I am really worried I have fucked things up with Bell.

Those that know me should know just how much of an insecure pain the ass I can be.

Well I ain't changed any.

Bell is the most amazing person I have ever met and I love her for all that she is. She actually makes me happy thou with the way I act I doubt she realises just how much.

And what do I do in return for the love she gives?

As usual I push and I push until it hurts her more than I realise.

I am never see until too late. I am a stupid man who lets his irrational fears control him and let them ruin all that she does.

I want to be with Bell and I miss her so, but instead of letting things take their course I pick at the negatives and only see the worst of things.

WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

I am truly sorry for the things I do, I am childish and foolish and a lot more things beside.

But I do lover her, that I do know.

I would like advice from my friends, really, I do not want to lose her and do not want to hurt her anymore.

My true friends have my number, please call me and help me. She is the most important thing to me and I owe it to her and myself to stop being like this.

To Bell, if you read this I mean it.

I wish I did not behave the way I do, it makes me digusted at myself and I am very ashamed. Sorry is not enough.

Paul

Well if you really want to try and work things out with her. Then why not sit down and have a talk with her about it. I don't know what else to say besides that. Hoped that i helped out a some even though my little advise wasn't very much. Take care and i hope that everything will work out between you two.

I wish I could but we can't. She is at present 12,000 miles away in New Zealand. My whole thing is I am not coping well with the distance thing.

I can't even call her as most of the time her phone is not plugged in.

Also she is very unwell and I know that I am not helping.

Thanx Shy

hmm... think about it man... is she better off? cause thats what love is man, when you your sig other's more important than your rutting.

ask it... honestly... then move on.

Actually we talked most of last night and it turned out she has all the same fears as I do, just I gave them a voice where she chose to hide them.

We got a lot of things sorted and I lost a lot of insecurities. I unburdened a lot of stuff and felt the better for it.

Maybe I am not the best person in a relationship, but at least I am working towards being better, and with her help it looks like this time things will work out.

thats a good step in the right direction. If she loves you as much as you do her, then as hard as it is, she has to not let you pull away. The insecurities arnt going to go away by themselves...they only grow...you just need to have faith in her, and trust yourself

trust...? how does that quote go?

Give me your trust, said the Aes Sedai.
On my shoulders I support the sky.
Trust me to know and to do what is best,
and I will take care of the rest.

But trust is the color of a dark seed growing.
Trust is the color of a heart's blood flowing.
Trust is the color of a soul's last breath.
Trust is the color of death...*

Give me your trust, said the queen on her throne,
for I must bear the burden all alone.
Trust me to lead and to judge and to rule,
and no man will think you a fool.

But trust is the sound of the grave-dog's bark.
Trust is the sound of betrayal in the dark.
Trust is the sound of a soul's last breath.
Trust is the sound of death.