Okay, the other week I think, My boyfriend and I had an argument... Now yeah, I did post it on here but then I edited it and it was moved to the bitch board because I really didn't want to talk about it at all... Now I think it is time to expose what the whole thing is about...

I will start with the fight we had last week.

Now I have been in Canada for ages and ages now and I will be returning back to the UK with my boyfriend and my daughter in 6 months if everything goes well. Thing is, I have never been to Niagra Falls or Missagua(sp?) beach and really, he hasn't actually taken me anywhere at all short of Toronto and the local Malls.

We have argued about this on a number of occasions... Recently though, it came to a head when he said that we don't have the money or a car... Valid, I will give him that as it is a crucial time where we have to save money and get sorted so we can go back to the UK as a family and start over. The argument I was putting across though, was never just about him taking me anywhere...

The actual argument was about that he never made an effort to anything with me, spend time with me, do anything really. Ever.

He said that he was lazy at first and he is sorry and now he would like to do things but we don't have the money/time/car and we have a child now/responsabilities now/no time off work now etc etc etc. He said he would love to do things with me... Now, when we don't have much time here, when he can't get the time off work, when we don't have the money, when we don't have a car, when we have these extra responsabilities and so on and so on.

Thats my point... He just hasn't tried or made an effort... EVER. Untill it is just about too late for him to do so.

So I bring up another point in this 'tiff'.... I have hinted before... When we first started dating, I have asked before, when we first started dating... Each time I hinted he "didn't pick up on the hints" and told me that I had to be "Less subtle" so I did and I asked but everytime I asked it was "I'm too tired/can't be bothered/ have too much going right now/ have to get this finished so honey, just shut up about it and let me suprise you...".... So I shut up about it for a year... And he never did do anything with me. It wasn't like we didn't have the time, wasn't like we didn't have the money and it wasn't like we didn't have a car... Just.... Didn't...

Anyway, he collects some photos from his parents place recently.... Well a box of photos, all of which are pictures of him and his ex girlfriends... At Rome, Antuiga, Florida, at cottages in ontario etc etc.... He sat down with me and told me to look at all these pictures because he wanted to show me the ones taken at these places... With gasps and "It was beautiful there!/Yeah Vanessa and I stayed in a log cabin there/ I had bruises from the paintballing" and well... Yeah as it goes, he had some really fun times judging by his enthusiasm and the pictures taken....

Yeah it may well be that I am jealous, I admit, I am jealous of this, he made an effort with all of them... I don't want to go to rome or fucking eygpyt or Antuiga or florida... I just want to go to Niargra falls or Toronto Zoo, what he doesn't seem to get is that to me... Canada is like him being somewhere foreign, imagine going to a different country and just wandering the same streets day after day after day after day and not even going anywhere but those streets when there are great places to go and then you look at those same streets it makes the whole country look bland and shitty because you never even went one place other than there. You're just stuck in that spot.... I wanted to see Canada... Not a few streets in canada, I just wanted him to realize that this place is totally different to me... And he wouldn't even make an effort with me.... Just the other day, I was walking down the street and I realized "Im a geordie girl.... I'm from County Durham... I'm in Canada...." Well you know what I mean, it hit me that I have never EVER been out of the UK till I cam here.... Yeah you get it...

I asked him why he never even made an effort with me and he said "Well I made an affort with all my other girlfriends and look where it got me!"... Is that a valid reason? Am I asking too much when I would like him to take me somewhere... Just for the day?

I hinted, I asked and when I actually bitched at him, he said that he would like to do things with me....

But thats the thing you see.... In my eyes, right now, as it stands... I feel as if I have forced it upon him to do this and it has lost all its fun... If he did take me anywhere now.... I wouldn't have fun... The reason why is because now I think that never wanted to in the first place, thats why he was holding it off and holding it off and when I bitched at him finally.... He just said it to shut me up and he is just going to take me somewhere to shut me up.... A half assed attempt at doing something when his heart is not in it at all.... The fact that he doesn't want to do it and never has wanted to, thats why he never did.

It upsets me that this is the conclusion I have came to after a long time being with him... I shouldn't even have had to have hinted, let alone asked to spend some time with him.... He should have wanted to and if he wanted to, he would have done....

Its not just with going places either, I have asked him to do little things, hinted, bitched and he did start but never finished... Why? Because honestly, if his heart is not in it then he really didn't want to in the first place....

I have tried taking him places.... I had to basically drag him kicking and screaming to go because I wanted to do something nice with him... We went to the local lake... Why? Because I HAVE NEVER BEEN ANYWHERE SHORT OF TORONTO TO KNOW MY WAY AROUND HERE!

Should my relationship boil down to an argument when I want to spend some time with him? I want him to want to do something with me, I don't want to bitch or ask or hint....

What do you think? I don't care if you guys bitch at me for being selfish, I guess I am in retrospect so its okay, you can do that if need be.... Just any opinons or advice at all would be helpful because right now, I really don't know what the fuck to do anymore about the whole situation and I am becoming tired of the same shit over and over with him...

