The Look
Q: I saw a goth and his hair was really big. How did he do that?
In the U.S. we call it teasing, and in the U.K. they call it backcombing. Go ask a Texas housewife how to do it. You also need to buy crimpers. Blow the $20 (L12) -- you really don't have a choice. Tell 'em Andrew sent you.
Q: Do I have to dye my hair?
Unless your hair is already black or white or purple or red, yes you do. We recommend Clairol Natural Instincts, color #36 Midnight, but it's really hard to bleach out.
Q: That makeup sure looks hard. How did he/she do that?
What, you don't know where eye pencil goes? (Hint: on your lips.) There's only one way to learn to do makeup: practice, practice, practice. And don't go out in public wearing liquid eyeliner until you know what you're doing. And for god's sake, your face isn't a notepad. Stop doodling all over it. You look like an idiot when you do that.
Q: But can't I draw those cute little curly-q's around my eyes?
That depends. Do you wear glasses? If not, the answer is no. If so, the answer is an emphatic no. It looks stupid. The goal is to look good. If you look like you have a skin disease from forty paces, you're not doing it right.
Q: I just got some whiteface!
That's great! Are you going to clown school? I once knew a mime who had a great routine where at the very end he had someone ... oops, sorry, this is about goths. We wear foundation and powder, not whiteface. If you must wear it, blend it at the chin.
Q: I got some black clothes, but people still make fun of me at goth clubs.
One of these days we're going to print up some T-shirts that say, "Just because you're wearing black doesn't mean we like you," and we promise that we'll make fun of you when you ask us where we got them. Are the clothes cool? Or does it look like you went shopping with your mom, and threw away anything that wasn't black? Next time someone makes fun of how you dress, examine their clothes and try to imitate it. Did you look at those album covers like we told you? It's really not all that hard, it just takes some thought and a few trips to the store -- without your mom.
Q: I got this kick-ass brown cape --
Stop right there. The cape is lame, and brown is lamer.
Q: Is it okay to wear a skirt and makeup if I have facial hair?
Actually, that question is not frequently asked. We just wish it were, because we certainly see enough people who should have asked it before they went out and embarrassed themselves. The answer is no, you should not wear a skirt or makeup with facial hair. It looks creepy, like a weird hillbilly drag queen or something.
Q: Now that I've read all your suggestions, what can I do? Can you give me any personal advice?
No, we can not. We are not in the business of giving personal fashion advice. In fact, if you are in need of personal fashion advice, you should not be a goth at all. It is a very intricate and complex look, and requires much time in front of the mirror. It is very important that you be able to make decisions about your own look. You can not depend on other people to tell you how to dress. Also, you can not depend on stores to have a "gothic clothes" section -- buying your wardrobe will probably take many visits to stores you wouldn't expect to shop in. There is often a gem in a store that you wouldn't expect to find anything good in. Building up your wardrobe to something respectable will probably take a long time -- months, or even years. And most importantly, please do not send us e-mail asking us how you should dress. This especially applies to all of those people who seem to want personal, individual advice about how to dress. Please don't send us messages asking for personal advice. We have neither the time nor the interest in making you gothic.
Q: Someone told me that it doesn't matter how you dress, as long as you're goth on the inside.
I'll bet that person looked like a potato. Did they have a big pasty potato face, with a huge potato ass and stumpy potato legs? You were probably talking to a net.goth, and they say stuff like that to make themselves feel better for being fatasses.
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