i trust this will stay here, where it belongs. anything i say here shouldn't be taken anywhere else. i use this as my safe place. please keep it that way. i expect that you all will, out of common decency.

well, it's been nearly a week since my last escopade. yes, i went to avella. yes, i was hanging out with guys i hardly knew. yes, i was partying hard. but do you know what? disappearing for a few days and then getting my ass chewed out harder by my friends than by my own mother isn't worth it.

yes, that's right, you all heard me. i'm done with everything. i'm done partying, worrying, getting screamed at, being hated... i'm done with it all. and most of all, i'm done caring. i'm completely finished with having emotion for people that couldn't give two shits about me. and i realized this after being completely fucked off by my best friend in the world. i just can't fucking care anymore. i can't get myself into emotional tatters over it anymore. over anything. i don't have the strength, the time, or anything else. fuck everyone. i'm tired of everyone's games. i'm completely sick of everyone trying to get over on me. i'm tired of fake emotions, people leading me, people stabbing me in the back, plastic smiles, and anything else in that line. fuck you fakes. fuck all of you. pretty much fuck 99% of the fucking world right now. i'm tired of people and if i wasn't involved in college and things of that sort, i would just fade away into nothing but my job... it's not worth it. nothing is worth all of the bullshit that i'm going through. so fuck it. I DON'T FUCKING CARE. i don't give a shit about anyone who doesn't give a fuck about me. which is almost everyone i know. fuck you and your bullshit.

there's just too much shit that pisses me off right now. i've been consistantly pissed off for the past month or so. there are a few, brief, nice moments where i'm ok. but generally, i'm pissed off. everytime i turn around, there is a person waiting behind me to stab me in the back. everytime i talk, people turn away, or tell me that i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about. fuck you. i know more about myself than anyone could ever claim to know. there is one person in this world that comes close to knowing me and that's only because he's been there through it all and has been let in. and this is the exact reason i don't let anyone in. i'm pissed off now, but think of how destroyed i'd be if all of these fucking assholes were inside my being...

so there it is. i'm not sure who is who, and who wants what from me. and i have no idea who is still on my side. i've heard so many things, i'm just tired of listening. i'm tired of living. but it's not like i want death. i just want to go away... disappear for awhile... there are places i could go, but now i'm fucking tied down with school. dammit. so i'm stuck here for the next 2-8 years, depending on the route i take. sure, i look to another day where it might be ok... but i'm tired of living in this same loop of endless bullshit. too many lies, too many fake smiles, and plastic beings. there's not enough authenticity.

so here's the score, for anyone who is interested. i'm in love with someone that is beyond my reach, i'm interested in someone who i can never get in touch with who loves me to death, my friends have pretty much turned their backs on me for various reason, the other ones piss me off by acting like my parents, and i'm poor.

yes, i'm in love with my ex. still. i always will be. despite the warnings i've received from everyone, i know there's something there between him and i. i love him. not the desperate love i felt when i was a child, but this strong bond to him that's always been there. him and i have sort of been dating for a little bit. we see each other, go out to movies, and talk almost every night. sort of like when we were younger before things got horribly complicated. he still holds out hope for his whore of a girlfriend to come back to him after she gets home from the military. none of the rest of us think she will. and i think that's the reason why he's trying to rebuild with me, in some weird way. he wants something comfortable and sure to fall back into. he's a romantic... he wants to one day get married, and have a bunch of kids with a wife that he loves very much. i don't doubt that he loves me... i just know that it's his curiousity that keep him and i apart at this moment. and he's come out of his asshole stage. does that guarentee that he won't do it again? no. but i know exactly what i'm getting into, so i'm not going to cry and bitch and be crushed if something goes wrong. my life doesn't revolve around him. nor will it ever again. my life will revolve around no one. it will have no focal point. fuck that. it's a set up for a let down. i will love him and cherish the moments that i have with him until the moment of truth comes. and if i'm not with him, i at least know that he'll be my best friend until death.

