...this shit really isn't poetry (it's song lyrics), but when you know who left me....i obviosly got depressed in the most severest form....the only benefit from it is i finally got really serious about my music, and i wrote a whole fucking album....so i figured I use this as a place for the shitty lyrics to it - though i don't expect to much of this shit to stand out on it's own without the context of song...but i don't even give a fuck anymore...

...the funny (well not really) thing is when i first discovered the joy in creating music, even though i had a REALLY fucked up life i didn't feel like enough substance in my pathetic life to turn it in something worthwhile......i used to pray and hope for such inspiration like a stupid, fucking fool.....

...now that i get what i wanted back then, and i don't want it it anymore - i'd give it back in an quickest instance i could....

...i had actually had found happiness, because i actually found life on this digusting, vile planet and now i've lost it......

....so fuck you trent reznor, fuck you billy corgan, fuck you al jourgensen, fuck you robert smith, fuck you nivek ogre, fuck you brian warner, fuck you david bowie, fuck you kurt cobain, fuck you rogue, fuck you romell regulacion, fuck you chris hall, fuck you peter steele, and fuck anyone else who influenced me (in at least one time or another) to become sick, sad, hopeless musician and individual i am now.......for reasons that should be obvious as well as well as reasons that should not be so obvious i decided to call myself 'appendage' and the title of the album is 'loathsome remorse'....

"a broken heart for all to see..." - T.J. Naylor [intro. album kind of song - not many lines of lyrics]

...and i'll keep this inside of me,
...and i'll keep this all around me,
...what choice do i have?

my heart - (is broken)
my soul - (is empty)
my heart - (is crushed)
my soul - (is fucked)

"and all that could have been" - Trent Reznor Lyrical Alterations: T.J. Naylor
[this is probably my favorite song of all time, and the lyrics always made sense, and it makes me cry just about everytime i've listened to it - his version or mine, esp. now - though i've changed them...]

breeze still carries the sound
maybe i'll disappear
tracks will fade in the snow
you won't find me here...

ice is starting to form
ending what had begun
i am locked in my head
with what i've done
i know you tried to rescue me
didn't let anyone get in
left with a trace of all that was
and all that could have been

please, take this
and run back to me, back to me, right now
i'm no longer tainted, the two of us
we're always meant to be
all these pieces, and promises, and left behinds
if only i could see
in my nothing, you meant everything
everything to me

gone, fading, everything
and all, all that
could have been
(aah....) could have been

please, take this
and run back to me, back where you belong
i'm no longer tainted, isn't happiness
and peace of mind ever meant for me?
all these pieces, and promises, and left behinds,
if only i could see
in my nothing, you meant everything,
everything to me...

"my frustration" - T.J. Naylor chorus by: Adrienne Naylor
[i wrote this pathetic song quite awhile ago, and because she though it was mildy decent she volunteered to write lyrics for it but with the restriction of topics i gave her - time passed and nothing came of it, just more frustration if we tried...all, but the chorus (the "when did everything.." part) is forgotten to me - when she left, it made too much sense so i added to it] - you can actually find this on as a download on amazon.com, search music downloads for appendage (what i call myself) and you'll find it, actually pretty high on the goth/industrial charts - getting closer and closer to number 1..

i still remember the last time you told me you loved me...
and you gave me a kiss right before i left...
it meant everything to me, everything to me...

when did everything turn on me?
how did it go so fast?
pushed part, and stapled back together,
i just want a way to make it last...
when did everything turn on me?
how did it go so fast?
pushed part, and stapled back together,
i just want a way to make it last...

all we had is gone (but we can find it)
all we had is lost (but i still found it)
all we had is gone (but we can find it)
all we had is lost (but you can find it)
all we had is gone (but we can find it)
all we had is gone (but i still found it)

when did everything turn on me?
how did it go so fast?
pushed part, and stapled back together,
i just wan a way to make it last...
when did everything turn on me?
how did it go so fast?
pushed part, and stapled back together,
i just want a way to make it last...

all we had is gone (but i still need it)
all we had is gone (but i still want it)
all we had is gone (but i still need it)
all we had is gone (but i stil want it)
all we had is gone (but i still need it)
all we had is gone...

if you still want me, i am still here...
lying in a pile of treasure memories,
memories that you choose to forget...

