How's it going Lenina?

I really hesitate to do this and have you go off on me:

but I will do it, because I care. This hit me hardest:

Frankly, you have been so snowed by this guy it makes me want to drive up there and get you and your daughter and bring you back here so you won't ever have to deal with him again.

He is selfish and cruel, and I'm sorry that you got involved with him, BUT you got your daughter out of it, and that is SO worth it all. Now, in my opinion, you need to tell him he either gets his ass into counseling and he has to FIX his issues or you are out with the baby and that's it.

This guy will hurt you for the rest of your life, but worse, he'll ruin that child.

As a different point of view..

Len, have a unique conversation with him...

To start: get 1 large pad of paper and 2 pens/pencils/crayons..

Then sit down at the table and coverse through writing.. NO SPEAKING ALOUD!!

You know how hard it is to argue with ink?? ( Oh wait.. you do that on DF all the time LOL )

But seriously, try it once.. Tell him that you need to try this.. And don't say anything once you start.. If he speaks, ignore it! Just slide the pad to him and point to it.. or write "what?" and slide it to him....

Doing this gives you a breather between sentences so you don't go off the handle. It keeps you from cutting each other off, and you can look back later to remind yourself how it went, and who said what.. Don't use a computer.. do it pen/pencil/crayon and paper!!

Let me know if you do it.. And how it goes/went..

I do that! (well, kind of)

It's like when you have to visit your kids school or something, so you write down all your questions.

It may sound brutal, but I once wrote out a list of everything my husband did that drove me mad, and how it made me feel. He couldn't interrupt, and I was able to think hard about exactly how I felt, with no emotional blurting or interrupting, and every area gets covered.

A top method all round.

I'm starting to get a little worried about her now . . .

Same here....

She's ok.
They talked.
I think she just wants to get on with life rather than dwelling on this.

Ah good, I hope it was a talk with a positive outcome :-)

Then he shoulda told her that, instead of saying he'd take her just to shut her up.

All the more reason to dump him them. The child will learn a valuable lesson; that you don't have to put up with bullshit.

That is such crap. She's a baby, with no concept of right or wrong. How would this impact her? She'd grow up without close contact with a parent, which is definitely not a desirable situation or one that Leanne wants to create again.

I don't know if you've gathered this yet but it's not a throwaway relationship.
With a proper, adult, long term relationship you have to make sacrifices and compromises. You may not like them but if you love someone then that's what you do. You don't just say 'ah fuck it, you wont take me to these places I'd like to go, let's break up'. Do you not see how ludicrous that is?!

They've been through a lot worse than this. I doubt you know any more about their relationship than what's been expressed here; I do, and it's clear that Seb loves her and Sorcha very much.

Yeah, what Sybs said.

I don't mean this in a nasty way Qoji, but you don't seem to grasp the importance of a union cemented by children.
The only times you can just cut and leave wihtout trying are when the solid lines of repeated physical abuse, etc, are crossed. Serious things.

It would set an awful example to a child if their parents didn't explore every avenue of reconcilliation and problem solving before ending a relationship. Even if you fall out of love with someone, it can be worth trying to make things new again, getting counselling, before breaking up a home.

I will admit that my judgment of the situation might be innaccurate. Afterall, I know next to nothing about the relationship (Plus I think that I linked to the wrong webpage by accident). However, I still see that kind of behavior as a warning sign. Also, just because someone is nice to you the majority of the time, it doesn't give them the right to be abusive to you at other times.
It is a sticky situation though because she does have a child and if Lenina does leave him would she still be able to return to the UK or would she be stuck there for a while?
Situations like this are never that cut and dry and that's what makes it so hard to settle on a course of action. I stand by what I said earlier: Is being with him for the times when he is good to you worth being with him in spite of the times when he is hurtfull?

He's hardly abusive...
Things hurt in relationships. A lot. People say things/don't say things, do things/don't do things which can sting badly, but it doesn't mean they intended to hurt the other.
Seb has hurt Len before, Len has hurt Seb before.
This is in no way the last or the biggest problem they will face, but it's been tackled, and I think the best way everyone could help now is by letting this lie and not churning it up again, even with the best of intentions.

Okay, so I haven't been here in a while, I think it's high time for an update, just so you guys don't think I'm being an idiot.

It is nice to know you all care enough to hand out advice. I really am greatful wheather you think my situation is really bad or just minor.

Now we did have an argument again recently about these things. I wouldn't say argument, I would say (in the words of my auntie Joan) a "debate". Things were said, that made it clear to me that he is an arsehole but that got me to thinking... All men are arseholes in some way or another. Most men are less sensitive than women and sometimes, more or less, things like this happen and I must say that most women really don't put up with that shit. Thats fine, I am with him by choice and not by force.