as it goes with my friends, the ones that like to turn their back on me, and talk enormous amounts of shit behind my back... yeah well i don't really feel like ranting about that right now. "not feeling like ranting?! are you feverish?!" you must exclaim to yourself. no, i'm feeling fine. it's just that i don't feel like getting into it because there's just too many fragmented pieces in my mind. as soon as i get it all together, you can be damned sure you'll hear about it. what's going on right now reminds me of this one scene from a movie that i was watching on TV one day:

this girl was calling out to this one guy who was with his girlfriend. she called to him, and he ignored her until she called out his real first name. he told his girlfriend to wait, and he went to this other girl. (apparently, they had been fucking) she asked him if he was coming to this one party and he said he wasn't. she asked why not and he replied that his girlfriend didn't want to go because his girlfriend was scared the shit out of by the girl. then the girl asked him why he couldn't go without his girlfriend and he went into how him and her were together for 2 years and he wasn't about to fuck it up. and basically said to the girl, beat it, i don't want to see you anymore. then, as he walked away, the girl stretched out her arms, looked to the sky and screamed, "is there anyone that hasn't fucked me over?"

is there? it seems like everyone i know has fucked me over. in some way or another, at some point, i can't think of anyone that hasn't fucked me over in some way or another. well fuck this dishonest, high-school drama, bullshit. i wish the world would fucking grow up.

the last, but not least thing that pisses me off at this moment is how i decided to disappear to avella over the weekend. i didn't tell anyone where i was going, who i was with, or what i was doing. i just left. and i had a fun ass time too. but that 24 hours worth of fun was not worth the next three days worth of bitching. i had 17 year olds up the ass bitching at me about how it wasn't right that i did that, and blah blah blah. you know what? i know that i fucked up. alright? but guess what?! you aren't my fucking parents! you didn't birth me, you didn't raise me, and i'm an adult. so therefore, fuck you. i especially don't take kindly to younger people telling me that i'm immature, irresponsible and what the fuck ever. what the hell do they know about being a 19 year old, confused, college kid?! nothing! that's what! yeah, i know i fucked up big time on that one, but guess what?! i don't care! as long as my own mother isn't jumping down my throat about it, then it's ok. and my parents are pretty strict compared to most. they care, but they are going to let me make my own mistakes.

yes, i've been fucking up left and right lately. i've been crying over it, yes, because i feel bad that i can't get anything right. but you know what i realized? it's the trial and error of youth. you try something, you fuck up, you get over it. end of story. when you're 19 and haven't had much freedom prior to this moment, you're bound to experiment with a few things here and there. yeah, i do know i went a little overboard with it, but you know, it happens. shit happens. that's one of my favorite motto's as of late. you live, you learn, and you go on. i'm not making the same mistakes over and over. i'm making different ones, and that at least tells me that i'm making progress. i've always been a stubborn little bastard. i ALWAYS listen to advice, and most of the time take it when it makes sense to me. but when people are trying to shove stuff down my throat that i don't know too much about (and they don't know from experience either) then i get pissed off. i have to try things for myself. i have to experience things in my own way. and if i mess up, then it's on me. no one else, just me. so the world needs to leave me the fuck alone, because i'm not the only one who makes mistakes here...

ok, i think i'm done for tonight. have a merry christmas guys. i know mine's actually been pretty good so far. despite all the ranting i've done it's just an outlet for me and entertainment for you. i'll return later to get more in soon in the meantime, be fun and be safe. oh yeah, and be yourself.

Yes, friends do suck at some points. I've had just about everyone I know stab me in the back at least once or twice. One of my best friends has done it to me 3 times now in a matter or 6 months. It's getting annoying and if she does it again, than she's out of my life. I don't need that shit anymore.

Yeah, I do agree that getting bitched at sucks, but it's also good because it tells you who cares and who doesn't. Half the time they're doing it because they DO care, and the other half is just because they're mad. It's up to you to decide which is which.

But, despite that bad things, I hope you have a good Christmas. Just forget about everything bad and enjoy what you have.

well i am glad that i don't have any friends at all in real life. when you don't have any friends at all the better off you are. cause you don't have to worry about people talking shit about you. you don't have to worry about someone stabbing you in the back. you don't have to worry about being hated by people. you don't have to worry about getting caught up in drama bullshit. yeah other times i do feel alone that i don't have any friends. but once when i think that i am alone and how i don't have any friends. i think about all those things that i have told you and then i will feel better about it. oh well cheer up sweetie. you have a mary christmas. most things will get patched up in your life and it will take sometime for it to patch up.

it's like what chris hall from stabbing westward says:

if i must be lonely, i think i'd rather be alone...

merry christmas to you too, shy

yes EXACTLY!

that is from the song called "save your self." i know my shit.


how did your christmas go?

hell yeah...

