Orphan

I am alone
Unwanted
And Unloved
Sold to the highest bidder
Sold for ten dollors

I was beaten
Raped
And starved

I was sold for the night
And painted like a doll.
Exotic blue eyes
Ruby red lips
Midnight curls
Held tight with a white ribbon
Dressed in virgin attire
And sold for the night

The slobbery kisses
And dirty hands
Caressing my legs
My face
My arms
And breasts
Tracing the scars
From old beatings
Tracing the signature of my life

Worked like a slave
Called many names.
Bitch
Whore
Dog
Sarah
Angie
Love
Baby
Never my own
Always their love's name.

I've been a princess
I've been a Queen.
I've been a merchant
I've been a dream
I've been a star
I've been a model
I've been your mother
I've been your daughter

For most of my life I have been shipped around
I've been called worthless
And sold for a pound.
I've been told I am nothing
Yet I'm the best in town.

Finally I'm free
I ran away.
He had started to hit
And there was a knife
He never stopped
And neither did I
Soon he was begging for his life
As I kept weilding that knife.
With his last breath
My slashing came to a rest

I sleep with no one now
Not one more man will feel my touch
I live in hiding
No one knows where.
I am wanted for murder
But I don't care.
Judge me if you must
And justify my wrong
But if I could do it over again
I would have done it sooner
And made it last longer
For the pain in his death
Will never match the pain in my life.

My soul is empty
Alone
Distant
Extinct
No longer y own.

Extinguished
Like a flame
Of a candle
On a windy day.

Forever lost
Forgotten
Never replaced.

I am barren
And bare
Hard
And cold
Never to be saved
Or loved
Or hated
Or anything
I'm nothing
I'm foreign to myself
I'm dead
But living
And breathing
My heart still beating
Though no heart exists.
I lingure here
Waiting....
To be no more.

I am not normal
I am not like you
I have a gift
Quite unlike that of you
I can see in to the future
I know the past
I can tell what you are thinking
I know how you laugh

This is something I've always known
Something I've always had.
This is something I soon learned
That others thought was bad.
I first learned of it
When I was very young
I thought my imaginary friends were always fun
I played with kings and princesses
Peasants and angels
Even a little boy who said he lived in my house first.
I thought nothing of this
Until the day
I had a sleep over
And my friend seen my imaginary friends too.
I learned that day that they weren't imaginary at all
But were once alive
But now were dead.

That was just the first
I knew what people were thinking
Even though they never said it out loud
I heard it in my head
As loud as you hear the voice of someone speaking.
Everyone thought I was weird
When I would respond to what they had thought in their head.
I knew when people would die
Before they even knew they were sick.

I know when people wanted to die
Even though they would always smile
And never cry
I know when people were lieing
Or who raped that girl
Who murdered that man
Who set the bomb at school
Who snuck in that gun.
Who always packed a hidden knife
Who beat their wife.
What kids were beaten
Molested
And abused
Who cheated on their test
Who was pregnant
If it was a boy or girl
This is just some of what I know.
Some times I see it in pictures
Some times I hear it by a voice
Some times it is just a feeling
Some times I have no choice
But either way it is something I will always know.

You may think I'm crazy
You may think I'm strange
But some of you will understand me
And identify with what I say.
I know not everyone can do this.
I understand the reason for that.
Not everyone can handle the voices,
The pictures
The dispair
The anger
Or the truth
Of what people really are
What they really think.
They can't handle walking into a building
And seeing everyones lives,
Their pain
Their futures
To be in such a battering ram
Of thoughts and feelings
Of pain and remorse.
Our nation is not happy
Our neighbors are not always pleasant
And nobody
Nobody ever is who they say they are.
Everyone of us hides part of us
Some times they hide it even from themselves.
If you do not know what I mean
Or understand what I am saying
Then you do not have the gift to understand
How people really are
And who people really are.

For those of you who know
Who understand my words
Then have courage
And strength
And know you are not alone
And the right person can change the world
That we are given these thoughts
This sight to help others
Who may not be as strong as we
To help guide them
When it is too dark for them to see
The path that they need to be on
And we can give them the strength to continue on.

