This is the only poem I wrote that i can remember by heart

"The End"

Under the Sand,
lay the men,
who gave their life,
for their land.

Their country's finest,
their country's best.
Burried alone,
forever at rest.

The American flag,
covers their grave.
With a gun for a tombstone,
lay our country's brave.

-Kevin Hines

Hi btw, I'm new to the forums, I'm Demon Eciplise's son/friend/thing-a-mi-gig. and don't ask about the sig, lol I need to make a new one I know

Thanks for sharing that....not my kinda thang...but for those patriot types, good job.

I'm not even that patriototic, i have kinda a love-hate relationship with the U.S.

I thought it was good dude, dont pay any mind to the tards here who are so self loathing that they cannot even respect the people who died for the freedom they now selfishly enjoy. And Patriotism got nothing to do with it. Disrespecting those that died so your fat asses can sit there and make throw up signs is disgusting.

Grow up.

He'll never be a mature critic. Just an effective one.

I didn't much like the poem, but only because of it's not what I like to read I'm more of a freeform kind of guy. Your heart's definitely in the right place, though; no matter who you are, there are people dying for ya. It's a harsh reality.

Welcome to df.

I just read the thread rules I'll start posting all my junk in here

A Soldier's Paryer


Dear God, I ask for your help today.
I've seen and heard it all,
good men kill as good men fall.
We are hero's fighting for a noble cause 'they' say,
but on the ground women and children lay.

Young men sent into war to fight and die
half way around the world, alone and cold.
We're once seen as brave and bold,
but now we're just walking targets who try
to hold back the tears we wish to cry.

Dear Lord save me! this is more than i can bare!
For I am tierd of all this pain and hate.
Are we fighting for freedom, or the Head of State?
Lord help me find a way out of this "middle of no where".
Are you even listening, do you even care?

But still I pray, I pray for the men who now lay in the dark,
and also for my sins, because you never know when a bullet will hit it's mark...

-Kevin Hines

as you might have guessed, I like writing about war

lol, I wasn't being disrespectul personally, I think the poem has alot of meaning, I just personally didn't click with it. It always takes guts to post work on message boards, I respect that. But opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.

lol don't worry man i know, I think they were just talking about sixxx(sic)six anyways, but hey, I know not everyone is going to like my work

I'll be looking out for more of your stuff man, the content doesnt strike me here, but the way you write does, keep it up.

Hey man, I like it....some of the lines are good.

Kinda like a punkrock song. I wrote a poem called "Thankyou for your participation", its in my poetry thread, its a similar content, and I had it published. Keep up the work man, I would love to read more of your stuff that has a different topic.

thx for the comment right now I'm looking for a poem I wrote 2 years ago for Holloween in my english class, it's the only dark poem I've ever wrote and after reading it the teacher sent me to the suicide consilour at our school, lol. I got a 100% on it but I can't find the damn thing for the life of me

holy shit, was that a compliment?

and to BILLY THE KID....psht! whatever man.....if you wanna get into some "pro-america" debate, then by all means start a thread in bitch, or off-topic, or wherever....

anywho, since i got "warning points" for my post, and people think i'm some kind of 'tard (yet most here know that i'm quite possibly the most constructive critic here in the poetry section) i will retract my and replace it with a real critical analysis...

first and foremost, rhyme-scheme dude.....a very old-school, out-dated, amateur vice for poetry.....a clear indication that you have very little knowledge of modern poetry.....and to poets and poetry lovers, such a style is boring, bland, and even belittling at times (no offense)....

secondly, where's the imagery? there isn't any....or rather, nothing real interesting.....what imagery there is, is cliche and boring......it's what one would expect with such a poem.......and there's really nothing unique enough to really hold the attention of readers, especially poets....

thirdly, no other vices are being incorporated.....there's nothing that suggests "poem" other than the structure, which is one of the oldest (a simple structure that was created through rhyme-scheme).....the flow is awkward, and there's awkward phrasing......when read aloud, certain words seemed forced, the phrasing is left incomplete, and it's far too short....

