I need more advice...

My eldest daughters father called sunday night, wanting to reestablish his relationship. i bear him no ill will, i was young and stupid, and he was the preverbial bad boy. But now he's married, looking into buying a home and wants to write, call and exchange pictures...

Normally i would not mind...but i haven't heard anything from him, including child support for three years, last time we met he was talking about marrying one girl, asking me to stay with him, and then telling his mother he was thinking of trying for custody...

My dilemma now is how to explain to my six year old the difference between a papa and her father, there is no custody aggreement, and he's mentioned doing something for visitation(he lives in chicago)*sighs*

i'm playing it by ear, being nice, and not restricting his contact, but i would appreciate some advice, experiences or suggestions other people may have had when dealing with a bad boy(or girl) from their past, custody and the legalities that can come of it all.

Its really difficult, because when they have a past history you don't know whether to trust them with your child's feelings.

If she is anything like you, then she will be intelligent enough to understand, and at 6 she is not so young that she will get confused.

Do you object to having him in your home? if not then I suggest trial visitation on home ground where your daughter feels safe and you can keep an eye on how they interact.
I fear that if you do not allow him this then he will try for custodial rights or at the very least visitation.

Before any contact is made between them ask her how she feels about it. It is her life too, if she doesn't want to see her biological father then in no way should it be forced.
He could still see her, but not as a father, as an uncle or a family friend would.

she's already asking what her father is, and why she has one...that's going to be the hard part, she's in the "why" stage...and then when i was checking the mail asked if there was anything for her...they've spoke on the phone, he's told her he'll write her...letting him pay to come see her is a wonderful idea...I like it sybelle

Jordyn...

i havnt been in your situation and i do not intend on it,but my best advice is to put an order on him that doesnt let him come within 100 yards or so of you(restraining order)...i forgot what they were called for a moment.Or just tell him to back off or you will tell his daughter how horrible he is and only allow him to see her one day every other weekend
~*Amy
goodluck

3 years without child support balanced by no custody agreement = bad legal position for both of you... more than likely (unless hes rich now), you'll have primary custody with him able to visit (but he'll probably have to fit the travel bill both ways)...

personally, id explain calmly and quietly that if he wants any contact with M- he'd have to go to Montana or call and send pics and presents... if hes honest, then ease him into her life again. but the dude ISNT her Father... he's her genetic progenator...

The advantage you have is that she's six.
At six if you tell her something she'll understand, as long as you cover the Why question.
Why is the only question that matters because it gives understanding rather than knowledge.

Kids that age just need to understand, you doin't have to go into too much factual detail, give her the why and she'll sort it out for herself, remember, she hasn't had the social conditioning to ad any sort of stigmatism to the situation so she should be fine with it, she may even see it as a novelty situation.

If you want to be nice you could tell her that he wanted to be her Papa but he wasn't able or that He didn't know how to be a good as her Papa.
Don't say he Is not as good rather he Was not as good.

Don't put him down in front of her, advise him the same.
If you have to put him on a lower level make excuses for him, if you introduce any kind of bad feeling into the situation it will never be possible to remove it, keep it congenial.

Keep the situation balanced

i have no issues with him at all, he's a good guy, he was just involved in some bad stuff...i can't imagine why i'd put him down...

i appreciate all the advice...it's helped out a lot.

i'll just let it play itself out, and tomarrow at my parenting group there are other mothers having custody issues, so i'll have them advise me to...on the brightside, she's so wired, i doubt he'd want to keep her after a few visits, I'll just tell her to have fun

but again thank you very much for the advice, and i can always use more

Just remember, you can throw anything at a six year old and their life will never become complicated.


Oh to be six again

good point, they just make your life complicated

bah... my life was complicated at six... of course, i was kicking nuns in the shins and teaching curses to all the upperclassmen at that point...

i was not ur normal child.

are you suggesting you're normal now? I prefer abnormal children, they may be hellions that turn you gray, but they make life less boring...just uber stressful!

6 was the best age...all i did was clean for my mom and live in great pb,ny.

i miss pb...


~*Amy

so how did the meeting go?? or has it not gone yet..

I've been on both ends...

at the same time? kinky

okay..take this conversation to the odd thread..this is custody experiences, or the lack of a parenting plan...it's something that i am concerned about...he hasn't called again...so maybe he got it out of his system *crosses her fingers*

the guilty phase passed..?

i don't know...silly gang bangers.

fwah...

haha.."gang bangers"..reminds me of an icp song...haha thats on milenko i belive




or darklotus..