The way you laugh at me
Tears my soul
For I know things
You will never know.
The way you smirk at my remarks
Reminds me of the words you harp
It shows me that you have a closed mind
And that you don't smile to be kind.

They way you see things differently from me
Makes me so angry
For I now know that you are blind
And it is the truth you don't reallize.

For the world is no safe haven
But instead a mixture of dungeon's and dragons
And well you laugh at my insight
I will cry for you because I know I'm right.

The way you shrug of my words
And tune me out without a thought
This enrages me to no end
For I know know this is the beginning of the end.

You are a stupid fool
One which can be used as a tool
In anything that you don't know
For this is how the innocent will go.

And one day you will realize
That you are not in paridise
And you will see what I do
The only difference is it will be to late for you.

But then you will be lost
And I will counting you on
Having already payed the cost
And your soul shall be lost.

And so you laugh at me
But one day you will see
The truth of how the world really is
And I will have the last laugh.

You will come to me and ask
How could I have been so blind
And I will laugh as I reply
You figure that out
You have the time.

The pityful whimper of my sisters cry
Control's the evil gleam in my eye
The knawing beast awakens in me
It's painful claws rip inside of me
My arms tremble in my tattered t-shirt
I look at what is in my frail hand.
Something to make me strong
The black shininess of life
The cold steal heavy upon my flesh
A roar is heard in my head
My eyes are closed for a moment's time
My fingers clenched.

"Stay here" I say to my sister
I walk up to the door
My footsteps condeming me with every step
My arm hidden at my bony side
My other hand reaches for the door.
My eyes glace at my sister's face
Tear trails stain her guant cheeks
She stands huddled against the wall
Barely able to support her own weight.
Merely a shaddow in the light
I go inside.

Smells of packaged food, cleanliness, and warmth assult my senses
The clerk frowns at my appearance
"uhmmmmm, we are closed now,"
My arm lifts
The cold steel warms as it sights its target
"Don't shoot, take whatever you want."
Now I can stay I think with twisted humor
My eyes drift shut
My fingure twitch
My ears explode
Hear nothing, see nothing.

Not so clean now
This floor stained red
I grab food, bitting through the plastic
To get to what's inside.
I goarge myself on things I don't taste.
I bag food, gum, candy, pop, and juice
Look towards the cash register
Then at the cashier
The beast now contained
The gapping hole is now his chest
His eyes vacant and cold
Terror forever printed there.
I grab the cash over the counter
My eyes never change
It could be no other way
That's what my buddy taught me,
He died last week.

I leave the store
And the dead
Walk towards my sister
And hand her a bag
She tears into it
Just as I had done
A savage beast is shown
She eats like so until she is full.

Then together we move on
Away from the light
Alive for another day
The beast put to slumber once again
And slip into the shaddows.

I love to walk at midnight
The shaddows are my friends
The night time noises my lulabies
There is no color
Everything is shaded grey
There is no features
No distinguishing traits
There is no false pretense
This is where I feel safe.
The real world is seen at night
No delusions or rose colored glasses to be found
They are all asleep
Safe and Sound
The violence hidden in the dark alleys
Can be heard blocks away
The trails are bare of tortured innocence
The truth is for all to see.

I love the shaddows
What treasures are hidden there
They make you invincable
All who are around unaware
They allow the hunter to hunt
They supply the advantage
They hide the rabbit
Or the gun.
They muffle the curse
They can ruin the fun.
They hide the danger
The hunter now hunted
The game now not fun
The muffled footsteps,
See how the hunter now runs.

Life is funny this way
Hidden threats are supplied
Not noticed in the day
I chuckle to myself
As I silently slip away.

Now lay me down to sleep
May my dreams take me far
Away from these creul arms
Which choke the life from my lungs
Bruise my flesh with their thumbs
And steal my spirit from my soul.
These creul arms that lock me in
And keep the world out
Controls the phone and the house
Controls the food
Which upon I choke
Controls my mouth
Which never complains
Controls which bruises are seen that day.

I long for the void
A blessed release
For the final caress
Which will set me free.

He is mad today
The air leaves my lungs
A creul smile lights upon his lips
For he knows what to do for fun
The only sound to be heard
Is flesh upon flesh
For I utter not one sound
Not even in death.
As my life pools at my feet
My flesh missing and exposed
A smile of delight stretches upon my cold lips
For tonight I got my wish.