my christmas was pretty good. i got a lot of useful, wonderful things (if it's not useful and practical, i'm not really happy with it). so i'm very pleased. and i got drunk with my entire weird christian family. my aunt carol and i actually passed out on the couch together. it was pretty sweet.

my new years, well that's a different story. i'll post that little thing when i have a bit more time to just sit and write a LONG ass rant for that one

well, i don't really feel like writing about new years now that i think about it. it's a long complicated story that's just going to get me pissed off again. let's just say that those people that were there will never forget it.

in the words of andrew: "so much anger... so much rage..."

so here i am, 3 days from my 19th birthday, and i'm bored as all hell. i've been inside my house the entire weekend. yes, i'm a loser. i am well aware of that. i was going to go out and party over at jocelyn's but my ride bailed on me. stupid bastard men. i can't wait until i fucking drive. none of those little fuckers are ever getting a ride anywhere. i know when i start driving, everyone is going to want to be my friend. "oh, tiff! blah blah blah" FUCK YOU. it's my goddamned car, and none of you little assholes that would blow me off otherwise will ever set foot in my car, or anywhere near it for that matter. go to hell. i'll go where i want, when i want, and i don't give a fuck what anyone has to say! then maybe i'll actually have a life, and i won't be sitting here constantly bitching like the little fucker that i am.

in fact, now that i think about it, i actually haven't even left my street in a week now. that's pathetic. i need to get a life because erika now has her baby, and there isn't much that she can do now. maybe i'll get a life when i start school. ICM will be a big help to fight boredom. i can't wait to begin to learn again... combatting atrophy of the brain is good.

you kids out there that constantly bitch about high school... i know it sucks, but it's a HELL of a lot better than where i'm at right now. fuck your bitching. be happy with it, because once it's gone, you're going to miss it. oh believe me, you fucking will. you claim you won't now, but you've never been without it, so you don't know what it's like to see all of your friends be in college and high school and you just be... nowhere. no job, no plan, nothing. finally i have it, and i'm fucking running with it.

i hate people that bitch about college. fuck you, man. you chose to go there. no one told you that it was going to be easy, in fact, they've been telling you all your life that it's going to be a pain in the ass. so what the hell else did you expect?! just be glad that you're not going to work at mcdonald's for the rest of your fucking life! you hate it now, but you'll be sad when you graduate and you're out in the real world working the same boring ass nine to five job for the rest of your meager existance. yes, i'll be just like that, but i'm not bitching. i'm happy about it. i'm happy that i'm not going to be stuck as a secretary or bouncing from temp job to temp job. i'll at least have a career and a steady pay to look forward to. well, that is if bush will quit fucking up the economy. then MAYBE i'll have a chance when i finally graduate.

i hate being at this age i'm at. now, of course, i'll admit that it's better than being stuck in that grey area where you're too young to work and drive, and most of your friends do, so you're screwed. but it blows to be an adult. i don't have the means to take care of myself, finding a decent paying job with limited qualifications SUCKS BALLS right now (with this failing, shitty ass, piece of fuck economy that bush calls THRIVING), and to top it all off, i can't drive because there's no one around that has the time or is willing to teach me. i have no car learn on, nothing... this sucks fucking nuts. money is tight, and as i take my first steps into the world, they're into a hole... where i'm getting into debt ALREADY because college is sucking me waaaaay more than dry.

yeah, i'll admit, at first it rocked to be at this age. i'm finally an adult, nothing to hold me down, no one to tell me what to do... until the parties ended. and the reality of my direction began to show. i had none. now i do, and it blows worse. goddammit, i can't win!

oh fucking well. i have something at least. and at least i have the computer to combat my boredom. yeah.

ok, that was the rant of today.

you kids out there that constantly bitch about high school... i know it sucks, but it's a HELL of a lot better than where i'm at right now. fuck your bitching. be happy with it, because once it's gone, you're going to miss it. oh believe me, you fucking will. you claim you won't now, but you've never been without it, so you don't know what it's like to see all of your friends be in college and high school and you just be... nowhere. no job, no plan, nothing. finally i have it, and i'm fucking running with it.