Dump the loser. I'll show you the whole friggin country.....might take awhile though, she's a big country.

Hey babes, sorry to hear this. You have some friends out there that you could go with instead? I know it doesn't solve the issue of him not taking you, but I'm just thinking that maybe if you went off to the places you want to go to with your friends and your kid, he may infact realise what he's losing out on?

Just a thought.

Go to the places with your friends if want to. Don't do it just to cajole him into it.

The guy made promises he had no intentions of keeping, that's lame with a capital L. You made it known that it was important to you, and he ignored that.

He doing exactly the same with our daughter now... He is saying he is going to do all this shit for her and not for me now... It must be great for him to be able to let someone down that can't talk back and doesn't understand disappointment.

Dump him and marry me.

It sounds like he is lazy
He doesn't make any effort...and if he is already doing the same to you daughter...well, I would have a long talk with him about the relationship itself.
What does/did he expect from it, ask yourself, if he doesn't change, do I see myself staying with him for many more years?
He might be very sweet and loving, but do you two still have the same goals/needs in your life/relationship.

Going with friends is fun too, but going with him is different, that's what you really want, him to make effort on his own without being asked...
Men, sometimes it takes a ton of bricks before they wake up...
(_some_ men...before all the mens feelings are hurt :-P )

Question ( yeah, i always got questions ) : In the early days of this relationship, did he take you places? Or has it always been like this..

Its always been his story. Never changed... Just putting it off and putting it off... I always have heard "Soon/Wait till my next day off" etc... Yeah its always been the same... At first I was fine about it because I genuinely thought he actually wanted to but was just waiting for the chance. I mean we did have a car back then so I was just waiting really, it would have meant alot to me but he just kept telling me to shut up about it and well... Yeah I did, I didn't talk about it, hint or anything... But neither did he and now we are at this point where its just about too late to do anything because we really don't have car/money/time etc... I am a tough person to crack and yet he managed to hurt me... He said that it wasn't intentional and he is sorry and he is going to try now... But whats the fucking point in trying now when all of this shit could have been avoided if he just tried back then?

He tells me that is past shit and we have to focus on the here and now... I just don't get how he can totally disregard all the promises he made me, without me even saying a word and just tell me that it doesn't matter anymore because that was in the past. Nor can I understand how he can be an asshole about it when I try to talk to him. He tells me to cut him some slack, I have cut him ample slack don't you think? I know that if I just shut up about it yet again, he will just disregard the whole thing and forget about it, slipping back into the excuses. He says he does want to do these things with me, but why has he shown me otherwise? Not just in this too. In other things that mean alot to me... Everything is just... FOrced with him and it hurts me alot because I don't fucking know where to turn or who to talk to anymore because everyone, even my friends know him as this charming guy who "means well" and then they tell me that maybe I am being unreasonable and asking for too much.

Eresh, I do see myself with him, we get along great you know but as soon as an issue arises where he has been insensitive or retarded or an asshole and I want to discuss it with him, he says something completely uncalled for and it pisses me off, the conversation esculates into an argument when I don't want it to and then he twists everything onto me, telling me that I started the argument when really, all I wanted to do was discuss something like an adult. He thinks that I like making him feel bad, I have told him that its not a question of making him feel bad, its about resolving something and if he feels bad because of what I want to talk about then that is his problem.

I can handle being wrong, I mean I was never able to about 5 years ago. I would argue black is white even if I was wrong just because it was for the sake of an argument.... If I really wanted to make him feel bad, I would use some more venomous amunition to do so which is usually what the conversation turns into because he just can't talk, he has to just say something sarcastic or condisending or just damn right fucking stupid to piss me off so bad that I just can't hold my temper.

The arguments usually end with him telling me that I am wrong, its my fault and he is going out/to bed/in a different room, leaving me feeling really shitty and more often than not, crying.

I don't know why he can't discuss things like an adult and just sort it out without being little bitch about about it. I do know that his ex girlfriend used to make him feel bad all the time, call him names and just drag him down every chance she got because she is a bitch (He is telling the truth, I actually tried to have a conversation with her once... Man she is the biggest fucking bitch on the planet and I know a few bitches...) and likes to make people feel bad about themselves.... But you know, I am not her, I am a much better person than her, I don't pull him down, I don't tell him his artwork is shitty and I don't make a fool of him in public, yet why is it everytime I try to talk to him like an adult, he springs into this mode where its about shutting me up in the most efficent and quickest way possible without taking responsability for his own shit?

I have to have massive arguments with him at the very least, 3 or 4 times before he will actually see what I mean and understand. Either that or I have to talk to one of his friends and get his friends to go talk to him about it because for some reason, he listens to them and can have a conversation about it without reverting to petty bullshit.

I Love the guy, I can validate this by telling you all that if I didn't... I really wouldn't waste my time or energy on the retard in the first place, I would have gone already. I want to stay and for that, I only have myself to blame and thats fine. On the whole, we have a fantastic relationship but I mean, why does a discussion have to excel into an argument with him and why can't I just get him to discuss things with me without him doing that?

