i need to sp[end somettime in the bathroom i'm fucked the hell up

Nevermind...Fuck what i was going to say...It doesnt matter. Goodbye!

look all i did was go out with my brother kevin last night. he took me out to a bar, because he didn't let me spend a day with him on a saturday. and its been a while since i went out and had fun.... you should at least be happy for me about that...... and i had fun last night except for when i got sick, that part was not fun at all... but why are you so upset with me? what did i do to you? you get angry with me alot........ and that is not a good sign. and i feell the more you get angry at me, one day you are going to leave me for good......

kevin stopped by at the house yesterday. and i was watching a howard stern movie... he came into my room and said "kendra do you want to go out and have a beer with me?" then i came out and said "yes."
so i put on my boots and i was all ready dressed, and i was all ready to go.... took my pack of cigarettes with me. my brother kevin and i were making bird sounds with the other birds that were outside cheerping away... gave him a smoke and i had one, and then we took off to the bar as we got into the car... and as we were driving to a bar, he was all "kendra you seem a little happy, and your at least talking to me for once. what has been going on?" and then i told him that i've been having an interesting time..... i told him about my friend mallory staying over at my house...... and how her and i were looking at gothic porno together, and how she was talking to a guy name tray on webcam, and how they were both flashing each other, and how she ended up giving me a strip dance at my parents house and in my own room.... and i told him about dannie's music box, and how i have guitar lessons on a friday at 5:30PM....

once when i mentioned to him about the things mallory and i have been doing, he was shocked as all crap... and very saprized too... and asked me questions about mallory... i told him mallory is actually a stripper, and she is working at a place called "tequilla sunrise." and that is the place she strips at.... and my brother kevin was all "oh no wonder why you are happy and talkative. you lucky bitch... and at least you got more action then what i did last night."

so we got to the bar... and i was totally free spirited with my self, and i had smiles going on.... we started off with a beer, three mixed drinks, and four shots of something, can't remember what i had... but after going to those three bars and having all of those drinks, i let him now that i was feeling drunk, and i think i should stop drinking... and so he took me home....

and as he was taking me home. he called his friend name danny.... he told danny about what happened in my room and such, and danny was with his wife at the time... and he was also shocked and saprized about what happened with me.... and he laughed his ass off about it... after he was telling him about my situation... and he was saying to danny "hey since we all now that my sister is gay. and since we love her and care about her. and want to now about it as well.. we should take my sister to tequilla sunrise, and have the both of us go with her....

so i was just sitting there laughing and feeling loved by kevin and danny.... so that is another excitting thing which is going to happen to me.....

and i'm feeling better from what i did last night... and of course i'm still happy actually... and have been ever since the lap dance thing happened.

all though i've never been to tequilla sunrise though, and now i'm all curious about it.... so him and danny are going to take me....... good i get to get out of the house.

so this is what happened.

i want everyone to listen!

i now how much people care about me around here. i now how much people love me around here. i now how much people want the best for me around here. and most of all i now how much people really want me to be happy around here. so i'm going to sit here and thank you people for wanting me to have all of these things.... but we all now that kendra isn't happy, and that she is depressed... but you can't force her to be happy... cause once when a person seriously wants you to be happy, and in all honesty your not happy... its like as if people are trying to force me to BE happy... cause when i'm not happy i do things which you people don't like me to do. then that would upset you people and cause you to get angry at me... and the more you get angry at me, i have a feeling that one day some of you might end up leaving me, because they've had enough of my crap.... i have been getting things happening to me in my life right now... and of course i am a little happy, but not all the way happy yet... its like as if i'm climbing a ladder to happiness at the moment, and just now i've stepped on two steps on climbing that ladder, and so i'm NOT at the top of the ladder yet..... but don't force that upon me, and i don't want people leaving me, because i can't be happy like how they seriously want me to be happy... for how they have gotten tired of my crap. let KENDRA BE HAPPY ON HER OWN!! and she is getting there... she all ready took two small steps on that fucking ladder... its going to take her sometime to climb the rest of it... and if you can't accept this about kendra.. then what the fuck are you doing as my friend? if you can't accept this about her, then hey there is a door and i'm not going to stop you from leaving. if you want to leave me then fine go a head...but if you love kendra and accept that she isn't happy, eventhough i'm a little happy... but not all the way happy yet, and accept what she does, when she isn't happy.... and never turn your back on her for it... and be a friend to her no matter what... then you don't have to leave through that door...

but you can't force someone to be happy, when they are depressed... everyone has there own shit they need to work on and deal with. but let kendra work on being happy for her self. don't force this upon her... and if you can't handle me anymore, then there is the door, and you are free to walk out that door and never come back...

but please just stop it...... just fucking stop it.. i'm all ready crying right now..

but if you accept me as a person. and everything about me as a person, and everything about my depression and my feelings such as sadness, angry, and feeling tired alot. you must accept all of these things, and love me as a person and a friend. and also accept that i smoke and drink and do other. and still love me for it.

besides when have i ever turned my back on you? that is right i've never turned my back on you for anything. and never will. so i expect you to do the samething for me...

but please let me be happy on my own, and don't force that upon me... that would make me feel even worse as a person. like if people want you to be happy.. and you can't be happy... that would make you feel like a failer to your friends. and it would make you feel like as if you can't leave this unhappiness stage. because of that....

It had nothing to do with that....

what am i doing to you that is so terrible? you haven't been nice to me... and you've been treating me bad..

read your PM....

thank you for sending this to me through a private message.

i was walking around tonight with a friend of mine name mallory.... we came across a house where a couple of people were chillen out infront of the house, and partying at arounnd 12 midnight...... i've found out from mallory that they party every single night... and they do this mainly all the time.... since mallory went back home. a part of me wants to go back and kick it with these people, and another part of doesn't want to walk over there.... so tomorrow night mallory and i are going to go over there and hang out....... i still remember this one chick sitting in a chair with a blankit on her lap, and she was smoking a cigarette..... can't get her image out of my head.... then i have this other guy in my head as well. the one mallory and i were talking to... i made him laugh a few times... so once when i'm bored and have nothing better to do. i'll go over there to hang out and get to now some people over there... these people were around my age... can't believe they always party this late at night infront of there house. well that shows you how great el paso is....but tomorrow night i want to kick it over there and have fun.

Hello honey!

With regard to your PM last night. Do you still want me to go ahead, as I noticed you've used this since the request.

Tried to PM you, but it seems I can't for some unknown reason.

xx

hello sweet thing. yes go for it...

k - sweets xx

Worried that Shy keeps up starting journals then asking for them deleted.. I'm ok to do this so many times right?