Well, if I was into goth metal, I might happen to like the music, but in my own little world, I could hear music as I read anyway. Those lyrics are really impressive. I liked the second song "and all that could have been" the best. Shit happens and it sucks...but you're right...it's great inspiration. Unfortunately you don't seem to enjoy being inspired. I'm sorry for that. Hopefully, you'll enjoy what you do eventually. You're very good at it...looking forward to more definitely.

"finding salvation" - T.J Naylor, J.C. [in case you didn't know J.C. is that Jesus guy who gave us a prayer I used in this song that every Christian worldwide knows...this is a very personal, religious lamenting of mine that i turned into a song]

our Father which art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name, thy Kingdom come,
thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven,
give us this day, our daily bread
and forgive us our debts, as we forgive out debtors,
and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one...
for thine is the Kingdom, and the power, and glory,
forever, Amen.

my God bring me back, bring me back where i belong...
my God bring me back, bring me back where i belong...

O Lord save me, save me from my impurity
O Lord save me, save me from my immorality
O Lord save me, save me from my impurity
O Lord save me, save me from my iniquity

my princess she comes, dressed in white
innocent as heaven, and love as full as the moon...
broken sunset, fiery dreams for all to see...
walking down God's aisle, your heart's oath sets me free...

my God, my God, my God, etc.

O Lord save me, save me from my impurity
O Lord save me, save me from my immorality
O Lord save me, save me from my impurity
(forgive me, for i have sinned in your sight)
O Lord save me, save me from my iniquity
(forgive me, turn everything back right)

i can never forget about you,
you're a part of me, and i'm a part of you...
wherever i go, you are there,
and wherever you are, i am beside you
for love never dies...

love never dies... [repeat on certain accents until the end]

"the sliding path" - T.J. Naylor

you are just this thing i don't want to leave behind,
the harder i look, the less i find...
you're a part of me i don't want to leave behind,
the harder i look, the less i find...

you are me, and i am you
i know you know this,
and i know it's true..
you are me, and i am you,
i know you know this,
and you said, "i do"...
what can't you see...
all we are, and we could be?
why can't you realize...
what i am, and who you are to me?

...but i keep falling, and falling, and falling...
(i fell)

keep falling down this sliding path,
keep falling down, keep falling fast...
keep falling down this sliding path,
keep falling down, still i know we can last
keep falling down this sliding path,
keep falling down, keep falling fast...
keep falling down this sliding path,
keep falling down, still i knew we could last...

you are me, and i am you
i know you know this,
and i know it's true..
you are me, and i am you,
i know you know this,
and you said, "i do"...
what can't you see...
all we are, and we could be?
why can't you realize...
what i am, and who you are.....?

keep falling down this sliding path,
keep falling down, keep falling fast...
keep falling down this sliding path,
keep falling down, still i know we can last
keep falling down this sliding path,
keep falling down, keep falling fast...
keep falling down this sliding path,
keep falling down, still i knew we could....(last)

[goes into this interesting piano solo]

"something i need" - T.J. Naylor

something i want,
and something i need...
something i want,
and something i need...

you're gonna need me...
'cause i need you...
you're gonna need me,
'cause i'm inside you...
you're gonna nee me...
'cause i need you...
you're gonna need me,
'cause i'm a part of you...

i'm begging to be with you.
and dying just to love you,
broken apart...
and split to pieces,
the insides shown,
my past revealed,
the curse that run through my veins
it's not a part of me...
just a sickness, and i found the cure
i need you, my dearest
'cause only you can save me now...

" the fallen" - T.J. Naylor

i am the lost
i am the broken - (ness in you)
i am the fallen...,
desires of your soul
i am the lost
i am the broken - (ness in you)
i am the fallen...,
the one who filled your hole

i am a part of you, i am a part of you,
i am a part of you, i am a part of you...

disease erase me, takes me away from you
disease erase me, they say i'm the ugly in you
disease erase me, or bring me back to you
disease erase me, so alone, i'm not with you
disease erased me, and destroyed my life...
disease erased me, and took away my wife...
[i hate it]

i am the lost
i am the broken - (ness in you)
i am the fallen...,
desires of your soul
i am the lost
i am the broken - (ness in you)
i am the fallen...,
the one who filled your hole

somone help me, i'm so alone...

