I try to understand what you are thinking
I try to support all you do
I try to listen to all your stories
I try to answer all your questions
To give you the best advice
To be strong for you
I give you everything I have until I am empty
But still it is not enough.
Still you take and take
Giving nothing in return
No love
Or understanding
Not a word of thanks
Or one moment returned.
I can't always be your rock
I'm not really this strong.
There are times when I cry
Though you will never see my tears
There are times I just want to be held
Though it will never be by your arms.
There are times that I want to talk about me
Though you will never listen
There are times I just want silence
Though your voice never stops.
There are times when I want understanding
Though you never will.
I need a rock to lean on sometimes
But you are a pillow
No your not even that comforting.
Or that strong
I no longer have the strength for you
I no longer have the answers
I no longer have the hope for us
I left for a moment
Just an instant in time
And you turned to the next in line
I now know that you don't care.
And that you were never really there.
So I leave your side
Empty and cold
Distrusting and alone
Betrayed by you to the very bone
Never will I trust another the same
Never will I play this game.
And as you cast me aside so easily
I sit here harboring my defeat.
So much time and energy wasted
Never to be replaced or gained.
Never will I really see
How you could mean so much to me
While I mean so little to you.

I know what you all think
I am brave
And strong
I am smart
And talented.

I always have the answers
I always know what to do
I always know what to say

I have survived everything tossed at me
I will survive everything that will be tossed at me.
I have no need for anyone
Is this what you think?
Does it sound right?
Do you secretly wish you were me at night?
Do wish for my strength
My brains
My looks
My instincts?

I know you think, that I am self sufficient.
That I prefer to do it on my own
Just because I can.
This is what you think
This is who you know.
This is what you know.

But do you know that I am afraid
Afraid to live
Afraid to say how I really feel
Afraid to disappoint you
Afraid to not be perfect
Afraid to mess up around you
Afraid to make a mistake
Afraid to not be who you need me to be
Afraid to cry
Afraid I will never be able to stop once I start.
Afraid to be alone forever
Afraid to have someone else around
Afraid they will see my weaknesses
My mistakes
Afraid to take a risk
Afraid to live a dream
Afraid to be weak
Afraid to be strong

I know that I am not the rock you see
I know that I ache for arms to hold me at night
To hear a voice tell me it is all right to cry
To be afraid
That they will still love me
Even if I am not that strong
To tell me that I am allowed to be wrong.

This is what I know
But not what you will see
I will never tell
For this trueth will destroy the me you know
I will always pretend
And ache alone
For I like the person you know
To always be strong and brave
To never be afraid.
You see this is who I wish to be
For I don't like the real me.........

I am sorry that I am not what you want
I am sorry that I haven't learned the lessons you have taught.
I am sorry I am who I am.

I know that you wished I was different
Not so hard
Not so stubborn
Not so cold
That I gave a second chance
That I saw good in people
That I would love to laugh
That I would learn to laugh

I know you wish I was more carefree
That I liked to have people around me
I know you wish me to be happy
And to better understand you
To enjoy being others slaves
To enjoy always having to obey
To jump when commanded
To always smile and never get angry
I know you wish me to be more like you.

But I seen what you went through
How easily you cry
How fast you buy someone elses lies
How soon you forget
How you are always the last to know.
How you are so easily forgotten
And taken advantage of.
This is what I see
Now do you realize why I am like me?

I am nobodies fool
I am never lied to
Though people have tried
They failed
You fuck up once and there's the door
This is my favorite motto.
The rule of my life
This is why I will never make a good wife
There will be no fancy weddings for me
No flowers and other silly things.
This was your dream
Not mine
I will never allow myself to be walked on like you do.

I know that you are disappointed
And like to believe
That one day it will be different
That I will begin to see
How enjoyable it is to live every moment of my day
Seeing to the every whim of someone else
To be left at home
Well they go out
Don't hold your breath mother dear
For I will never be that way
Why can't you see?
That you are the fool
That they just use you as a convience tool.
I'm sorry that you are disappointed in me
That I am not who you wish me to be
But why can't you accept
That I am just me
And this is who I will always be.

So you love me do you?
And just how do you know?
You don't even know the real me
And don't think that is someone I will ever let you know.
I know how the story goes.
Girl has hard life
Gets shit on.
Kicked when she is down
And then in Walks the boy
The knight in shining armor
The one who will save me
The one who will teach true happiness.
Boy wins over girl
Boy falls in love with girl
Girl falls in love with boy
They live happily ever after
Right?
Sure it works that way
At least until boy sees next door neighbor
And Boy starts fooling around
Breaking girls heart
Into thousands of peices
Never to be repaired.
Don't like this ending?
To bad
For I have already been there.

So don't talk to me about love
There is no such thing
What's wrong?
Didn't you know about this side of me?
I thought you knew all there was to know
Boy if you think this is bad
There's the door
And you had better run
For this is just the fun part
I haven't even told you the scary stuff yet.
What's wrong boy?
Starting to have second thoughts?
I thought so
So much for your love.
:p :p

When do you want to talk to me about it?
Or better yet, where do you want to talk to me at?
Blows a kiss back.

