I dont know if Ill get any answers...but I dont know if Im even looking for them...I just dont know what Im doing. My best friend died from a heart failure, well it was more complicated than that, but I dont wanna get into it. She past away December 31...So I guess It really hasnt been so long, but I cant seem to get myself over it. Im pulling away from everyone that used to matter to me, and Im just parinoid that Im going to lose everyone else. I dunno what people can say, Ive talked to a few friends, and they all either tell me to get over it...or get mad at me...or something...
Ive also got this friend whos trying to kill himself. So who does he come to? Me...go figure huh? Well I dont have the answers for him...or for me. So Why have I lost myself in fearing losing everyone else?

guess what? you are... everyone does... thats the catch to life, eventually you have to die...

well, everyone ELSE has to die. I plan on living forever like Hob.

and Michael Jackson, too.

except im not a freaky pedophile.

It'll take a long time.Talk to people you trust and take it easy for a few months.Sorry hun
*hugglez*
~*Amy

Thanks guys...for the honesty I guess. It comes in waves, butt people get mad at me for being so off-y. I dont want to take it easy, Im not allowed to...Im supposed to help everyone else through this. *sigh* I guess theres really nothing anyone can say or do huh? lifes a bitch...

and then you die.... see you're getting it already...

only with ur loving guidence hun...

Hmmmm...

1. If people are getting mad at you cos you are grieving the loss of a friend they can "GET A LIFE!"

If they are indeed friends then they should understand that you need a little support. If they don't get that then they need to go soak their heads! I'd suggest completly underwater for a good 30 minutes in some cases.

2. As far as not being able to take it easy... uh the last time I checked you were not the center of the universe. If you don't take care of yourself you are not really worth much to anybody else.

Personally I gave up trying to save the universe a few years ago. It was driving me more crazy than I already was.

This rant is worth exactly what you paid for it.

NOTHING!!!!!!!!

So... Take what you like and leave the rest.

Namaste!

Uz

Actually Uz, ur right, I know that they need to back off, and even tho they arnt backing off, its because they dont want to loose me anymore than I want to lose them, and I know I cant save the universe, I just dont know how to stop trying. Like I was ranting about in my journal, its just the shit is everywhere and Im the one they want and think can fix it...
You gave me the reality check I needed *hugglez* thanks.

Yuppers it is a hard habit to break. I was the friggin center of the universe for far too long. Found some friends who helped me pull my head outta my ass. But believe you me I shove it right back up in a heartbeat sometimes.

Anyway... Take some time grieve your loss. There is no such thing as bad feelings. So feel'em and don't kick yourself for'em.

And...

Ranting helps...

so rant away.

Namaste

The UZ

Thanks hun,
I know theres no such thing as bad feelings, Ive said, theres always a purpose to everything. And its easy to see what the purpose was that you actually responded to this post so justly, I think weve got alot in common. Ive already started to the steps back, out of the ceneter, but it doesnt make me feel anybetter. I guess I know that theres my loved ones that are hurting, and I want to help them, and there are so many that need to be loved. Plus whenever I pull away, Im labled "weak", and they throw everything from snide remarks, to backstabbing, to counclers down my throat.
Plus, my last good friend, before bethy that is, She backstabbed me, and finally just said that I had too many issues for her, and I had a few too many scars...I dont want to end up being as superficial as she is...

Now, for probably the first serious answer. You are getting to hung-up on it. I greived for a long time after my Father's death and didn't know what to do. If you ever heard you'll be over it in a year, it only happens if you move on with your life.

There are many things you can do. Take time to pay attention to the people that are still alive. One of them might go too and you'll missed that opportunity too. Try to make you own life better. After-all you were lucky enough to have a good heart. They would want it that way.

Turning a loved one into an inspiration can do wonders. When I don't feel like going to work or school, I think of my Father. I still owe him a lot. I was very depressed for a long time. It's hard right now. You can still continue on though. You should remember that nothing will fill the void, but it doesn't have to be filled either.

I think Im doing the opposite, Im pulling away from the ones that are still here because Im scared that they will go, and I figure, hey if Im not there anymore than it wont hurt....psst...Ill let you in on a secret...Im lying to myself.

Bethy Is my inspiration theres no doubt about it, she showed me so much in life, but maybe even more in death. I know that I cant give up, because I have to do what she cant do, I have to see the world taht she wont ever be able to see. I have more to do with my life, even if I dont see it she did, hence why so many times she stopped me from killing myself, she was done, her purpose was to show me what I had to do...but its just hard to keep the motivation to do that.
I cant help but thank you, I can see that you know what ur saying, not to lecture me, but to actually save us both. Thanks you, *hugglez* ur welcome to my angels anytime sweets...

