[sias]

Okay..

Since I don't share much of what I write with people I know (due to lack of nerve), I figured this would be a pretty good place to get some honest feedback on what people think - negative and positive both. So.. I would really like for anyone with anything to say (which, I think, covers most people) to post back when or if they get a chance, and give me some ideas on what you like, and what you think I could change or do better.

Anyway.. enough rambling. This is something I wrote a couple of nights ago. I'm going to try to be current, because most of what I've written a month ago or longer may still apply to my life, but not really to the way I now think. So, with that said, here goes:

The Dismal Appearance of a Sunny Day
Version #1

Outside there are death-shaped clouds;
but outwardly they reciprocate just
the light.

I longed for
(with anticipation)
the darkness of antitheses.

Recreational creation lives for,
nothing but,
what will inevitably occur.

I, however,
thought I was different.
I, regardless,
remain the same.

Annulling disbelief,
in a cold lair of denial,
can bring nothing but dread.
Fate -
damns.

Holier-than-thou witchcraft seems to me to be nothing
except the droning of unenlightened,
but hopeful,
conversationalists
(always carrying on).

There remains
(left to be unseen)
evidence of your right:
evidence of “you’re right.”

Ceasing to be means treading on thin ice,
but never walking on water.

[renovate]

That is absolutely beautiful. It's a completely unique writing style, with a fresh vocabulary, so unlike the washed up overused static poetry that even I find myself writing. It's the logic of prose mixed in with the creativity of poetry, yet there doesnt seem to be a connecting thread throughout the poem. Maybe I just missed it...anyway, I enjoyed it.

[sias]

Originally posted by renovate
That is absolutely beautiful. It's a completely unique writing style, with a fresh vocabulary, so unlike the washed up overused static poetry that even I find myself writing. It's the logic of prose mixed in with the creativity of poetry, yet there doesnt seem to be a connecting thread throughout the poem. Maybe I just missed it...anyway, I enjoyed it.

Thanks!

I wrote it with a connection in my mind, but I tried to write in a way that would eliminate a logical, concrete image. I had some surreal/philosophical/death theme in mind, but that's how it ended up.

I liked the "your right" versus "you're right" idea for the sole reason that it makes it more of something someone would read to themselves rather than out loud. I had that in something else I wrote the day before or so, but it was pretty different. I don't like it very much, but.. I'll post it anyway.

Thanks again.

72302

The blood spills,
And the pain kills,
But before I can move,
It comes back again.

Don't call me -
( you son of a bitch )
anymore.
But you might as well,
I won't change your mind.

The blood spills,
And the pain kills,
But before I can run,
I'm falling down.

Don't call me -
( you coward )
( you bastard )
anymore.
But you might as well,
I won't deny your right.
I won't deny you're right.

(I will be something new)

[sias]

I wrote this about an hour ago. It's not really finished, and I'm not sure there's a point. It was kind of just, whatever came to mind. I need to add more to the end, or at least I want to. I'm also not sure I like the way the second stanza, the way it's worded. The quote I thought of when I reread it was in a song by Darwin's Waiting Room: "killed your companions, then complained of loneliness." That's mostly the idea I'm trying to get there, but I didn't come off the way I wanted it to. Please post back if you have any suggestions - that's exactly what I'm looking for. Thanks.

Finalization of Infraction

I adopted my...
well, no, not really.
It's something I stole.
I took control.

I forced my way in until there was nothing left but me.
I took control.
But now I'm alone;
it seems -
some type of ironical spin
on intentions.

I took control.

I held you down;
and I tied your...

I couldn't keep you there.

My faith is distilled;
like broken windows in October.

Normally - I wouldn't mind.
But now the cold seeps in,
and everything looks...

dead.

If I could rewrite my life,
it would be
more comprehensible
(perhaps).

I could start anew,
but that would be murder;
pages that died in my name.

I keep changing what people see,
and they keep seeing me,
but I take control.

Mediocrity is what no-one craves,
and I would rather be sick than blind.
I would rather be dead, than blind.

I'm lacking something that can't be had.
Just forgotten.

[deadbodychiccca]

Originally posted by sias
I wrote this about an hour ago. It's not really finished, and I'm not sure there's a point. It was kind of just, whatever came to mind. I need to add more to the end, or at least I want to. I'm also not sure I like the way the second stanza, the way it's worded. The quote I thought of when I reread it was in a song by Darwin's Waiting Room: "killed your companions, then complained of loneliness." That's mostly the idea I'm trying to get there, but I didn't come off the way I wanted it to. Please post back if you have any suggestions - that's exactly what I'm looking for. Thanks.

Finalization of Infraction

I adopted my...
well, no, not really.
It's something I stole.
I took control.