The sound of children playing
So loud they are.
I know they are a few hundred yards away
Still I hear them
Even through the wall of the school
"Catch me if you can"
Yes, catch him, if you can.
I sit here in my desk
A prison of smooth wood and metal
A flat surface
Large enough for a pillow
Just the right height
But forbidden

I imagine other children
With oily uncut hair of different colors
Blonde, brown, red, black,
Whatever that means.
Rosy cheeks
Warm to the fingure tips
Running around a confusing maze of bars
And planks.
Laughter and shrieks meet my ears.

The faintest wish to belong
To be amoung them
To be part of them
But that to is forbidden.
To feel the wind,
Taste the air
Hear the sounds of life around me.
Not muffled but to be there.
But that to is forbidden.
I might trip on one of those planks,
Or hit my head on one of those metal bars
Or be bumped by one of those children
The same children who lead the forbidden life

Instead I sit here
Waiting.
Waiting for the bell to call back the laughing children
To stop that forbidden life
I sit here
Where I am safe from harm
Where I don't need to be watched
Where I can't hurt myself or get confused
Where I am locked in this prison of wood and metal.
Where I am forgotten.
Hidden away in a dark lonely corner
Out of sight
Out of mind.
How I long for a pillow.
Even a flat one.

A tinkling noise drifted down the hall
He is here again.
I leave my room quickly
Eagerly hoping to see Him again.
I hug the walls of the desolate halls
Not seen by any
But the silent shaddows
That follow me everywhere
They disappear with daylighht
And are only around when He is near.
When no one else is around to see them
Or Him.
Down the steps
Instinctively missing the ones that creak.
My feet, familar with the path
Pick the quickest and quietest way down
I pass through the kitchen
Barely glancing at the butcher knife
He will not harm me
He loves me
He promised to never leave me
And hasn't.

I clutch my house coat closer
Toward away the chill
The icy fingure which creap under the door
He promised to fix that
I glance in the mirror
Fix my hair
I want to look beautiful for Him.

I step into the dimly lit room
Frantically glancing around
Looking, Seeking, Hoping for sight of Him.
Yet I know he will not show Himself to me.
He never does.

Finally I look at the piano
The main focus of the room
There, as everynight before it...
A single candle, just lit.
A red rose across the pearly white and black keys
My music book open
With a note,
Carefully placed infront of it.

My feet sink into the lush carpet
I approach the piano
My eyes squinting to read the words
Written in a handwritting
That I know as well as my own
My heart starts pounding as I read
Play for Me
It's silent, I am calm
It is the same words everynight
I slip the card into my pocket
And play the requested piece.

It's His favorite song
Filled with love, anguish and a sense of forever.
He always loved this song
And requests it often
My fingers find the notes on their own
My eyes are closed
Everything is still.
Only my fingers move.

At last He comes
A whispered endearment reaches my ears
The icy touch of death
Which is now His against my arm.
His comforting presence behind me
I don't turn to look,
I want to, but don't.
To do so would break the spell
Instead I continue to play
Savoring every precious moment.
I long to drag out the notes,
To keep Him with me Longer
But the song comes to an end.
And He leaves.
"Good night My love," I whisper.
"Till tomorrow," is the reply.

I go back upstairs
My heart heavy
The creaking stairs echoing loudly
Hurting my ears
Back to my room
Where I close the door
Alone but for my shaddows
And return, for another night
To an empty bed.

A quivering child of five
Shivering in a dark, lonely coner
Despirately she trys to muffle all sound
Yet she can't even manage that
Every sob and sniffle
Has her frantic eyes screaming across the room.
She reminds you of a battered animal
Afraid to be alone
Yet afraid to be noticed
Trying to lick her bleeding and bruised flesh
While watching everything all at once.

You carefully approach her
Unnoticed yet by her
As you get closer you see
Her body jerking with silent sobs
Her face red with effort to hold in any noice
Which might betray her hiding place
Even in the dim light
The fresh bruises and swollen flesh is noticable
The finger prints left their mark
On her throat and arms
Her hair is tangled and missing in some places.

