my storish poem! read it!!!! pwease? - Darkforum.com - Dark Stories, Dark Art, Poetry, Photography, Debates and Discussions

DeirdreMayfair · **my storish poem! read it!!!! pwease? -** 07-19-01

I live where every tear you cry kills an angel,
where the sadness is salvation,
where the moon shuns the sparkling stars,
and the sun hides from the once blue sky.
I cry rivers of black tears,
and sleep in the dark forests of death,
where no mortal will ever come out alive,
and the sights those that go through and see make entities cry.
Though, if you are able to find my lost fortress,
and find where I dwell in this melancholy land,
I shall reward you with what your heart desires.
To try is to attempt suicide, to succeed is to become god.
Who will dare to come and find me?
The battle to win my soul begins...

FullMetalPunk · **Post it note -** 07-19-01

I liked the start, but the rest I was unsure about. I liked the idea, and the image... I didn't like the subject, that may have been the problem.
Sorry if that hurts, it sounds spiteful, but I'm doing my best to be honest with people from now on... Oh-oh.
Well it was a good job anyway, well done and keep it up.

dev0id · 07-19-01

Well I thought it was very well written. Sounded like a cry for help though. PM me if you ever need anyone to listen.

(antihero) · 07-19-01

A unique approach to a recurring theme: cool

Hmmm... I liked some of the imagery, though at times it seemed slightly excessive. I dunno, if you added some more space in between to give the reader a little time to sit back and take everything in, it'd work a little better. It also sounds like the intro to something, like in them Star Wars movies when they have that text that scrolls up the screen in the beginning in an angular fashion and gets smaller and smaller, and you try to catch it all but it scrolls too fast, and you jump up in the theater and yell at the projectionist, "Slow it down! Slow it down! Do you think I'm the fucking Flash or something? Jesus Christ!" And then.... I'm getting off topic.

But yes, I think this would make a decent prelude to something larger. Is this the work in its entirety, or is there more?

blackblood · 07-19-01

pretty good but i got to agree with anti hero it just leaves you thinking theres more

DeirdreMayfair · 07-19-01

well actually it was my profile for aim, and it kinda sounded like a poemish story.... so... honestly i dunno.. maybe i do need to add more though.

(antihero) · 07-19-01

Hehe, cool

You can learn more about people from their AIM profiles than you can from their own mouths.

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