Every relationship I've ever had has failed tragically. And it's the exact same pattern every time. I detach, keep myself aloof, witty, empathetic, get close, draw away...and if they're still there, fallen head over heels for me, I say the magic words of death: "Marry me."
I have dependancy issues, fear of abandonment, plus various mental illnesses (which is a whole other topic).
Still...everything goes fine after I've also said the outrageously suicidal (sic) phrase "I can't live without you".
But after a while, maybe six-eight months, I crack under the pressure I put on myself, and the emotional stress. Feelings of self-worth, self-esteem, plummet. Paranoia kicks in, fear, jealousy, resentment, threats of suicide (pathetic, I know). Ironically, instead of hurting myself in that ideated way, I've actually driven two exes to self-injury. My last ex tried to kill herself, and had to go into a psych ward.
I got suddenly envious of her good-looking male friends, and told her this. A few days later, she fucked them. Worse than that...she fell in love with them, claiming polyamory as the ideal. My agony was merely immature, since I couldn't tolerate that.

I had asked my last three girlfriends to marry me. I'm a love-vampire (or whatever you'd call one). I can be anyone's soul mate, provided you give me what I need. Provided you fill the emotional holes, I'll feed off you till you're near dead. Then one of us, or both of us, will snap. I dumped my fiance, then went crazy. Admitted myself for three days into the nearest psych ward. I had to exagerrate a little about being suicidal, but I was mainly homicidal/violent ideating. At the time, given half the chance, I'd have beaten my ex-fiance's brains in with a baseball bat, and any other cunt who wanted to antagonize me. You'd be amazed at the foolishness of some people, actually wanting to fight me when I was clearly unstable. "Don't antagonize the crazy-man who happens to be weilding a baseball bat."

That was last week. Now, I've dissociated (D.I.D, which I don't want to talk about), and I can't stop singing and dancing all day long.

Wait...was the point of this post? Oh yeah...Life sucks. It just doesn't suck me.
What's a romantic fuck-up like me to do?

editted out.

oOpsies..If you did read that Mad Poet it was an ironic comment aimed as much at myself as you .. in answer to your question ( highlighted ) Sorry if anyone took it the wrong way ..no offence intended ..You'll know when its intended ..jk..

I didn't see it. Now I'm curious.

you can't be happy in love until you're happy with yourself. get there first.

That's true. It comes and goes, though. It amazes me the amount of destruction a low self-esteem can do on love-life.

I believe it. and what's worse is i've tried to coach guys through it in the past.

it doesn't work. the only person that can heal you is you.

So the first step of advice i'm gonna offer to you is stop thinking that your situation is such a huge, life crushing deal. I'm sorry, i don't mean to sound rude, but once you start to believe that it isn't a problem, it'll stop being a problem.

Thanks. I know what you mean. I've also learned from my mistakes - the depency stuff, abandonment phobia, is something I've only just come to realize. I'll need to critically analyze any new situation with that in mind before I make any serious choices in life. Question the motives.
Despite the whiny tone of my fisrt post, I already feel better about myself. That relationship was doomed from the get-go. I feel so liberated now. Clear-headed, you know?

yesh, i know. and hell, bitching helps sometime. feels good to get it all off your chest.

That was mainly why I typed it all up. Now I don't need to beat some random person's brains in from bottled up rage

Indeed.. I think it can be worse on a guy though as a guy is expected to be more proactive and is judged more ( or feels he is ) on his assertiveness and confidence .. Lack of confidence is never sexy.. Trust yourself more.

Dude! You don't just have a low self esteem you are codependant. There is NOTHING romantic about anything you've said here. No matter how much you want to romanticize your problems to your stupid whiney goth ideal (ie.. vampiric feeding off of another's love etc.. and this really did make me chuckle) you'll never get over anything as long as you don't accept responsibility for them. And claiming a problem to be some kind of character flaw is one of many ways of dodging responsibility for your own problems. In essence, quit whining about your problems and grow up. With knowledge comes responsibility, and having knowledge of your problems gives you the responsibility of correcting them. Sorry if this sounds harsh but damn man quit romanticizing your shit and fix it.

Could you elaborate, Dr. Phil?
Give a broken man advice by spitting on him when he's down?
I do accept responsibilty for everything. It was my fault, and now I'm getting over it.
And, I like romanticizing. I'm a whiny goth, remember? Pathetic Emo Lord of the Slime.

Same as Celia said: You have to love and accept yourself before you can ever have a stable relationship.

Well, how do you do that?

I can't take this shit. I'm going out. Rage has no place within these confines. I might go find myself some "attention" - cos, you know, that's what whiny goths like me do. Me and my vampire baseball bat (whoop whoop whoop).

Well, if you have DID tahn you most likely need meds and/or therpy, which I'm sure if you know you have it than that's already underway. As for the depression and confidence - it sounds simple but is anything but - Snap out of it. That's basically what any therpist will tell you only they'll be all wordy about it and drag it out over many sessions and charge you a billion dollars. If you're unhappy with WHO you are - change it. Do whatever you have to do, just change it. There's no rules that you have to be a certain way or do certain things or act certain ways. It's work to get out of those habits - but all things worth-while are worth the work. That is, if you really want to change. Sometimes when people are depressed they "like it". If you don't and really truely want to change the powers all within you.

Basically it comes down to you finally getting tired of the way you are enough to effect the change. You ask how to change. Just decide to change thats really all there is to it. Unfortunately you along with most may have to hit rock bottom in order to effect this kind of change, it's just the way people work. Most have to hit bottom before they want it bad enough.

Why are you coming to a forum to find out how to fix your problems? Or to find out how to think? No slight to the people here (or to myself) but a forum board (the Internet) usually only expresses one facet of people (usually an overbearing "strong" sense of character)...

Plus, this is Darkforum. Get that fact straight in your head, first and foremost. The insight provided here will never strike you with the epiphany that you are seeking. If you really insist on looking to fix your mental health (in a free manner) go to Dr. Phil's site or anywhere that will tell you how to think.....

Reading your words and self-evaluation, I came to a conclusion that you probably have enough brain power to reach your own conclusions and make decisions on your own but you honestly want someone else to do it for you. In that sense, you're fucking yourself over and wasting time to boot. If you're out of control, no one can tell you how to stop being "a whiny, romantic, etc" and no philosophy will save your life.

Words are shallow. Action is crucial.

Yes. Thank you all. I apologize if I came across as overbearing. I've been all over the place lately. I told my doctor today about the homicidal urges and rage, and we're working on it.
I didn't come here for advice, really. I mostly just needed to vent. Vent so badly. I feel better now - self-esteem, confidence, etc. beginning to creep back.
And I'm not depressed. Simply grieving. It's over.
DID therapy is horrible lol. I think they might take me off dexamphetamine while I'm feeling like violent. It depends on who I am for any length of time.
I'm talking too much. Dangerous. Blah.

Anyway...Thanks

On a side note: Madpoet is not a goth. And that vampire reference was purely metaphorical.