Do you fear me?
Do you bleed?
Can I feel you?
Compounded greed.

Sitting on my hands, I feel you quake.
Learning all your mediocracy, I'll make you shake.
Come to your senses and press the seed.
Hear the wolf howling, hounding their feed.

When will thy hunger suside?
When my skull is battered inside?
My ruin my delicate decay;
Does it anger you?
Take yoour harsh words away!

"I would rather die of thirst than drink from your aborted glass. Than wither by my mother's hand as I've done in the past.
My heart was allways fragile, I gave it unto you;
As did my prayer of systematic anguish; I asked you to save my soul..."

(f***er)

Am I your child?
Your light hand doest touch?
Feel my trembling shower sores now wavering too much.

Listen to your pride!-You are so greedy
Heaven set aside!-Your kingdom I doubt so
And among he;-Oh great "Leader"
May his burden pain!-Let your profile go

(f***er)

Sitting on my hands, I watch you guiver.
As I sing my woe, you poison the river.
I cry aloud to you, you slither around me
Hence the name of "Lord", I blister can't you see?

Doesn't make much sense, doesn't have a real point, but whatever floats your boat man.

Someone should revoke your poetic liscense.

I kid. Lemme go through this and give you a critique, you can 'fuck you' me later.

It actually sounds more like a freeform poem than a song. Usually lyrics have more of a rhythmic flow to them. Granted I don't know what style of music or what kind of beat you're going to put them to, and sheet music won't help because I barely remember how to read music any more.


This part doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the verses.

There is quite a bit of contrast and contradiction in the first two lines. The speaker talks about sitting on their hands, which is an obvious attempt to in self-control, yet in the second line knowledge of the subjects inadequacy empowers the speaker and gives them power over the subject.

First line is good, but I'd drop 'thy' and use your. Contemporary language is a good thing, it makes things easy for the listener to grasp what your saying without having to translate it like a passage from a King James Bible. Also, I'd find another word to substitute for 'harsh'. 'Harsh' is too soft a word, you need something biting, something cutting, something that sounds painful. I like the third line a lot.

You've got great language and imagery here. The line about my mother's hand seems to skew away from the intent of the verse.
The speaker denies an offer of assistance from the subject, then doesn't want to suffer at the hands of her mother?



God damn it! The word is FUCKER! Don't edit your own work. If that's the word that gets the feeling across then use it. Shout it. Scream it! Record companies and radio stations edit enough without the artist doing it to their own work.

There's that King James Biblespeak again. Nix the 'doest'...sounds like bad Shakespeare there. 'Shower sores'? You lost me on that line...

Interesting...I discount the biblical language, then you go and throw a biblical allusion into this verse, but without the language.
I especially like the last part of that last line...good stuff.

I've been over this one already...ditto here.

Nice tie-in to the second verse. The second and third lines are especially strong, nice word use their. I like the fact you picked 'slither', that's a very emotion-producing word.

I think it would flow a bit better with more solid structure to the overall writing, and perhaps some kind of spine to it...I don't know, maybe more tie-ins between verses, like you did in the second and seventh verses.

Ok, I'm done picking it apart now. Feel free to get defensive and lash out at me if you choose...


Shadowborn

THANK YOU!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!

It may sound somber, but that you for your critisim, although, it wasn't realyl critisism, it was more comments and sudjestions. I thank you! Oh you wonderful HUMAN!!! (woah that sounds weird)
But thank you!

MORE CRITISISM PLEASE!!!!!

-Renee

I am always extremly amazed at the love that spreads around the forum.Of course i didnt personally like the song to much but as long as you wrote it from your soul and not just to write,then who the fuck cares what others think...

crit-i-cism n. 1. The act of criticizing.
2. A severe or unfavorable judgement.
3.The art of making discriminating judgements.
4. The occupation or profession of a critic.

I was giving you criticism under definition number three. Anyone can look at something and say it sucks. The worthwhile people are the ones who take the time to think about it and tell you why it sucks...then you know how to improve upon it.


Shadowborn