itz spelled "deceit"
well hell~o there mrs. (or is it miss) white....proff. plum and mrs. peacock and everybody else is waiting for you in the conservatory.....ah, nevermind...
ok, but seriously.....um, there are a lot of "you's" and "your's".....a lil' too many.....in any piece, repetition of any word can severely kill it....i realize that the narrator is talking to someone else; like as in a letter, but i just thought there were one too many....there's a total of 22....doesn't sound like a lot, but it does seem it....at least to me
also, i don't know how i quite feel about the structure....it starts out one way with the first three lines, but then it goes off in this letter format.....i kinda like the letter format idea, but the rhyme-schemes and flow/meter within the piece overall call for a more poetic structure.....
also, in speaking of the rhyme schemes, everyone here knows i despise them with such great passion that i feign
, but in your piece i can easily explain why rhyme scheme isn't the way to go......this piece is a dramatic piece, itz sad, s'posed to sound sad, s'posed to make me sad, the overall tone of the poem is sadness....but the rhyme scheme gives it this whimsical
YEEEEEE! tone......the rhyming makes it too upbeat and contradicts the meaning and what should be the tone of the poem....
over all, i did enjoy it on some level....i think there's room for improvement however.....nonetheless, i give ya a scratch n' sniff sticker....
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