Okay so I will start with the new situation and just hope that some of you understand. (especially the women as they have vaginas and most of them understand better)

So next week he is going take a few days off work and rent a car... He has reserved a car at some rental place in my area, I actually went there with him. He wants to take me to niagra falls... Wonderful... I didn't show much enthusism and I think he knows why but he is still set on dong it no matter much I go "Whatever"... I feel like it is forced because we argued, he says that I opened his eyes and made him aware of what he was doing... Still doesn't help that fact we have argued over it time and time again and that makes me upset because I really shouldn't have had to have asked, let alone argued about it. So he is making an effort now... Wheather it is forced or not is a different story but at least he is doing something rather than keep us in that point where all we do is argue and bitch at eachother.

We have also agreed not to argue anymore... Werll argue to the point where we were arguing these past few months. I think we both have tendencies to blow things out of proportion and say things we really don't mean. We are going to try and take a better approach to things I guess.

He does love me, he really does. I wanted to just say that I am not some 16 year old kid dating an arsehole who cheats on me and then tells me that I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Seb and I have built this life togeather, with our daughter and he shows that he loves and respects me every day (When we don't argue). He is quitting his job and leaving his family and friends just to come with me to the UK so I can be closer to my son. Tell me, if someone didn't respect or love you, would they give up a well paid job, their family and thier friends to move to a different country? But it's not about that either, he does other things for me, granted they aren't big things but he still does them.

I really can't prove things on here, I am not trying to protect him from being called abusive and disrespectful, clearly, sometimes he can be disrespectful and an unfeeling arsehole and things border to abusive (not just him bordering to abusive either... I throw objects at him sometimes and he just stands there and takes it) on rare occasions but I am not some fragile woman who doesn't know how to handle herself. I don't take shit from many people and I am sure as hell not afraid of being alone. I'm not the type of person to stick around in an abusive relationship, I don't like feeling trapped. If that were the case, I would gladly be alone.

As far as relationships go, yeah I do get upset sometimes, I sometimes don't know how to handle a situation and need advice and on rare occasion, I actually get really fustrated and just end up turning into this total lost puppy because it is out of my control.

Seb has been there for me, like Sybs has said, he has been there for me through the good and bad times, he has fucked up too but how many of you here and now can tell me that they have never fucked up in a relationship? I know I have.

I am actually looking forward to going home, it will be a huge sigh of relief, I can see my son again, my disfunctional family again, visit my mothers resting place and Seb is going to be right beside me (Maybe not beside me the first few times when I see my son again, I don't want my son to get too confused and I would like to introduce Seb gradually). I have plans to take him places, show him my country. Seb actually suggested that we go back to England, he wants me to be close to my son and wants me to help both Peter and B financially and in any other way that I possibly can.

He does care and I do think that some of his influences are his own shit that he has to deal with on his own. (AKA, his mother, she was a VERY controlling woman to the point of telling the doctor he had bad mental issues so that the doctor would put him on meds that made her easier to control him, I know that for a fact, I have seen her try it.) I have helped him seperate himself from some of the influences that pervented him from living his life the way he wanted to but I think he just needs to be more aware of is attitude towards me and be more sensitive when it comes to my feelings.

I do not think for a second that I can change his nature, I just hope that he doesn't think that he can change mine. I know that this is not in his nature though, I know that he follows this train of thought after some bad experiences with his ex-girlfriends which is okay, it is however up to me to show him that I am not his ex-girlfriends and I mean no harm when I make him aware that he is doing something that upsets me and he he is not being very sensitive about it, but I could take a better approach rather than the little digs here and there and the sarcasm to make him feel like crap now and then and I am guilty of doing that more often than not.

We are partners in this, I dunno, maybe I could show him a little more compassion too instead of taking on the sarcasm attitude and having little digs at him here and there?

What do you think?

Double friggin' posts!

Well, glad to hear that things are working out..
Don't forget to let us know how your trip to the falls goes

To be honest Neena, it sounds just like every long term relationship I know of.
Most of my friends who are married with kids have periods of pulling their hair out, and I think these are good, as these are the periods of adjustment where you lay down the blue prints, or pull each other out of lazy bad habits.

My friend has been married for 15 years and she recently had to sit her husband down and read him the riot act, and they had a month of trying to get each other to understand where each other was coming from, and I spent a whole day listening to her woes, but he made an effort ( it was the same thing, he never wanted to go anywhere or do anything, and she's German and wants to see some of England) and then realised how nice these family days out can be once you're bothered.

I really think this is normal, these things aren't easy, and as you both seem able and willing to work at this, your love will see you through.

I really do wish the pair, or rather the three of you, the best.

I agree wholeheartedly with Nivvie. I find it more unnerving when couples don't argue! It's a learning curve, and it's cliche - but if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger. You both appear to have fiery tempers (from what little I know) so the important thing is compromise, because it's obviously a relationship worth fighting for.

Good luck! and I can't wait to see you in the UK!