Her whole body stiffens
Fearful eyes lock with yours
She knows you are there
Softly you croon to her
"It's ok, I won't hurt you,"
You approach her slowly
Noticing the frail body try to melt into the wall.

"Don't be afraid, I won't hurt you.
I just want to tell you a story."
You sit down a few feet from her
And look at her, waiting for a reply
Finally a curt nod comes.

Quietly, so not to scare her, you tell her your story. There once was a girl who was always being picked on. This girl would often be playing by herself, being good and a mean boy would come and hit her for no reason. At first the mean boy would only hit her once or twice and then leave her alone. Then he would only hit her until she cried, then until she would bleed. Until finally, this mean boy had gotten away with hurting this little girl that he would beat her until she was bleeding and hurt very badly. The little girl would always say that she fell down the stairs, or out of bed, or hurt herself while playing. Never telling that it was the mean boy who hit her. One night, the little girl went to bed and had a dream. She dreamt that the mean boy beat her so badly that she died. Then she woundered around and seen everyone crying and seen how many people loved her and missed her now that she was dead. Then she seen a little girl who was similar to her age, sitting under a tree, quietly playing with a doll. Then the mean boy came up and started to hit the little girl and then ran away. Day after day, the mean boy hurt the little girl, first until she cried, then bled, then until she was very badly hurt. When the little girl woke up from her dream she was very scared. She didn't want to die, nor let the mean boy hurt anyone else. She laid back down and thought out a plan. The next morning the little girl went down the stairs and to school. Her teacher asked her "What happened? Did you fall out of bed again?" "No there is this very mean little boy who has been hurting me. I never told on him because I was afraid that he wouls hurt me even more. But if I don't stop him then he might hurt another little girl and I don't want anyone else to get hurt." The teacher gave the little girl a big hug and told her that she had done the right thing and that the mean boy wouldn't hurt her anymore. The little girl was very lucky. But she realized that if she hadn't told someone about the mean boy hurting her, then he still might be hurting her now or someone else.

The child had moved closer to you
Leaning forward slightly
Hanging off of every word
Where before there had been only fear in her eyes
Now there was hope.
You lean forward and ask the girl
"Do you understand the story?"
She nods her head solemnly
And opens her mouth to say something
Then her father walks into the room.
"Come on child, I'll not wait for you 1 more min."
The fear flashes back in her eyes
She jumps up and limps out after her father
Shoulders slumped.
Head down.
Hope gone.

Weeping willow why you weep?
Weeping willow watch my sleep.
Guard my dreams from my night fears
In the morning I'll wipe away your tears.
Weeping willow with branches so broad
You take on the world with no thought of harm
Your leaves dangle so long and delicate
So frail, yet so strong
With a life time of secrets hidden amoung them.

Weeping willow where I play
Weeping willow comfort on a rainy day
Branches sway gently
Left and right
Wiping away the proof of our presence
From anyone's sight
Our footstep are gone
Collected by your branches
Memories from the past.

Weeping willow why you weep?
Weeping willow watch my sleep
Guard my dreams from my night fears
Stand by me, through all the years.

How she suffers
How she cares
How she seems to always be there.
I try to protect her
Show her how much I care
I try to shelter her
From all the harm that is there.

I can only do so much
Is it really enough?
In the long run is it worth it?
Or am I doing more harm then good?

I know how innocent she is
I know how pure her heart is
I know her child-like nature
I know the love that is in everything she touches
I know how she suffers
I know of her pain
I know of how she loses her life
A little day after day.

She is so delicate
She is so small
Yet, she has a kingdom of love for all.

I need her so much
And she is always there
And yet I wonder,
Is this how I show I care?

I know of her pain
Yet I ask that she remain
I know of her hardships,
Yet I still ask her to fight.

I am selfish in wanting her to stay
But I am forgiven,
For that is her way.
Every bad day that she has
I lie to her by saying it won't last.
Tomorrow will be better
Just rest now,
Let is pass.
But it is not getting better
Though she valantly fights everyday
Each day gets harder for her.
The pain grows greater.
But the love still remains.

How can I ask her to stay?
When I know she wishes to go away.
But how can I let her go?
Even though I already know
For her, the pain will be gone
And my life will continue on
But it will never be the same.....