last, but certainly not least, the entire idea is cliche.....it's been done a thousand times, and it's been done better (no offense again).........there's a poet out there (i can't remember the name at this very moment, but i can look it up) who's a black man who served during vietnam (and i know what some of you are thinking: great! another vietnam veteran! another beat poet!) but no, this guy did some good stuff about the war......anywho, the point is, war poetry, poetry about 9-11, poetry about america as a whole.....old, boring, cliche, overdone, and should be left to actual poets who've experienced such things first hand.....just my personal opinion on the subject...

anywho, i don't mean to be offensive, and i wasn't in any way reflecting my views on war or america, just the poem itself (way to read too much into it BILLY)......

all in all, i hope that my criticism will be taken as what it is, and not some kind of flame attack or attempt to ensue an argument with someone, because it's not.......and like ANTI said, my earlier post may not have been very mature, but it was effective.......evidently so, just look at the responses.......

but, in the end, my criticism may not be what you want to hear, but it's just one individual's opinion.....and who am i? oh, just you're average poetic-nazi

anywho, welcome to DF and all that, and by all means, continue to write and post some more of your work....i may not like it, but i will at least read it......

~ciao

a prof. of mine in college once suggested i needed "serious help" for my splatterpunk stories.....he and i later became best friends.....

anywho, on to the poem....

like i said in my post concerning your last poem, rhyme-scheme.....something you should avoid if you're serious about becoming a poet.....

this one, well, again, the idea is a little cliche....it's been done before......but it's an idea that can work if done right.....

i think the main problem with this poem is the "tone" and the "connotations" of certain words.....

when writing a poem such as this, where the message is one of "hopelessness and fear" you can convey that meaning with words that fit the idea......

the tone of this poem is too cheery....too, "i know i'm gonna die, and that sucks, but whatever!".......it's not: "i know i'm gonna die....WHHHYYYYY?????!!!!!"

words like: "dear, God, help, good, hero's, noble, brave, bold, freedom, lord, pray" all have a more positive connotation......your second stanza is good however, in presenting a more sad tone, with words that have a more negative connotation: "fight, die, alone, cold"......

but overall, the message is there, but isn't backed up with proper poetic technique......poetry is an artform, and to be good at it, one must study and truly understand how to craft their piece.....now, i am by no means Charles Bukowski or e.e. cummings, but what i do know is how to read and understand the craft of a poem......

all in all, you seem to be on the right path (even i started with cliched themes and rhyme-scheme....i got penalized severly for it in poetry workshops, but i finally found my way)......and i assume you're young (highschool-ish) and it's good that you're interested in poetry and are willing to share your work.....i just hope you're willing to accept criticism....i can critique rather harshly myself.....

anywho, keep writing.....

~ciao

in all fairness sixxx, I am "new" to poetry lol, so it's really no surprise that I sound like I am. and as my idea being cliche because it's been done before; every type of poetry has been done before, saying that war poems are cliche is like saying love poems are cliche, it's all been done before man.

But really, thanks for the reply, some good advice in it

Poetry is supposed to be about Freedom and Six is critiquing form.. poor play. Maybe we should say your lack of structure in your poetry makes it bad?

frist off sixx, thanks for taking the time to read and think about my poety, I'm not however thinking of becoming a poet, it's just something I like to do on the side.
I did have to force some of the ryhmes to fit the ABBAA ryhming pattern and i'll try one with out that next. And like you siad, poetry is an art form, so that means eveyone has their own style and their are NO rules.

thanks for the advice man, and I have no problem with criticism as long as it's constructive like in your last 2 post.

When people tell you to avoid rhyme scheme be careful. Its NOT for everybody,but its not for nobody either. Billy Shakespeare and Dante busted out lots of rhyme schemes and I would HARDLY say they werent taken seriously. If you can rocka more rigid form than the scattered prose that most people try to pass off for poetry today I say more power to you. I prefer to read well done poems with rhyme schemes or iambic pent than scattered poems with nothing gluing it to any kind of particular form what so ever.

My advise to you is to keep doing what youre doing and take what other people say with a grain of salt, if someone told me not to use rhyme schemes if I wanted to be taken seriously I would have told them that thats just what people with no talent like to say when they were pretending to be unique with thier formless prose that sounds more like a mouthful of mushy oatmeal than lyrical beauty.