You know everyone has been telling me that i'll miss high school. I have made a bond to never miss it at all. So far I haven't missed high school one bit. This would be my second year of being out of high school. Still I have not missed a thing about it. But hell i'm glad that I did my time in high school and that i'm out of it. Know that I have been out for a year. I haven't started my life yet. I have no job and i'm not going to college. I went to college to take massage therapy and my class is over. I liked college ALOT better then high school. High school you were crowded with people who wouldn't give the time or day. But in college it's like you get your own freedom and space and it's nice. At least you get people to talk to you in college then in high school. The only thing that I thought was weird about college is that you are mixed with young people and old people. But old people are alot nicer then young people. So I really didn't mind that. I need to get started with my life sometime soon and not waist it and i'm 23 know. Just have no plans as to what I want to do other then get a job.

well the majority of people do miss it. most of the people i've talked to really do. it's just, you get out, and have no idea what the fuck you're going to do. especially if you don't go into college right after high school. all of your friends go away, and you look at yourself, and think, "what a fucking loser i turned into!"

well, here i am. 3 weeks into college. i haven't updated because i really haven't been around. when i'm concious, i'm at school, and otherwise, i'm not. in between, my brain is so fried that i can't even carry out a normal conversation. like last night for instance. i was trying to talk to this one guy, and my brain just kept fizzing out on me. i was like, "FUCK!"

i'm in intro to computers class right now. and yes, i'm finished with all of my independant work for the quarter. so that means i only have to come to class about half the time. the rest of the time, i'm going to go sleep in cellar (the student lounge, called the rathskellar. most of us call it the "rat cellar".) if i keep working at the rate i'm working in during my first two classes, i will be able to get an extra two hours of sleep. hehe, rockin!

college is overall good. but there are bad aspects too.

the pros and cons of college

[u]pros:[u]
1.) you can smoke whenever you want
2.) if you don't feel like going to class, you don't have to
3.) missing school is fine. you don't need an excuse and they won't hunt you down.
4.) you can leave whenever you want.
5.) you can go out to eat.
6.) the classes are only 50 minutes long, so it's not much longer than high school. And the teachers usually show up about five mins. late.
7.) it's not really all that hard.
8.) most of the people here are awesome. they are non-judgemental.
9.) the teachers are real. they curse, admit their faults, and are late, just like people are.
10.) it protains to your real life and your goals.

cons:
1.) public transportation blows. period.
* i get off of school at 2pm. the next bus (out of 6 busses i can take on 3 different lines) doesn't come until 2:48pm. so i can't get back into my area until a little after 3pm. an hour of my life wasted. not to mention i have to stand around in the cold for awhile after i get out of school. then i have to stand on this weird coach bus with nothing to hang on to. THEN i have to walk home from the bus way (a good 15 minute walk in subzero weather.)
2.) actual studying sucks ass. i've never had to study before, so therefore it sucks.
3.) having 25 lbs. of weight on you is ridiculous.
4.) 4 floors of stairs. need i say more?
5.) if you miss one day, you can end up being REALLY fucked.
6.) there's a LOT of people here that are older than me. i mean, older with kids...
7.) there is a complete drought in hot guys.
8.) it actually DOES matter what you look like here.
9.) the snotty preps are 10 TIMES WORSE!!!!
10.) the classes are boring because they're so easy. (so far).

humm, do i wanna go to college based on tiffs pro's and con's?
hummmm... *ponder* no hot guys... hummmm...

just at this school. but that's only because it's so small!!! in a university there's TONS!

you know? i hate dragging people along with me. i hate how people seem to attach themselves to me because they see that i'm a good student. that really pisses me off. but i'm waaay too nice of a person to cut the strings and leave these fuckers in the dark. i just hate having to be everyone's nagging mother, and then when i can't/don't/won't come through for them, i get grief for it!!! even if i do come through, do i get a thank you? a fucking pat on the back for taking the extra effort? i don't care about being praised all the time for a nice gesture, but having people beg me for it ALL THE FUCKING TIME and NEVER thank me... yeah, that grates on me. it's not my responsibility, dammit!!!

for instance, here's just one of the incidents that REALLY pisses me off. last week, i had an intro to computers test. of course, i was done with it within two minutes, and then i went into the student lounge (the rathskellar) to catch some well deserved sleep. i was napping on a bench, and my phone started buzzing wildly beside my head. i ignored it for a few minutes, coming in and out of sleep, until finally i couldn't take it anymore. i had a few text messages from nicole. the first one i saw said, i guess you're not going to help me. so i went through the rest of them, and saw she asked me, do you know how to turn a decimal into a fraction? she needed help with her college math test that she was in the middle of. i was tired and not thinking right, so i wrote back sorry i was sleeping. i don't remember how. so she wrote back asking me to ask around the rathskellar. i asked the very few people that were down there, and of course, they didn't know either. i told her this, and tried to go back to sleep for a moment. then, it all came back to me. i was in the middle of sending her instructions when she came into the rathskellar and was all bitchy. she looked at me with an angry face and said bitterly, "thanks" i tried explaining to her that i remembered and worked on sending it, but she wasn't hearing it.