The whole argument over spending time with me or doing things that mean something to me, it really didn't have to be that way, if we just came to some sort of compramise, anything would be better than getting my hopes up and then letting me down and then arguing about it for ages and it leads to taking all of the meaning out of what would have meant something to me, like now... I don't want to go anywhere with him because it was forced and it feels like I had to argue with him to pull his fucking finger out of his arse... Its fucking fistrating. I don't want to argue, I want answers, he can't give them to me, he can't even talk to me without being an asshole. I mean, do any of you have anything for me? Just any advice will do right now because I am totally at a loss. I will stress to you all that I really don't want to leave him but I am begining to consider it as the whole bullshit is getting really fucking old. Like I said, I love the guy and I can see a future with him but I just can't get the fuck through to him without arguing over the same shit over and over and over. Is there anything I can do at all?

What if you buy the bustickets to Niagra falls and surprise him?
How would he react?

If you're sure you want this relationship, talk talk talk.
It takes time because people don't change easy (old behavior/thinkingpatterns that you have for years take time to change).
What I always have to look out for is watch that I talk from my feelings, I feel like...this and that...blabla...and not in an accusing way...YOU...blabla and YOU blabla...(like I tended to do a lot out of frustraton).
You can't change the past, only try to make the future better.
So if you take a new starting point or something you don't have to point back to the past (should have done this or that, because he can't changed the way he acted in the past, only in the present)
Maybe tell him some of the things you wrote here, or write him a letter, about your feelings, then he has it black & white that you are not out to hurt him like his past girlfriend.

If nothing works and it keeps being frustrating and ending in walking away angry, I think it is worth trying relationship therapy.
There they are not going to tell you he is wrong or you are wrong etc, but they teach better ways of interacting and argueing.

From what I read here you love him and you're willing to fight for it.
Discuss it with him. :-)

Yeah, let me switch into serious mode . . . Okay: It sounds like he's an emotional manipulator. There is no excuse for treating someone like that; if someone loves you it means that they want to spend time with you. If he could give you a legitimate reason for why he can't go interesting places with you and all he is doing is keeping you on the sidelines . . . Almost like a mistress if you will pardon the expression: Then, when you try to advocate for yourself he throws it back into your face and tries to make you seem like the one who is being crazy and unreasonable. You should know what's going on and think you've got a good idea, thankfully you've got too stout of a spine to completely fall for the bullshit it sounds like this guy is trying to pull. From whatyou have just written he has the classic patterns of someone who is an emotional abuser and they know how to be charming people.
Here; read up on this and be sure to look at the handy checcklist presented for signs of emotional abusers and you'll see what I mean: http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com...mesticviolence
I know it may be a frightening thing to think about but think hard about if it is worth being with this guy if you can't count on him when it really counts for the times when you enjoy his company.

This sounds exactly like what my girlfriend says about her ex-husband.

You need to evaluate what you want from the relationship. One mistake women make is thinking that they can change their man's behavior. It doesn't ever happen.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason he's with you is your daughter?

You must know that's complete horseshit. He never had any intention of doing anything with you. That 'Look where it got me with those other girls' line should make that clear.

I bet the here and now doesn't involve fufilling his promises.

Cause he doesn't respect your feelings.

Of that you can be sure.

cause he lies

Again, lack of respect.

see previous response

You sure? perhaps it's just fear of being alone

I got 4 days off work coming up, a car, and the Cabot Trail to show you.

Hmm....that's gonna make our trip kinda awkward....

yes but he hasn't been too good with the daughter even....

A-fucking-men.

You HAVE to see what you want in Canada.
Ask him how he'd feel if when you get back to England he won't be able to go further than Chester le Street, and Stonehenge, the Yorkshire moors, and all the castles and crap will be off limits to him.

It's not just like it's local, like if you lived in England and you went to Paris but missed out a on a few things. So what? Go again.

Len, it sounds to me like he's not listening to you.
If he wanted more than hints and you gave them, and he's still not acting, then I think he's probably switching off when you open up.
You need to get his attention.

If money is an issue and you need to save, it really would, for me, be worth delaying your return by a few months just so you can see these places, as you never know, it might end up being your only chance.

He may say that when you are here you will still be going back to Canada now and again to visit his family, but in my experience, those are not the times to explore, as most of those visits are spent in someone's living room eating biscuits.
As you can tell, I have regrets about not seeing all I should.....wake him up, make him take you seriously. remove all distraction and sit in a room with him until he really understands how strongly you feel, and if that doesn't work, then you know something very big is wrong.

Good luck

I disagree wholeheartedly. What you need from him is respect; it's what you deserved right from the start, and you haven't gotten it. He's not taking you seriously, he never has and never will. If he hasn't given you respect by now, he's not going to. You're well past the point of communicating how you feel. He knows how you feel, he just doesn't care.

Dump the arsehole.