i wrote this after watching a war movie i forgot what it was called but i hope you like it.....please tell me what i need to fix it...or something like that....



*Soldier*

The ashes of death
surrounds me
The smell of blood
filters the air
Brothers in arms
fall to the ground
As the enemy
draws closer
Bullets fly pass me
as I'm carrying the wounded
back to base
I am a man
trying to understand
the concept of war
Hands covered in blood
while my brother's are trying to survive
this is my life
I am a soldier
fighting for my life.

hmmm.....itz not that bad.....in fact, as your first poetry post....itz quite good.....i'm impressed, and glad you avoided the ever-old cliche of "rhyme scheme"....

as for improvements.....i'm not a fan of short-line poetry (though some here are).....and, itz a little too-narrative as opposed to vivid-imagery....

nonetheless, i applaud your first effort....you get a scrath n' sniff sticker.....CHOCOLATE CAKE is the flavor.....w00t!!!!!

yay.....a sticker hehe


thank you sixx

lol welcome to df. it is fairly good for a first poem. My suggestion, don't over use words you used the word 'life' 2x in the last 3 lines.

k thank you

same thing goes for the other one i would love what you thought or didnt like about it...it helps me become a better writer over time...



*Clear*

As the rain begins to fall
My heart seeks another
As my true self starts to show
I've lost all that i know
Now i'm on a new path in life
The pain has faded
And I have found myself
the rain hits my face
As the painful memories seem to disappear
No more tears shall fall
Whenever I speak your name

Id like to see you become more...eloquent and creative? with your allusions and whatnot. its nice in its simplicity but it could be improved upon...

upon what

you can write better. Im sure you can. Im no english major or whatnot, but I do recognize that.

and Im not saying it's bad...dont think that.

im not thinking that at all but using it as "insperation" *i think thats how you spell that word*

inspiration

last one for the night guys hopefully in a next few day

you are more then welcome to give me your comments or pm with it thanks




*Pure Darkness*

A hundred eyes watching me
Hundreds of hand's grabbing me
As they tear me apart,

Three's swaying back and forth
In the cold pure Darkness
Of my self-indulging heart,

Show me how to live again
To feel what's inside
So i can finally open my eyes,

My world slowly decomposing
My mind dissolving inside
As this darkness starts to consume over my eyes

you know I like this one.

i do not like this one.....the language was rough, as was the flow....you repeated too many words for such a short piece.....you went into rhyme scheme and then agian out of rhyme scheme....there wasn't really any vivid imagination at work here......

sorry, but you get an F

gir

i love you chad

*hisses* gotta be all speakin' my name and shit...

i luvz you too

lol ok so you have some very good lines, but I want more imagery, more vivid detail, maybe even emotions, your writing sound nice and all, but leaves me cold and unmoved.

i hope you like this one i just came up with it.... hehe



her eyes as cold as ice
seduction when see moves her tongue
a kiss that poisons the heart
her fingers scrolling across my chest
her body as hot as fire
our bodies pressed against one another
as i kiss her lips passionately
she touches the heart with a kiss
moving her hips so slowly
as the sweat drips from our eyes
running my fingers through her hair
looking at her with love
no pain...no suffering...no lies...

no offense.....but a lot of cliches there