O.k. so thus far this week has been a shit week. Monday was my daughters birthday, still unable to be there for it, which, as usual, put me in a piss poor mood. Tuesday I came to know that her mother had another baby on saturday, and it had an effect on me that I did not expect. I felt pain, it hurt, it felt like the knife she stuck in almost 5 years ago, had been twisted and dug in a little bit deeper.

I am now starting to get my head around what I have learned, but I still do not know how to deal with what I feel. I am not so much confused as confounded by this, mostly by the fact that this one little occurance, this new birth, has ripped wide open a wound that I had thought as closing. It is also confounding in that this is the same woman who has gotten me the most pissed off than I have ever been in my life, fucking seeing red pissed, and yet.......... and yet I find I still have feelings for this woman, and I do not know how to handle this wave, this emotional flood that I am now experiencing.