I'M FUCKING SORRY! I'M NOT HERE TO DRAG YOUR ASS THROUGH SCHOOL!

she always gets bitchy with me on days where she says, "let's skip class!" and i tell her that i need to be there for a certain class for a reason. i've been breaking down a little more lately and going out with her just to get her to shut the fuck up. and i'm falling behind. dammit. i swear to god, i'm going to beat some fucking ass.

and another thing! most of the people that i hang out with her are all nice to me when it's just me and them. but when we add another person into the mix, i'm suddenly the outcast. i'm the one everyone rags on. everyone says i'm serious and bitchy, but THIS IS MY FUCKING LIFE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT!!!!! i hate people that don't take this seriously! and then they rely on me later to bail them out! fuck them.

now i want to transfer out to a place where i know no one. that way, i wouldn't have to deal with this social bullshit, and i could actually learn. i could actually have a chance to get in with a good group of people that won't use me. i just want to be alone for a change. is that too much to ask? i figure, if people can't be decent human beings to me, then i don't need them. i would rather be alone than have people like this that just keep constantly fucking me in the ass.


that was the rant of the morning. i'm sure there will be plenty more to come, because i'm FUCKING ANGRY almost all the time now.

well here comes yet another thing that pisses me off today. i see the forum's not having fun with my rage anymore oh fucking well, i'm still having fun with it!!!

actually it's not things that piss me off today. it's more of a reflection on yesterday. by the time i get home and chill for a little while, i'm so tired that i can't actually make myself get up and get the hell on the computer. now if i knew that there was going to be someone good there, like tozzy, driwicked, or someone of that nature, i would make myself do so that i could be cheered up a little in my dismal, pathetic existance. instead, i sit there and drone in front of a video game/book/or the actual tv (i see why people who work all the time and do stressful shit love that idiot box). anyway, here goes one rant of today!


yesterday, i was sitting in my 4th class, just abscently staring out the door (as i often do at the beginning of class) when nicole walked by and flagged me down. she asked if i wanted to go have a smoke with her (by using hand motions) and i reluctantly agreed. we went out, and then she dragged me to the bathroom with her. when we were in there, she made me look at this half-baked, cooky ass plan of hers. she wants me to save up all of my money from a job that i hope to be getting soon, and go to montana for a week with her and some other people. i was completely taken aback by this. first of all, i don't want to go to the mountains, in a place i've never been, with someone i don't nessessarily trust!!! next, i WILL NOT do airplanes unless it is completely unavoidable. and lastly, i don't want to spend all of my money to be cooped up with that fucking nut job for a goddamned week!!!! so i told her, "i don't do airplanes. I HATE THEM!" and then i went on into how the money situation would be tight... she kept pressing the matter, and i said i'd think on it, just to get her off my back.

so i get out of that class, and then i'm once more harassed about this in the hall. i got to alek and told him of this, and he scoffed. I'M NOT FUCKING GOING TO MONTANA... i told him. then, after i was done running my errands after school, she found me by chance once again. (she was supposed to be in the tutoring room). and again, she pushed the issue. i kept telling her, well, i'll have to think about it. i can't make a descision just yet. she insisted that there was nothing to think about and i was letting her down, and all of this bullshit. i'll just get other people to go then... she said, trying to put me on a guilt trip. i told her that i can't make a solid, well thought-out, descision where i was at right now. i also said, i wasn't as impulsive as her, so i needed time to make descisions and stuff. she went off the hook saying it's not impulsive!!! and blah blah blah. sorry, but i can't make split second descisions that are going to take up a good chunk of my time and money. goddamit!

so that was the rant of this morning. oh just you wait, there's probably more coming today, dammit. i can't seem to get away from this shit! i'm exciting, but i don't make split descisions that could really mean something huge. thank you.

well, i've finally reached my 1000 mark. as if anybody cared.

congratulations

whoooo gooooooo, go tiff! another reason to party! kick ass..
hello blacksword, who might you be? welcome, welcome!

hi hi! welcome blacksword thanks for the congrats