I forced my way in until there was nothing left but me.
I took control.
But now I'm alone;
it seems -
some type of ironical spin
on intentions.

I took control.

I held you down;
and I tied your...

I couldn't keep you there.

My faith is distilled;
like broken windows in October.

Normally - I wouldn't mind.
But now the cold seeps in,
and everything looks...

dead.

If I could rewrite my life,
it would be
more comprehensible
(perhaps).

I could start anew,
but that would be murder;
pages that died in my name.

I keep changing what people see,
and they keep seeing me,
but I take control.

Mediocrity is what no-one craves,
and I would rather be sick than blind.
I would rather be dead, than blind.

I'm lacking something that can't be had.
Just forgotten.

i think personally the point is nessesarily needed because of the feelings it gives off.....it seems finished to me....i really like it

[sias]

Originally posted by deadbodychiccca



i think personally the point is nessesarily needed because of the feelings it gives off.....it seems finished to me....i really like it

Thanks.

[sias]

I don't know what this one is about.. but hey, look, I'm on the first page again. I wrote this last night.

"Unreal"

I've wasted 3 pages and this is the fourth, but what
I've brought forth could never convince me. that's
not how I feel because it goes so much deeper
than this, inside of me at least.

Picture this:

some damp grave where many have died and
everything is just enough alive to torment the
soul, forever. Chaos is control while on the whole
the cause of death is suicide and no one wants
to die alone. It creeps inside and sinks deeper
until the cold is inescapable and death would
die to live again.

Picture me:

I am this place where no one goes anymore.
I am the one who died for your sins while my
suffering goes unrecognized. (No more
sympathy.) Overall, I'm overwhelmed, and
under it all. Somehow these trends mimic
my life so that I might remain out of
sight (unheard). You seem to want what
I have so you can feel what I feel -
even though what I feel is no more
real than you.

What you see here, is not me.
I am a reflection of what you could be.

[>FuckDoll<]

great stuff, didn't have time to read much, but i did stop and read a few... will most assuradly be back to read more, and give a more heartfelt response...

[sias]

Thanks for the interest.

[sias]

This was kind of random. I don't know if you would consider it poetry or not..



You turned to me because it was getting darker and you’re afraid of the light. No one is used to feeling safe. “Everybody wants to feel okay,” you said to me. I scoffed and moved away. This is something I want less and less - everyday. “What do I have to do?” We’re closer to the fire than ever before and it just makes things darker.

Do you remember?

those nights with the fireworks that lit up the sky; that was so great - that made me feel love because the darkness closed in once again and I felt like I was at home. But now those times are gone and the words that survived are nothing more than mockery to the echo of your voice.

They said you were a hero but that was only because no one can understand. No one dared to challenge your lack of wisdom because they would have been following someone with vices. That scares me. I fell into a hole, and the sky was blood-red.

I’m just someone who’s missing something important. Just like you are, except with a few more holes. I turned to myself and that’s why I fell. The only difference between you and me is that you never got back up.

They found us alone because both of us weren’t there. I would have given my life to have seen you, but you already gave yours for me. I hate this feeling of something inexplicably complex. The air dramatizes everything that’s sane so the rest of the world can understand. And I still don’t know what’s going on. I turned the volume up because I was gone all day. I hate that feeling, when I come back “home” and there’s nothing left of my soul.

I walked down the road and the lines in the middle weren’t straight. I hate that, because it makes me feel slightly crooked. I’m always just barely off.

Hold on - I just realized something. I like taking things from other people because they always have what I want. But I never want what I have and that’s why there’s no anarchy. I hate this feeling of hopelessness because it’s so true. I would like to control you.

My darkness is a shade deeper than yours because I will never be a martyr.

[(antihero)]

Glad you started posting here again. You are, in fact, awesome. I look forward to working with you in the future.

[mightydreamer]

nice, nice to see non-confinable writing, aaaaaaaaay I wish I could still be more that way, yet I've been ruined, contaminated by complexity now I suffer the results of sub-conscious plagiarizm, sad really

good work, keep'em cumin
Me

[sias]

Originally posted by (antihero)
Glad you started posting here again. You are, in fact, awesome. I look forward to working with you in the future.

Heh, thanks.



I saw (antihero) as the newest post on this thread and was immediately nervous, seeing as how you are god and all. I'm glad I'm posting here too. It got me un-addicted from the ever-frustrating Yahoo pool. So.. thanks again for the response.

You rock -> :metalhead

And thanks, mightydreamer, also. I had to come back and edit this because you beat my post by exactly one second. -checks out your poetry-

Ohh.. and you have a neat-o avatar. Thanks again.

[mightydreamer]

~bows~ thanx
Me