This poem was written for my mom who is dieing of cancer. I love you mom and I understand.

As cold as death
Awaiting the warm touch
The searing hands and lips
Life giving heat awakens
A pale corpse
Lonely and dead
With a fresh start
A new chance breathed into me
I awaken....
New and finally
Whole.

Somewhere in the past
A sorrow that was born
A burden upon my shoulders
A symbol I have always worn.
The lesson it has taught
For the services it bought
The truth has been lost
But the understanding remains
This is a debt
The price I still must pay.

The silence that surrounds me
The hurt that is deep inside
The confusion is hidden there
By the heart that needs repair.

The lies that have been told
For the truth is much worse
Why must I be the one
Stuck within this silent curse.

How can I continue on?
How can I survive it?
How can I keep living in this living lie?

When is it my turn?
When am I to know?
When can I be myself,
No matter who is home?

Gurgling, gasping, silence.
Mommy's body which once twisted and shook
Now is motionless and still.
No! No! NO!
I scream silently in my head.
My mind not able to understand.
The fear! The confusion!
Tears which come and cloud my vision.
She was ok before.
Why did she fall?
Why did she shake?
Why is she so still?
I look at my small 5 yr old hands.
The T.V. has mommy's soap on it.
Someone else is still too....
My hands reach out to touch my mom.
Mimicking what the man did on T.V.
I don't have the things the man is holding.
It won't work!
Yes it will!
I press my hands on mommy's chest.
Trying to push my life into hers.
My mind no longer confused and scared.
Empty of all but one thought.
Live mommy, Live mommy, Live mommy..
Chanting it,
Preying it,
Ordering it,
Willing it.
She twitches
Gasping reaches my ears over my roaring blood
She rolls over to her side, coughing
Her eyes were cloudy and confused.
The man on the T.V. starts crying
I glance back at mommy
Her eyes cleared as they meet mine.
It's ok mommy, I'll take care of you.
The promise made
The understanding clear.
The roles reversed.
It's ok mommy, I'll take care of you.

I lay in my bed
Still as a mouse
Freigning sleep
The footsteps are heard
Quietly as a cat
My bedroom door opens.
My eyes clench shut.
SLEEP!
He is above me now.
His hand brushes some hair off of my face.
Caresses my cheak
Down the arc of my neck
And lower.
Eyes fly open.
To see him smiling at me
All but with his eyes, which are cold
I knew you weren't asleep
I knew you would wait for daddy to come
Your my girl
He tickles my side.
I involuntarily giggle and squirm.
My blankets kicked off.
He tickles my knee
Then up further.
My laughter stops.
I turn my head away.
Staring at my wall
One tear escapes me.
I envy that tear.
I no longer prey that it will be over soon.
I know better now.
His fingure are rough and painful
Like sandpaper.
His groans loud to my ear.
Then he grabs my hand.
Placing it where his once was.
Making it mimick his movements.
It burns my hands
Which hurt from being squeezed so hard
Skin to skin
My eyes vacant at the wall.
Not a word
Can't say a word.
Maybe he won't stay.
Daddy loves me doesn't he.
Doesn't he?
He convulses.
My arm aching
Tired from the forced speed.
His fingures leave
Pinching me on the way out.
He kisses my forehead.
Breathing raggedly.
Goodnight baby, I'll see you tomorrow.
I don't move.
His steps leave the room.
Shutting the door softly.
I lay still.
Still as a mouse.
A dead mouse.
Just sleep.
I just need to sleep.
Tomorrow will be different.
I won't remember tonight.
Just sleep.

The red flickers quickly
Flames greedily eating all that they touch
Always reaching for more.
Never full
Never done.
The roar of their voices deafening me.
Coming closer.
Get her, Get her, Get her,
Chanting, screaming, choking.
The blackened souls stealing my breath.
Burning my lungs.
My skin is hot, so hot.
Blistering.
Stop!
Only heard in my head.
My voice no longer there.
Still they come.
Get her, Get her, Get her
They lick at my skin
When will they stop?
Haven't they had enough?
Eat my hair.
Burn my eyes.
The pain is too much to be dead.
The darkness surrounds me.
Where was the light?
I see nothing now.
No more pain.
A sign of relief.
It was done.