So I flirt
WHo cares
It means nothing
No I am not going home with you
No I am not going to your house
It was just flirting
No need to get all serious
What is a matter with you?
Why don't you understand
I means nothing to me
I flirt with everyone
No I don't have a boyfriend
Why would I want one
Why should I have one
Why would I ever give someone the right to give me the third degree
Like you are.
Look I am sorry
I thought you could hack it
Handle a little banter
Give it up already
I was just flirting
No I don't think something is wrong with you
Besideds the fact that you are now harassing me
Will you give it up already.
No means no!
Alright, I tried to be nice
I tried to tell you gently
You have left me with no choice.
FUCK OFF!

So I know what I told you
That I was tough
And to strong for you
I know that I told you that love was for fools
And I believed everyone fools around
I know that I said that I had no heart to find
And that The walls were just too high to climb
The barb wire will tare at your wings
No angels will start to sing
There is no light to guide your way
That I prefer it this way.

I know this is what I told you.
That and much worse.
I laughed at your words
The look in your eyes
I laughed right in your face
Said is that your best attempt?
To steal my heart away?
Well guess what love,
It won't work today.

I know that your heart was broken.
That I made you believe that this was how I felt
That this must be the trueth.
I know that this is how it went
But baby if only you really knew
This is not how I feel
I am really quite afraid
But you actually stole my heart that day.
Though I can't tell you this trueth
For you deserve much better
Then I can ever be
I'm sorry I hurt you love
But one day you will thank me.
I know you won't understand it right now
But one day you will learn why
I lied.

My dreams are my own
What makes you think that you will know
What I am thinking
Or who I am
What I long for
Or where I begin.
I love to sing And dance in the rain
I love the wind
And love to play
With fire and heights
Dreams and lives
I love to try everything
But only when I want to.
You can't make me
Not at all
You will learn the trueth
But only after you fall
Through my fears
And out of my shoes
And learn the real me
Then you'll see
That while kitty's purr
And mountains stay
I will always get my way.
My dreams come true everyday
For I wish it so
And so it is.

I hold you tight
Next to my side
I hurt so much
I can't even cry
As you choke and gasp
And struggle your life away
I hear your words
The ones where you say
Next time let me go
Don't try to save me
Don't try to make me fight
Just let me go
It will be all right.
But it is so hard
To grant your last wish
If I could take your pain away
With this last kiss
I would in an instant
In the blink of an eye.
How could you ask me
To watch you die
To know that I could save you
Bring you back to this life
Bring you back to the pain you feel
The bed where you stay
To the lack of dignity you have
How could you continue to live this way?
But how can I let you go
You have so much pride
Your breath is fainter now
Your body jerks in protest
To the lack of air
To the total fear
Your eyes are wide
And I see your mind is set
You haven't changed your mind.
Why god must you die
Why must you live in this much pain
I can't stand it.
I leave you for a moment
To get a sharp blade
I slice at my arms
Beaded blood starts to pour.
Sorry love
Your carpets ruined.
Sadness is in your eyes
As I again lay down by your side.
I can't be without you
And you don't want to stay
This will be better
We will always stay together this way.
I hold you close
And give you a kiss.
Together we are joined
Our bodies touching
Our spirits mixed.

Two lives
Who bump into each other
Different as night and day
Unable to just continue on their way.
A love is born
With no hope at life
They stuggle on
With day to day life.
She works days
He works nights
With only the briefest of inbetweens.
He laughs
She crys
Together they are great
But those times are few.
And far between
A sorrow grows
There is nothing they can do
Soon they seperate
The love is gone
They don't even see enough of each other
To let the other one know.
So they both promise themselves
To let the other one go
The next time they see them.
So......
Til we meet again.....

Hair gleaming just so
Styled by some famous guy named Joe
Ruby red lips
Curved in a smile
The bluest eyes
Shaddowed with mystery
The palest of faces
Powdered flawless
Long slender limbs
Lounging in unnatural positions
But look like style and grace
The barest of smiles curved upon my face.
Hours under hot lights
But not a drip of sweat is allowed
Changing cloths
And being painted like a doll
No don't get up,
You'll ruin your toes.
I'm one of the most famous models
As you would know
You see my face
On any magazine
What's my name?
Who cares
I'm the girl of your dreams.
My face is known in an instant
There is no where to hide
But this is not who I am
Not deep down inside
But personality doesn't pay the bills
I have a contract to fullfill
So inside I say
And hide
Until the day
I get a wrinkle
And then I will die off
And be forgotten
Yet Happy.
I can't believe this is all there is
Just for a picture.

So you say you understand me
Why I do the things that I do

So you say you understand my feelings
Why I'm so reserved

So you say that you understand that my heart was broken
A million times before

You say you understand why I don't love again
Why I don't cry

You say you understand my soul
That we are meant to be

You say that you understand it won't be easy
But if I will just hold on
And give you a chance
Then I will see
What it feels like to be loved
And you will be the one to heal me

You say you understand me..
Then you will understand when I say
That I don't believe you when you say
That you love me
And will be true
That you will be there
Forever and always
That I can be healed
Just by loving you.