"empty (in you)" - T.J. Naylor
[i actually influenced my best friend Justin May (who usually writes uninspired but interesting, silly electronic music) to co-write what i consider a phenomenal industrial rock song - i love the energy the music of this song has...it impressed him and me]

there's a time and place...
for love's more than just a word
(you'd i'd like to taste)
(you'd i'd like to taste)
not angry, just disappointed...
where you are, what i should have been
(denial) regret find a place
(in me, in me)

all i wanna see, all i wanna be...
you're the empty in me (in me)
all i wanna do, all i want is you
i'm the empty in you (in you)
all i wanna see, all i wanna be...
you're the empty in me (in me)
all i wanna do, all i want is you
i'm the empty in you (in you)

keep crawling back to me, crawling back to me,
back to me, back to me, back to me...

all i wanna see, all i wanna be...
you're the empty in me (in me)
all i wanna do, ...and all i want is you
i'm the empty in you (in you)
all i wanna see, all i wanna be...
you're the empty in me (in me)
all i wanna do, ....and all i want is you
i'm the empty in you (in you)
[slower, different rhythmic flow]

falling down to you, falling to you, falling for you.
falling down to you...
why aren't you with me? (with me, with me)
(in you, in you, in you...)

all i wanna see, all i wanna be...
you're the empty in me (in me)
all i wanna do, ...and all i want is you
i'm the empty in you (in you)
all i wanna see, all i wanna be...
you're the empty in me (in me)
all i wanna do, all i want is you
i'm the empty in you (in you)
[starts slower, speeds up]

dig at this scab, make it fresh, make it clean,
make it right, make it mean... (for you, for you)

died trying, lied, crying....
empty in you, (empty in you)

empty in you [repeat in a dark, whispered form until end]

"a prayer for the forlorn" - T.J. Naylor

praying in my argument, and praying in my fear...
praying for all the shit i know, and praying in all my tears...
praying in the darkness, and praying for all these years...
praying for all the shit i know, and praying in all my tears...

keep praying for this time to end, so you can come,
and we pretend...
keep praying for this time to end, so you can come,
and we ammend...
keep praying for this time to end, so you can come,
and love defends...

O God haven't i suffered enough?
how much longer must this go on?
you know how weak i am...
and how my heart longs...
this is the one thing i actually want...
just bring me back...
to that place where i belong (that place with her)

keep praying for this time to end, so you can come,
and we pretend...
keep praying for this time to end, so you can come,
and we ammend...
keep praying for this time to end, so you can come,
and love defends...
(i feel as if i am being swallowed whole...)
keep praying for this time to end, so you can come,
and we pretend...
keep praying for this time to end, so you can come,
and we ammend...
keep praying for this time to end, so you can come,
and love defends...

do you know how many tears i've cried? -
hoping you'd come back or that i'd die?
swallowed up in fear, swollen up in guilt,
everything i've lost (and we've lost),
broken inside for this great cost,
give it all back to me,
and your everyone will see,
the way things were meant to be...

"last hope" - T.J. Naylor [another salvaged song for awhile back ago....i wrote this waste about a couple months into our relationship, such a lose i was, there is even a panning guitar part in this that so rips off NIN - "closer" - but fuck him, he ripped off "dig it" more severely for his first song, "down in it"....wrote shitty lyrics for it, but i lost them (i'm sure they sucked even more than these though) - the main idea is the same though but in a past tense kind of way]

i'm deep inside of you...
and i'm here to stay,
because i am you, and i'll always be a part of you
....it doesn't matter much now though,
i'm so lost, and so obsolete....

you were my last hope, my hope for sanity
you were my last hope, the last hope for me
you were my last hope, my hope for integrity
you were my last hope, the one who set me free...
you were my last hope, my hope for sanity
you were my last hope, the last hope for me
you were my last hope, my hope for integrity
you were my last hope, the one who set me free...

give it back, give it back to me...
give it back, give it back to me...
give it back, give it back to me...
give it back, give it all back to me...
in you there's still a place, a place for me
and yet you throw it, and yet you throw it,
you throw it all away...

