Love lost in the sands of time like a swift breeze,
plants that were thrown in the ice to freeze,
pain that has no words finding its home inside,
like a rose left in chaos with no place to hide,
a mighty storm gathering tears to fulfill,
like a shivering feather trying to be still.

A misty rain in which everything is unclear,
a treasure found only to be accompanied by fear,
an incompletion like a tree without a root,
like a palette of colors without any blue,
a sleeping man dreaming something more real,
like fingers that have forgotten how to feel.


Shattered illusions dusting away the light,
blinding misery taking away your sight,
a web of a deep long forgotten pain painting you,
like gods running towards something untrue,
a drop of blood falling from the sky,
like laughter desperately wanting to cry.

um, allow me to introduce myself....i'm sixxx, and some say i can be rather harsh when replyin'.....but um, yeah, itz bein' resolved.....

anywho, everyone here knows i'm a nazi when concerning "rhyme scheme"....i can go on and on and on as to why "rhyme scheme" isn't an appropriate form for poetry, but the one i'll merely tell you is that "rhyme scheme" can really restrict the poem....and i think thatz kind of evident in your poem....

you got some nice lines you can play with, but forcing a rhyme scheme can really alter the tone and feelin' of a piece....

rhyme scheme has more of an uplifting sort of tone about it, and when writin' sumtin' borderline gothic, with a tone of pain and sadness and isolation, rhyme scheme takes away from said tones.....

also, "love lost in the sands of time" is rather cliche.....

you do however have some rather nice lines....

"plants that were thrown in the ice to freeze"
"mighty storm gathering tears to fulfill"
"like a palette of colors without any blue"
"like laughter desperately wanting to cry"

these are very descriptive and sound beautiful....especially "like a palette of colors without any blue"....i love that word, palette

anywho, i think this poem can really be something if you avoid using a rhyme scheme.....also, there's somewhat of a "meter" here which also gives it a more whimsical/upbeat tone.....although, you break said meter with this line "a web of a deep long forgotten pain painting you"

anywho, welcome to DF....and please post more....

yes indeed welcome to df. I agree withthe rhyming part, it does change the mood of the poem and feels awkwards and doesn't fit nicely with how I read the tone to be. Beautiful descriptive lines otherwise. Looking forward to reading more.

Nice analysis sixxx(sic)six. You guys r like th3 pros






But I like rhyme .....

you like rhyme eh?

well "rhyming" is one thing....."rhyme scheme" is another.....

what i'm about to say could cause another DF Poetry commotion, but fuck it....i must forewarn this um....this um.....D person......

if you want to use "rhyme scheme," be forwarned......rhyme scheme is old, outdated, too "elementary," shows how amatuer the writer is, is restricting, kills the poem, and is pretty much laughed at by professional poets everywhere, and et cetera.......UNLESS, of course said piece is either an epic poem (which it isn't, and itz not like a lot of poets write epic poetry anymore) or if said poem is a lyrical poem....then "rhyme scheme" is okay.....but all in all, "rhyme scheme" bad....oh so bad

anywho, how lovely to meet ya.....

Obviously, being a big loser snob like sixxx(sic)six, the first thing I noticed was the strict rhyme scheme. I personally don't like them, but my official stance on the matter is "whatever," since a lot of people think poetry has to do the rhyme. However, these lines stuck out like Paris Hilton in a crowd of nuns:

"an incompletion like a tree without a root,
like a palette of colors without any blue,"

What happened to the rhyme? Where'd it go?!?! The entire poem is a series of couplets, except for this one pair of lines. That totally interrupts the flow of yer lil' poem der. If you're intent on keeping the structure of your poem the way it is, you gotta make those lines rhyme; the fact that it made me stop and start is a pretty clear indication that something's goin on there.

If you were just having trouble rhyming the word "root," then I'd pick a different word

big loser snob eh? sahweet...

y'know, i too noticed that instead of end rhyme, she (i'm assuming this D person is a she) used internal rhyme with "root" and "blue" and it too threw me off.....i just didn't say anything 'cuz i really love that line "like a palette of colors with any blue"

but since anti said it, yees.....that just, yeah....doesn't work

I'm HE





If i write another one, i'll go by what you said. Thx for all that info.

hey, you changed your name.....