If you understand me as well as you think
Then you will understand when I say I don't think so
I can't take that chance
I no longer believe in romance
Or dreams coming true
Not even with you.

So do you understand me at all
For if you do
Then you understand
That what I say is true
When I say
I can't love you.

We met
We lived
We love
We destroyed
Hearts
Lives
Destinies
Each other
We were destruction at it's best
We were a force to be reckon with
We never stood a chance
People quivered in our shaddow
We were most powerful together
But when we clashed
The anger
The hatred destroyed even us
Blasting our lives wide open
Destroying everyone around
Destroying everything that made us strong.
So now we are weak
And all alone
We have nothing left to show
For while we were on top
We now have fallen
Our prides keep us apart
And we have our misery
As our only companion
So this was love.

I'm just paying my homage, once more, to the poetry of the literary genius: White Lily.

I'm to rule the world
A kingdom at my finger tips
I am a prince,
A king
A lord
A god.
I am everything
Everything but me
I can't be messy
Or neat
I can't be bossy
Or kind
I can't let my hair grow
Or cut it if I wish
I can't laugh
Or cry
Or scream
Or die
I can't be real
Or human
I can just simply exist
I can't have an opion
Or a voice
I can't have a choice
I have to rule a kingdom
Yet have no voice
And if I dare
To disagree
Then they will beat me
Until I agree
Yet I'm not allowed a mark
Or flaw
I'm a fixture
An ornament
I am a thing
I'm what holds a kingdom together
I am everything
Everything but me.

Please try to understand
I know that you worry about me.
You think that I am trying to hurt myself
That I am on purposely putting myself in danger.
You feel obligated to save me
Protect me from myself
You think that I don't care about my life
Or those I would leave behind after death.
I know that you love me
And that you care
And that you just want me to be safe
And help me out.
But you are pushing me to the extremes
I need to be able to know I can take care of myself
Without any assistance from you.
Don't think I'm not grateful
For all you have done.
Or that I'm not happy that you care for me so much
But don't you understand?
What will I do if one day you are not there?
That I've started to rely on you
To save me from all harm.
To have your eyes taking notes on me
And giving you detailed reports?
I need to know that when you are gone
That I will be ok
That I will still be strong.
I want you to believe in me
I want to believe in myself.
I want you to believe
In my ability to take care of myself.
I know you say you do
That you say you are proud of me
And trust me with your life.
But do you really?
How can you when you don't even trust me with my life?
Maybe it won't always go as planed?
Maybe I will screw up
Maybe you are right and that I do take to many risks.
But I want to come to that decision myself
To know when I've had enough.
To make my mistakes
And know that they are my own
To have my victories
And know that I did it alone.
To have my life
To live my life
As my own.
Please understand me.
Trust me with this choice
You say you believe in me?
Then prove it.
Let me try to live my life.
That's all I ask.
Just let me try....

Love just isn't for me.
I think it must be someone elses dream
I know that it's not that I'm unloveable.
I have had many people tell me that they are in love with me.
But I don't return their feelings.
It is always one thing or the other.
I don't like their personality
Or their looks
They don't turn me on sexually
They don't do anything with their lives
Or me
They are the jelous type
They are the cheating type.
They don't really understand me.
Some are too good to be true
So I let them go
Too afraid to corrupt such a good thing.
Those who are perfect
Just aren't perfect for me.
They can neglect me
Or sufficate me
They can treat me just like a special friend.
Which is normally just what I want to be.
Normally all I can be.
Maybe I'm just too picky.
I want to love
I really do.
I just can't
It's not inside of me.
I guess I am destined to walk this earth alone.
There has never been the look that sets me on fire
I've never found the one who makes me wet with desire.
None of these things exist for me.
Sometimes for an instant in time
But other then that
Nothing.
I've tried to pretend
Thinking that love will just grow with time.
But that never works
And always destroys a good guy in the end.
My heart is too hard
With no love to spare.
I don't even think there is any there.
It saddens me
But the trueth is right there
For all to see.
So please,
Don't fall in love with me.

The first thing I remember is the voice.
It was deep and soothing
Washing over me in waves of sound.
It could sound like a haunting melody of a flute
Or cause the tinkling laugh of a piano
Or the calming rhythm of a drum.
The voice was welcoming me
Congratulating me on making it home.
There was a room
Full of thousands of singing voices
All joined in a master piece
I made a comment to a beautiful lady
Dressed in a flowing robe of shimmering sunlight
That I liked the song.
So the choir sang the song a second time.
At my look of astonishment
The lady with moonlight hair
Laughed a delicate little laugh
And in a voice of the gentlest of breezes said
You are the guest of honor
All this is for you.
All around me were smiling faces
And words of welcome
Just as I started to feel a sense of belonging
My alarm clock rang.
I woke up in hell.

It was one crazy weekend
I desided to plan a trip to somewhere I have never been.
I wanted to show off to my friend
Who brags about having travelled everywhere in the world
So Alaska sounded good.
I took time off of work
And packed my bags and set off.
It was beautiful
It was winter still up there
But the su