You are welcome. Any time.

~ huggles ~

I cant help stil waiting to pull away, and the difference now is that people are letting me. I need out but theres no where I can go and I know that no matter where I end up theres going to be shit for me to deal with. Its everywhere. I know taht Im just going to end up back with the superficial crowd, but maybe its not my place to decide what kinda of people they are I mean theres good in everyone, I refuse to believe otherwise.

I know that i cant give up, but sometimes its just soo tempting, the people that used to matter, like My close friends, just dont, I find myself avoiding them, ignoring them and completely annoyed by them...Am I doing the right thing pulling away from what brings me down? Or am I doing a selfish thing pulling away from people who may "need" me?

i understand that you're still grieving and it must be a very hard thing to go through. i've lost close friends and family too. but the people who care about you most, your real friends, are still alive and you can't ignore them or simply eliminate them from your life. it doesn't work like that. all u are doing is digging yourself a deeper hole, no pun intended. if you shut them out of your life, before you know it there won't be anybody there for you anymore. i hate therapy too but it may be good to talk to someone about your problems. we on darkforum can only offer so much advice. blessed be and with much love,

"Real Friends" Don't fool yourself. Even if they are superfisal they are your "Real Friends." They mey not be that in tune with your feelings or want to be. Not talking about things that hurt or embarrass is natural. There is no telling what they are going through and sometimes that is good. Enjoying people without dragging up the past is more fun and makes you start thinking about different aspects of life and the future.

I dont want to do anything differently. I know what Im doing bu i cant help it, i dont want to have them around because It just seems to bring more problems and more shit. I dont want to talk to someone that wont understand, or rather, whos being paid to understand. I dont know what to do anymore, its not even that im just grieving for bethany anymore, that helps, but its more like it just showed me how easily that one person could just leave, and you know that things arnt going to change, that the change between life and death is terminal. Theres nothing more outside of that. And if one person could have such an effect on so many people then I mean how senitmental and superficial are we? What can people do for us? besides bring us down. They bring us their problems, theyre drugs, they want us to care when they cant even care about themselves enough to see what they are doing to those that do care. Its just a vicious circle of complete shit. GRRR...any ways sorry about that...Im done thats a whole nother rant and rave... I think Ill post some of my poems that I wrote for bethy on the poetry board, then again...Ive never gotten a good response from those things, people just ignore me...*tear*

Here is a story. I don't know if it will help you, but it start in when I was only fifteen.

Driving down the road one night with an old friend we got to talking. When my Father first passed away I left some details out. In fact, I tried to make it seem like it was a skiing accident, even though I didn't say that. Trying to open up and come clean about the real facts behind his death I mentioned that he was shot or shot himself on Mt. Hood. It was left at shot himself. Before is was just an accident by the ski resort.

Later on she went behind my back and told everyone that I was a liar. That I was trying to be cool by saying he was shot. Eventually, I stopped talking to her at all. It was a good thing. Still even later in relationships when I would tell people what had happened they would make fun of me. One guy even went so far as to say, "What would your Father say if he was alive now. I have a splitting headache."

Personally, I can never forgive her. (It's a good thing I'm Jewish. Forgivness isn't a part of the religon. It's a personal choice.) Later on several years later we ran into eachother at a concert I was helping to host. A mutal friend was chosen to open. I told the guys fronting the money about them. As we sat there she told me her Brother had been shot and it was in the newspapers.

My first thought was she is lying. I still think she is lying by-te-way. Just a tacky little nudge at me to bring me down somemore. Other than that if he did pass away I might be a jerk. Because I think she's is a tacky, selfish, peice of sh*t that if luck ever happens her oh so f*cking cooler than thou b*tch, c*nt ass will arrive DOA on the stretcher and I'll be lucky enough to hear about it.

As you can see people are sensitive when someone dies. Remember the feelings of those around you. Bethany was your best friend. As you can see though sometimes your worst enemy or aquaintance can become your best friend and your bestfriend becomes the raggidy ass b*tch that you'll one day spit on their grave.

So since then my Aunt, Grandfather, three cousins, one cousin was a really close friend I was going to ask to move in with me and several other people are missing out of my life. I learned though. Every month I visited me Grandfather in the old folks home and hold on to those memories. I even movedto Texas to make sure my Mom knew I love her. These things money has no value for.