you were my last hope, my hope for sanity
you were my last hope, the last hope for me
you were my last hope, my hope for integrity
you were my last hope, the one who set me free...
you were my last hope, my hope for sanity
you were my last hope, the last hope for me
you were my last hope, my hope for integrity
you were my last hope, the one who set me free...

destroy my pointless denial...
we could reconcile...
destroy your pointless denial...
we can reconcile....

you were my last hope, my hope for sanity
you were my last hope, the last hope for me
you were my last hope, my hope for integrity
you were my last hope, the one who set me free...
you were my last hope, my hope for sanity
you were my last hope, the last hope for me
you were my last hope, my hope for integrity
you were my last hope, the one who set me free...

"renascent" - T.J. Naylor [i love how this song is much like my life going from sounding really happy and optimistic, than out of no where jerks into this depressed, moody, pessimistic tangent...]

i wanna be what you want me to be
i wanna be what you want me to be
i wanna be what you want me to be
show me how...
i wanna be what you want me to be
i wanna be what you want me to be
i wanna be what you want me to be
show me how...
let me change and be what you want me to be
let me change and be what you want me to be
let me change and be what you want me to be
show me how...
let me change and be what you want me to be
let me change and be what you want me to be
let me change and be what you want me to be
show me how...

i'm just lying to you (they say),
dying for you, give it back...
i'm just lying to you (you say),
dying for you, it's a known fact...
i'm just lying to you (they say),
dying for you, give it back...
i'm just lying to you (you say),
dying for you, it's a known fact...
i'm just lying to you (they say),
dying for you, give it back...
i'm just lying to you (you say),
dying for you, it's a known fact...

[i love abrupt endings, you'll realize this if you ever hear this album in full]

"keeps calling me..." - T.J. Naylor [this is technically the last song of the album, my acoustic (haha...in my own special way) ballad of the album...actually has a happy, almost uplifting feeling to it in my own miserable kind of way]

something from inside keeps calling me
and it keeps calling me to you
and it keeps crawling in me
why isn't is crawling through you?

this thing, it keeps calling me...
i wish it would keep calling you...

something from inside keeps calling me
and it keeps calling me to you
and it keeps crawling in me
why isn't is crawling through you?

this thing, it keeps calling me...
i wish it would keep calling you...

(for you, for you, etc.)
[this is after the song has pretty much ended and goes into this melancholic piano part with lyrics on musical accents that attempts to sum up the album]

"the great abomination" - T.J. Naylor [alot of people hate these, put this is a hidden track....comes in thrashing out of nowhere after "keeps calling me..." has been over for little bit....it's sort of industrial punk song (haha) but punky in a type o negative kind of way...i laugh about the experimentalism of the music, but topic hurts MUCH]

do you...
ever...
think about me?
do you...
ever...
care about me?

you're in me, i'm in you, why don't you care?
you're in me, i'm in you, this isn't fair...
you're in me, i'm in you, why don't you care?
you're in me, i'm in you, ...now this isn't fair...

do you...
ever...
think about me?
do you...
ever...
care about me?
do you...
ever...
think about me?
do you...
ever...
give a fuck about me?

the future isn't what it used to be...

....well that's it.....it's alot better musically i think...but, eh, anyway......

i'm looking forward to getting through this album and doing another one without all the restrictions (including lyrical, putting on new ones) i put on myself for this one...

...i think it's going to be A LOT less repetive in that verse/chorus kind of way...i like the idea of getting more into a ranty, almost skinny puppy kind of vibe.....plus i want to write the lyrics and melody first this time around...

...also working on getting together a band (as i do EVERYTHING by myself) together to play this shit live - i put that in perspective when i was writing this album ("loathsome remorse") - the idea quite excites me, the lonely, solo songwriter/producer type

thanks, that really means a lot to me.....
i enjoy music, but it isn't the love of my life - she was (and is)...
i would rather be in her arms cuddled up doing nothing at all, than anything musical or artful anyday....much more fulfilling
...but what can i say, life sucks....

Your work is shitty propaganda. And I don't feel one speck of remorse for saying that.